Thursday 27 November : Thanksgiving, New Moon

The rain didn't melt all the snow up on Willard, which I was kind of happy to see since their ski season starts next week. It's chilly out but not too cold. It has been damp. I walked the dogs in a slightly fierce drizzle last evening. I was able to come home from work at 4, which was great since M got home at about the same time I did, and we did some cooking. We made the pumpkin dessert and then I made rice and beans. I need to cook cranberries when I finish this. The animals are all slightly disrupted with having M home -- the routine has shifted. Nick has been especially bad, acting out and tearing into stuff, and Bella got an upset stomach overnight. Oh anyway, all this drama, I get so sick of it all sometimes. It is great having M home, she has already changed and matured so much, in ways that show me her college experience is very good for her. She is in the right place, and she knows it, especially as she catches up with friends from high school who are actively dissatisfied with their situations. I think she is realizing how fortunate she is. She has clear and definite plans and seems to have a clearer vision of the way ahead.

I am looking forward to eating the pumpkin dessert. It needed to set and cool so I couldn't have any last night. M's allergies have come slamming back being here, and she is suddenly quite congested but had the good sense to get a good decongestant antihistamine and is using her inhalers. All I really mean to say is she has lost her sense of taste but hopes to get it back as her antihistamine kicks in.

I have my period for the second time this month which is really unnecessary and annoying.

It sure is nice to have the prospect of 4 days off ahead of me.

There have been lots of geese in the area the past couple of weeks, flying high mostly, but lots of them, in the midst of their migrations.

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked last night since I had to get up and investigate a loud crash in the kitchen -- Nick, no doubt, and then Topaz got restless and I let him out, and then later Inca. I was hoping to sleep in until 7 but that didn't happen.

Work was busy for a bit, but once J got all the orders packed she planned to ship, she left and told me I could too. I had mentioned earlier that I had hoped to leave early but then I saw what an extensive list of candles I had to do. The phones weren't too busy and L wandered around a lot. Near the end of the day he got a call he didn't want to deal with and J said Just take the call, Louis and he said I'm tired, and I snapped, We are ALL tired, and handed him the phone. Fun to double-team him like that. Our little contests of wills at work make for good sport sometimes. Silly. But my mind seeks entertainment whenever it can, it isn't as if the production work is mentally stimulating. J told me a long story about a Japanese man living in an airport in Mexico and suggested that was how I could live in Jamaica -- live in the airport there, and then she and I sketched out the necessities and details of doing just that, and came up with a plan that sounds somewhat credible to me. It gave me hope -- maybe I can live in Jamaica someday. And with enough sun, and dirt, and my grey hair let go into dreads, I might even blend in.

Wednesday 26 November

M is home. She got in late. They ended up sending 4 buses from Boston on that particular run. 4! So she was a little over a half hour late, but it was all fine, it all worked out. I ended up going down with the dV's. J wanted to go to the hospital to see E before she passes away -- it is a matter of days, apparently -- so we dropped her there, and then went on down to the bus. We had stayed at choir for about half an hour.

M was funny as we got further north and close to home -- it's so dark out there! as she looked into the small wilderness that is the battlefield. And then once home -- it is much colder here! I didn't pack for this! She's been away, what? 3 months? But, no matter. I dug out some warm tops for her to wear.

I still hope to get home earlier today, but I am not sure if that will happen.

It is cold, and crisp this morning. We had rain all day yesterday. It was fairly miserable. Thankfully it was done by the time I walked home from work. I had a panic once I got home because M kept calling and I can't answer because the phone is still not fixed. She called over and over, and I worried what was up and did she miss the bus. Finally I ran next door and borrowed their phone. Got her voice mail and left her J's number. Then I got an email from FF saying she'd asked him to tell me her bus was going to be late.

Easy to see why the bus station was packed with people, mostly young and mostly not white. I had forgotten how big Albany is. My eyes were slightly dazzled by it as we drove down there. I really do need to get out more.

