Wednesday 29 October

It got colder, but it feels okay. The heat has been coming on more frequently. It was a cold rain all day yesterday, with heavy snow mixed in beginning as I walked home. We were forecast to get 2-4, but we didn't get any and I am glad for that. The wind is still strong. The dogs were fairly frisky. Bella got particularly rambunctious at one point. Right now she is wishing she could go into the kitchen where the cats are busy digging cat kibble out from under the oven door. I figure, if they put in the effort to dig it out, then they can have it -- not the dogs. I had forgotten to put the container of kibble back into my room and of course Nick opened the oven, and of course he found it, and of course he spilled it and began to eat it, a bunch of them gleefully eating it. I went and scooped what I could back in and left the rest for them.

I became acutely and clearly aware this morning that I need to speak more lovingly and kindly to the animals. In all selfishness, I realized the unkind words also hurt me. I understand I need to respond more lovingly to situations that distress or upset me. I also understand my deep fear of and revulsion to chaos in all its forms -- big and small -- comes from my early childhood and the life my mother's bad decisions thrust me into. I also understand the world is full to the brim with hatred and negativity and it affects us all, and I need to be more conscious and stop contributing to it. I realized all that this morning, with God's help, God was speaking to me and I heard it so clearly. The devotion this morning was about being clearly aware of God's presence, and hearing those words of putting forth loving kindness into the world surely is God's presence (the Scripture was of the men meeting the risen Jesus on the road to Emmaus and not realizing it was him until he blessed the bread and vanished.) A favorite Scripture of mine.

I didn't feel all exhausted and awful last night like I had the night before, and I really, truly do not know why. It was so odd. But last night I had energy and actually needed to make myself finally settle down. The dogs and I had a short walk through a cold nasty rain. I was concerned about Fergus in particular getting wet, but then I remembered his downy undercoat, when already dry, is good protection against that. Of course his undercoat is just plain gone in so many places because of his skin thingy, but still. I had to consciously remind myself that he is improving, that he had a fairly serious case of the infection, but he is improving and it does take a bit longer using natural methods. I need to be patient and not lose hope or faith in the process. Bella definitely has the yeast on her back -- sniffing it is the best way to find it -- and I am not as sure about her back legs, but since I am not sure, I clean them anyway. I was only going to do Fergus 1x a day but he got so wet yesterday, I wanted to do it to counteract the wetness. I know the vinegar stings all his little cuts and dings and that's what gets him all antsy afterward. Bella really doesn't have that as mostly she licks it off, or rolls, and is done with it. The vinegar does sting. I have little cuts on my fingers from work and the stupid hook on the dog tie-out. But again, I have to constantly remember Fergus is showing improvement even tho I despair at times. Some of the spots, including his ears, are definitely changing from black to brown and that means the yeast has been nailed by the vinegar. It's the furry places that take longer.

Tuesday 28 October : New Moon

It's really dark. I couldn't see very well at all. Frustrating! But, I didn't trip and fall, tho my foot did slightly connect with Fergus' head at one point when I could not see he was sniffing just in front of my foot. Why is it so dark? Just the clouds. Are they that thick?

I just realized I forgot to let the 3 little Papaya Bugs out of their room before our walk.

I began to feel really tired yesterday and intensely grumpy as the evening wore on. I am still rather irritable. I must be PMSing. What else can it be, to come over me so suddenly?

The water heater replacement bill didn't help much. 800 bucks. I sure didn't expect that, not after L told me it would be "less than 500". I had originally thought 800, at the most, and had thought to ask the Relief Fund for 400. But then I received my property tax rebate, which was 500, so I have to get 300 from my savings. I had wanted to get glasses, but I guess not yet. Which is disappointing since I was beginning to look forward to being able to see clearly again! After how many years of not being able to? Oh well oh shit oh crap whatever, such is my fucking life. Maybe it will work out some other way. And, the water heater was 20 years old, near about.

I didn't wash Fergus with vinegar last night and he didn't seem to worry at himself so much overnight -- but I think the vinegar stings all the little open places. I will most certainly do it this morning. I have a ton of dishes to do too, pots and pans and bowls and whatnot. I didn't even wash my face last night, I was so tired, and grumpy. And dark! It is so dark! But I did brush my teeth. I did that anyway. And I slept well. The cats howl like fucking little banshees first thing in the morning. It is a most unholy noise. Honestly, it is not pleasant to wake up to. I yelled at them. Sometimes I just hate them. But I am so irritable right now. Even Bella annoys me, but I couldn't precisely say for what beyond her mere presence! How about that---

Work was fine yesterday, tho we have another stupid situation brewing with the bitch lawyer next door and the Village too, possibly. The rocks out back. The pea stones as EP called them. I could see L imploding with worry, his dark circles deepening.

I don't even really know what time it is. I got up about 10 minutes earlier 'cause why not. One of those. And so I did. But the walk felt awkward and slow as I bumbled along in the dark, the dogs pausing and sniffing and tumbling about. It was dark last night when we went out too. Have I mentioned I don't much care for the dark? Have I? Hmmmmm

M called me at work yesterday. I managed to piss her off. Being a mom. What can I say. I am here to remind her of reality.

I hear rain. I am glad it wasn't raining when we walked. The wind sure kicked up though, mighty powerfully at one point. It felt so good. It blew all the darkness that dared cling to me away. It was so great.

I must be PMSing. I feel vaguely nauseous. I don't know what it is. Fergus doesn't seem to be as bothered by his back anymore. But his feet and underparts. Still working on the back legs. They are covered by the infection. Bella has a bit on her back. I cleaned her last night.