I felt ill at times yesterday. I would become overwhelmed by a scent or a smell and feel nauseous. That new candle L likes so much truly does make me feel sick. I had to move it when I was in the store. That started me off. And then someone came in and he smelled bad and it lingered in the air. I have become so acutely aware of smells. Imagine being a dog. Unfortunately so many of these smells leave me feeling uneasy or ill. It's too much. I feel like a kid again sometimes -- with inadequate filters and barriers.

I completely forgot what I was going to say next. I want to cook some stuff tonight -- make those carrots M likes and rice and beans, that pumpkin dessert, and cranberries for tomorrow. It sounds like a lot but it really isn't, because they are mostly all simple things to prepare.

I was so tired last night in the bus station but then I could also see on the way home how tired J and D were too. I get all these pains when I am so tired, back, head, throat. I was intensely thirsty. We had gone to choir before going down. Sang for half an hour. It's a pretty song for Sunday, incorporating O Come Emmanuel, which I love. D said we are singing the hymn version of that too. I love the music at holiday times. I will not miss any church through the season and am still torn about the concert. Of course all my choir friends want me there, and of course J feels justified and honored by my unwillingness to be there. It's all very complicated. Gestures mean so much.

Anyway, this is getting complex to my tired head. I got to bed at nearly midnight. I will take it slow today and try not to drive myself crazy.

Tuesday 25 November

We had a chilly, wet walk. At least we did not get the snow and slush that was also predicted is all I can say. The valley is intensely beautiful in a way I would never imagine shades of grey, white, and black to be.

So it's Tuesday. M comes back tonight. It will be a long day but I think it will be a good day.

Work is still busy but manageable. The prospect of Thur-Fri off lightens my heart considerably.

I slept so comfortably, warmly wrapped in soft blankets and all my layers of clothing in the gentle dark.

I don't know what to say. P sits hunkered down right before me. I hear the hum of the furnace and fish tanks gurgling. I am hungry. It will be a dark day, with rain forecast all day. Rain and 40 degrees -- true November as I know it. The dogs are wet, naturally, but thankfully the candle is putting out stronger scent than they are. I have been endeavoring to avoid scent as much as possible and my throat is not sore. I keep my face away when I repair candles at work so as to not get a face-full of scent. I am not burning as many candles here as I usually do, and I haven't lit any incense in my room in several days, but with the damp, I may have to anyway.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner, and to M simply being home. My phone is not repaired yet even tho the phone company says it is. I found out there are other people here in the village who also have extreme static on the line like I do. It makes me consider getting a cell phone, something I said I'd never do! But it's be kind of cool to have a personal communication device like that -- right out of Star Trek. But, I probably won't do that. I notice whatever it is that is up with the phone disrupts the DSL connection also. All I really know is, I don't want that phone guy in my house and I am not answering the door if he comes. Like I said, I tested it outside and it is outside where the problem is.

So, whatever!

I honestly didn't enjoy our walk. I didn't want to get wet and my boots were clumpy and uncomfortable. So I wasn't able to fully appreciate the soft, misty freshness. Mostly I was annoyed, in a state of annoyance. I am tired too. I get tired of being tired. It makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. Tho I don't think there is. I think I am simply a highly sensitive person and the world tears at me, grates one me, and pulls at me. Rarely giving me anything back. The world is too noisy and too full of hardship, darkness, and pain.

I told L&J yesterday about the disagreement I am having with people over the Christmas Concert and that I probably won't sing. J had brought it up first, because she saw the sign out at the church.

Right now, here in this corner, these plants provide me with a deep sense of peace when I sit and simply look at them. Truly look at them. What a blessing and a miracle they are.

I hinted to M that if she found a warm winter coat she wants that I'd buy it for her. I understand that she is in the city and does not want to schlump around in her ski parka. I want her to be warm and would buy her a good coat if she found one she wanted.

I realized the bus from Boston gets to Albany in less than 4 hours. That's a smooth shot, very nice, the best you can do besides flying. I wonder how much it costs to fly? It cost her $76 round trip on the bus.

Monday 24 November

I didn't write yesterday. I wasn't feeling well. I was queasy and my throat was sore, and by the time I got back from cleaning the church, I was in full blah mode. Full yuck. Not great. I finally decided to forgo church -- both worship services. I had so much to do at home as it was, and 2 church services was too much. D had cajoled me back by saying that if I didn't sing in the afternoon she'd ask VC to sing alto with her -- but then I saw the music and it is in all in unison. So, even tho she said she didn't want to sing the part all by herself -- she wouldn't be! So I let myself off that hook. I called CG and told her I didn't feel good and wouldn't be there and then I went and soaked in a hot bath, where it came to me, clear as sunshine, that God is Love and God wants me to be well more than God wants me to put in an appearance for social reasons. That's the part about church that rubs me the wrong way -- the whole social aspect, the human institution aspect. I simply want to worship, to pray and sing and praise God. I don't want to have to play the social game which includes first and foremost pulling myself together so as to be able to face those people, not to mention to sit up in the front of them where they all can see me. And then there is enduring the snubs and judgmental looks I get from some of the women there -- who the fuck needs that -- and also enduring people's big mouths and bad behavior and need to be the center of attention, namely PH who is back from FL in all her queenly imperiousness and hauteur. Enough. The other thing that rankles me is how they put on the program 'The Old Saratoga Chancel Choir under the Direction of...' as if we were good, as if we are worth listening to, as if the pianist were competent instead of fumble fingered and everyone in the damn choir can read music and actually sing the parts. No. It's all too much. And I opted out and gave myself a break and more needed rest and today I am no longer queasy and my throat is only a tiny bit sore and I don't feel like I am bearing the weight of a lead-lined blanket as I move through my day. None of those people -- none of them -- have raised a child alone and supported a household alone. Even the few, very few, single mothers there have family nearby or live with their family. The ones who judge me most are the ones who have always had husbands to help shoulder the burden of house and child. I like to think it is their own inadequacy and insecurity that makes them treat me so rudely. And what do I do that is so offensive? Fuck if I know, but it is a fact I keep my distance and I keep to myself. I am sensitive and intuitive enough to know what people are like toxic waste giving off odious vibrations and stay away from them.

Anyway what a rant for a Monday morning. This will be a different kind of week. I am thinking if it isn't too busy Wednesday to leave work early -- 3 or so. If it's possible. So I can be home and do some cooking and be with M and not come trudging in late and in the dark. Tuesday will be a long enough day as it is.

My phone isn't working right again. There is loud static on the line and sometimes it cuts out completely. I went outside the house and tested the phone on the so called network interface and the phone works. It is a problem with the lines. I hope the phone guy doesn't show up at my door at 8 like he did last time.

Saturday 22 November

It's cold. I did not unsnap my heavy parka today. Hat, and warm mittens. The dogs were frisky and vibrantly alive in the cold. We saw no one but crows, and not too many of them.

I was bone tired yesterday. I kept up the pace at work, but it was a measured, heavy pace, fully informed by deep fatigue. Late in the afternoon, J broke out some Vosges chocolate from the shop. I had to guess which kind it was. I got it on the first bite -- matcha. The chocolate is unevenly mixed, we have decided, the added flavors are not balanced throughout. She didn't taste the matcha until her second piece -- and neither did L. I simply got lucky on my first bite. But that chocolate revived me nicely and brightened me up a bit. It had felt like a very long day. We got all that we needed done, however, and that was the important thing. And next week is a short week -- 3 days -- with Thanksgiving. We go get M Tuesday night. That will be a long day. I have to clean up a bit here, to get her sleeping arrangements ready, and I'd like to get the bathroom cleaned up too.

I had to shut P in her monster box overnight. She went on a cold hearted rampage against any cat that looked in her eyes. And where usually if I call out 'Pee-duh-lee' in a high happy voice, she will come to me -- not so last night. PJ the vet said, Oh, yes, she will learn if you put her in the carrier when she gets like that. And last night I saw just what it was she learned: she learned not to come when I call her when she attacks the other cats, or she will be shut in the box. I had to employ wily coyote maneuvers to catch her and she was cozy in the monster box all night long.

Not that the other ones weren't monsters themselves. I heard all kinds of thumping and noise all night long. Because even tho I was so tired, and even took a hot bath to relax my weary muscles, I still did not sleep well. I had cat nonsense for one thing. Matthew wanting out, Topaz running in, me throwing him out, and Inca all night long with her intermittent periods of gentle restlessness.

So what anyway. I am walking down to the market today to load up on some necessary stuff. I am cooking a venison stew today with the last of the meat D&B gave me. It is, appropriately enough, stew meat. I plan to cook it with onions, brown and wild rice, and spinach. Oh, celery too. I have not yet decided if I will use chopped or leaf spinach. It should be very good.

And I am still hoping to continue to clean the church early Sundays, as it has been very dry weather, and so the floors should not be so bad. Once we have snow and ice and wet, and all the muck tracked in by that, especially salt, I will have to surrender my Saturday afternoon and do it then, because all that mopping takes a long time. But as long as it is still light early, and dry as it has been, early Sunday it is.

M called me at work yesterday afternoon, trying to decide if she should buy an additional suitcase. We decided she should, since the price and size were right.

I put out the bird seed yesterday morning. As I was doing it, Maya came along, demanding my attention, and when she didn't get it to her satisfaction, she climbed up the front of me, all the way up to my chin. It was alarming to be climbed like a tree like that. As it was I was having trouble getting the seed out of the bag, and in my frustration, I also did not need to be climbed by a cat.

Friday 21 November

Definitely colder this morning. I can only guess how much. Unlike yesterday, I did not unsnap my jacket by the time we got to the cathedral of spruces. I wore warmer gloves too. It felt fresh and crisp and not all that bad once we got going. I saw fresh deer tracks in the turf, and the dogs were all frisky and eager to sniff at apparently everything.

But I am tired, worn down to a nub as the week will wear me down. I never got to wash Fergus yesterday. I had planned to after work since I ran out of time before work, but by the time I got home from choir, and then walked them -- and it was freezing, I even wore my scarf and gloves during choir -- Fergus went right to his bed. So I wasn't about to rouse him up to torment him with a cool vinegar wash. Hopefully this morning I can get my shit together enough to wash him.

Anyway. I slept well, like a heavy stone falling smoothly into dark waters. When Matthew wanted out around 5am, I was surprised it was that time already. And then I pretty much fell right back to sleep until 6. I made myself look at the clock, and it was a good thing I did, as I was in an obvious state of disbelief about the time!

I carried home groceries and a big bag of dog food yesterday, then quick got right to stuff once I was home so that I would be ready to go to choir. I made eggs with onions, celery, potatoes, and cheese for supper, that thing I do that is kind of like a fritatta except it isn't broiled at the end to brown the top. I had it with some sourdough bread and was going to have kraut too, but that was afterwards and the kitchen felt so congested with frickin furry little monsters, it wasn't worth the effort. That and the sink is overflowing with dirty dishes--------

C told me we have choir on Tuesday next week because of the holiday, and so she and I will have to leave early to get down to the bus in Albany. She suggested we stop for ice cream on the way back! She said M might be hungry -- she's great, C is, she thinks of everything. As of now, I have made no arrangements for getting back to the bus on Sunday. And as of last night, I had no idea they had planned choir for Tuesday.

I really am starting to OD on fragrances at work and am doing my best to avoid them, which is a tricky task in a place saturated with scent. I was in the store at one point and the new candle he was trying out in there was fairly well making me sick. It is one that he loves -- Vintage Gardenia, he is calling it -- but my nose is so overwhelmed, it just smells like hot wax to me, and leaves me queasy. There is another he is trying out in the bathroom and that one doesn't bother me -- it's actually one I encouraged him to try and he likes it very much, so there's that. We are trying to think of a name for it.

I think my little birds need seed in the feeder again! I keep forgetting to do it, and really should get to it, these nights have been so cold, and even the days haven't gotten much past 30.

I came home from choir and after all the stuff I had to do, I went to bed and read for a bit. Matthew was already tucked in under the blankets, already in the spot I usually move him to, so that was all good. But I had to throw out Topaz and tell Inca no. I was too tired to deal with cat drama last night.

Thursday 20 November

We went from very mild to wintry cold. My usual jacket isn't quite warm enough anymore. Last night for our dog walk, I pulled out my warmest parka. Too soon in the year for that coat, I was thinking, what will I do when it's depth of winter cold? Winter is just plain hard. Everything is hard in the winter. My old parka is about 10 years old. I bought it that first winter on my own, in that first apartment, that cold apartment with the rattly windows letting in the wind, and that I taped newspaper to. How hard it was then. I had a memory of that hardness this morning when I got up in the dark and opened the back door to let out Fergus. Back then I had to walk him, 5 or 6 times a day. We had no yard at that place. And so I bought the parka, for those cold, dark early morning and last thing at night walks. Then, as now, I put up the hood and snapped it tight and felt safely insulated from the cold, dark world.

This morning I am hating the cats. Hating them. It happened after I went to bed, and Nick went on a destructive foray through the kitchen. He knocked stuff over and spilled food on the floor. I got up and came out here,and I yelled, boy did I yell. And again this morning, their annoying selves, growling, yowling, running all over, jumping, climbing. I hate them and I told them so. I hate them.

And then asked God to forgive me my destructive, fiery emotions. Because in truth it is what I feel. My frustration at the burdens of my life, but also my sense that it is hard to keep anything nice with these destructive little animals around. I am at the point where I think -- NO MORE CATS EVER. And one dog. Then I remember Matthew, and what a gentle, simpleminded love he is, and I could have one cat like him. Or one cat like Maya, out all day, in at night, grateful for the food and shelter. Inca is okay, and Sophia. But the rest of them can go straight to hell. The rest of them are here because of M, of wanting to please her. Topaz was a birthday gift, and the rest of those fucking little Papayas are here because she brought Maya in, and the whole sad saga continues.

Thursday and I am feeling so tired and flat. The old workhorse would really like to bite, would certainly snap, at any hand coming too nearby. I have had it. I am done pulling the concrete load up the hill behind me. But I am not done. It is only Thursday and I will not be set free from my burdens for 2 days yet. And I am trying not to think that I need to buy an 18lb. bag of dog food today, and add that to my uphill load. I am trying not to think about it. No thinking. Just keep moving. Just keep walking on and eventually all will be done.

But for now-----------

Need I repeat again that work is very busy -- no. I am beginning to OD on fragrances. I avert my face as much as I can when I am repairing candles with the heat gun. I have a sore throat at work from all the scents. I drunk pu erh tea constantly. And there, like here, I just keep moving, just keep focused on the task and don't think too much.

I don't like coming home in the dark. I feel drained and depleted by then.

Wednesday 19 November : Last Quarter Moon

I got up a bit earlier this morning. I was awake, so why not. I lay there thinking I heard a tremendous cat fight in the cellar, but when I got up, I wasn't so sure about that anymore. Everyone seemed their usual selves.

It has gotten dramatically colder. We had snow flurries throughout the day. I noticed this morning there is snow up on Willard Mtn., and the lights are on. I know ski team starts in a couple of weeks on 12/1 and so they are getting ready for it.

Another day in the harness, here I go. M will be home at this time next week. That'll be nice. Work is still crazy busy, we have so much to do, and J is always saying to L, as he stands around like Lord of the Manor -- Why don't you do thus and such, Louis......

Anyway. I can already tell these 3 pages will be a long uphill haul themselves. When I walked the dogs last night, in the cold darkness, I felt all spooked and afraid again. I saw that stoned kid who always walks home around 7 and had outrageous fears of being assaulted by him. My mind can take off like a panicked horse sometimes, and despite the fact my fear was ridiculous, I didn't walk as far as I usually do. Besides the fact it was freezing.

I know I had a beautiful dream of being in incredible mountains, but I don't remember any other details. I remember going up in and going back down and out. I wake up and am immediately preoccupied by imaginary, maybe, cat fights and does Matthew want to go out yet and how long can I lie here before I truly do have to get up and pee -- and dreams dissolve like snowflakes on a warm palm. Matthew slept with us again. He is so gentle and easygoing and so happy to be allowed to stay curled up in his nest under the blankets. He doesn't move all night, very much, and he certainly doesn't walk all over me or stick his face in mine or try to dig his way under the blankets.

Pearl is back to not quite eating again. She really rallied for a couple of days and then back to this. These fish tend to be intrinsically hardy, nevertheless.

Finally got the child support check for last week from FF. I think if I get it in the mail to M today, she will have it before she comes back home. It being Wednesday. The moon was so high this morning, and looked to be at its last quarter. Or nearly.

These 3 pages feel endless this morning. I drag my mind along them, reminds me of a tractor pull, the great loads of concrete dragged along behind the tractors at the fair. That's my mind and that's my hand as I skid and scribble and scrawl, sprawl, my face in the dirt, dragged along by events, by this thing I need to do every morning and have done for so long I have almost lost track of its purpose. But no, I know it's purpose.

As I lay there earlier hearing imaginary cat fights, maybe, I also thought I heard the furnace turn on a lot. But then I thought maybe I dozed and woke to hear it, thinking it was just on, wasn't it? My mind ranges and rambles, imagining openings I am unaware of letting in the cold or the thermostat bumped by someone, something, up to 74 degrees. But no. No one here to bump it, and no breaches in my wall. Just my mind awakening and needing to worry, as it does, a habit of years, an obsolete habit born when I was a child living with crazy parents and never knowing what chaos, what terrors, would be visited upon me next. But, no more, thankfully. The shadow remains, however.

Tuesday 18 November

Turned quite cold, in the 20s overnight. Heavy frost this morning, and most of the leaves gone. It is pretty in the way November can be pretty. I can see the hills across the river even better with the leaves gone, and they look higher. Larger on the horizon. I begin to feel the anticipation of the holidays coming at the beginning of the cold, darker time. They are beacons of brightness reminding us not to despair at the cold and the dark -- the light will return again.

I am tired, but functional. I slept very well, very comfortably beneath my soft blankets with Matthew tucked in somewhere beside me, a ball of silken warmth. I decided to not turn him out last night, but to let him stay. No other cats were asking to come in.

P was a holy terror yesterday. I shut her in the cat carrier before leaving for work -- told her to pretend she's going on a long plane ride. I had to shut her in again last night, after she had eaten and whatnot. She is quieter today, definitely subdued. She calmed after I shut her in the box after supper. I told her she is a little monster in a box.

Work was busy as usual. The battery on the forklift died and L spent the day trying to charge it. It wasn't charged by the time I left, but should be this morning and then he can bring up more candles. We still have so many orders, and some big ones up ahead too.

P's tail is so long it wraps right around her front feet with 2 inches more to spare.

I ordered more gifts for M last night, from the Old Navy website. They were having a 20% off sale, and I also had a $10 bucks back coupon to use, so I saved a lot of money and was able to get her some nice and useful things like socks and gloves and fleece pants and a fleece hoody and a warm top. They have tall sizes now, so I could get the pants. I got her the usual cami too. It gets harder to choose for her since I don't see her every day, so I used my gut a bit in the decision making.

Walking home in the dark last night felt a little discouraging, so I focused on the pretty, clear sky. We had had snow squalls throughout the day, and then I heard Buffalo got a lot of snow, and so winter is on its way. I kept dark thoughts at bay by keeping busy right up until 8pm and then I took myself off to my comfy warm bed and read for about an hour. The novel I am reading is quite good. Very, very well-written and crafted. I could have been an editor, but I was too busy being a mess. :)

CG is willing to pick me up every week for choir and she applauded my plan.

I feel like there's not much else happening. The day looks to be clear. At least it is at the moment. It could change. I feel reassured by the fact I can simply come home every night until Thursday and simply be home. I am also looking forward to M being back next week, and plan to get the couch all cleaned up for her, since I suspect she won't sleep in her bed. If she could even find her bed under all the stuff. I should check and see if her blankets need washing and wash them too. I took her pillow and am using it on my bed, but I could certainly give it back to her while she's here. I'm excited for her to be back.

I need to wash my hair this morning and there is a sink full of dishes but I may leave them for when I get home. Joy is spitting rocks in her tank, searching for breakfast.

Monday 17 November

I didn't write yesterday. Took a day off. I was feeling fairly wrung out from working at the supper the night before. I went down around 6 and finished around 9. D gave me a lift home and we sat in her car in my driveway and talked for half an hour or so. Then I came in and took a hot bath. My feet and back were tired. But I didn't sleep well. There were 2 cats in my room, P and Matthew, and I was too tired to deal with them. But my mind couldn't rest all night and so I slept lightly despite my fatigue.

And I went to church, and managed to do more than a passable job on the anthem, sight reading the whole way but it was a pretty song, and an easy one too.

JD gave me lots of leftover food from the supper -- pie and squash and kraut and bread. Good bread. That was all very nice. And I got to catch up with BW -- he had gotten a buck that morning and told me he could give me more venison soon. We talked dogs too, and I told him all about Fergus' ailments, and then we talked about ticks.

I was busy around the house after church but it was a contented busy, not a harried busy. I ordered some Christmas gifts for M over the phone. I can do that now since she doesn't live here all the time! But I am looking forward to her being home for all the holidays.

And the imminence of the holidays makes me realize how busy and somewhat demanding a time that can be, and that I need to discipline myself a bit more to get myself out there and get things done. I have decided I'll sing at the ecumenical Thanksgiving worship and that I will make sure I have a ride down to choir every week so that I will, indeed, get there. I want to sing on Christmas Eve and I will probably sing at the Christmas concert too. It is simply something I do, and getting myself out and doing it all will put me back in the right place for all the holiday outings and obligations. It is simply a busy time of year coming up, and I need to get into the swing of it. And then once it is all done, and winter sets in in earnest, I can crawl back into my bear cave hidey hole if need be!

Anyway. Back to work today. It is chilly out but not cold and not unpleasant. The sunrise was glorious, deep indigo clouds under girded by brilliant vivid red, reflecting the sun's bright light below that. And then it all faded away into a gentle lavender. Splendid. Fantastic. What a miracle of ever changing beauty the sky is.

I can sit here and look at my plants in this corner in front of the big southern facing windows and feel such peace and contentment. What a beautiful blessing that is. Years back before I had this place, when I still lived in hell with FF, I would often see in my mind's eye a space very much like this corner, if it were emptied of all I have added to it. And I can remember that Sunday when I first came to see the house, for sale, and walking around this way, into the space and the light and something clicking into place inside me, knowing it was home. Those are things I can't explain to a transient like L who is not rooted in a place like I am. He is in many ways a true wandering Jew, setting down roots nowhere, but making the entire world his home. Not that that is a bad thing. It is simply a different thing.

Anyway, end of the page. Time for tea and what all comes next.

Saturday 15 November

It's really quite mild out. Foggy, moist, but warmish. The furnace hasn't turned on in quite some time, even tho I have the thermostat set at about 55. It felt nice out. Refreshing and soft and sweet. The dogs were mellow. Crows were busy yelling and flying about, intent upon their daily crow play. I saw BT up the hill with her little wild white dog. I haven't seen her in quite some time.

It is so mild these past few days that some of the lilacs are sending out new leaf buds. They might have done it last year too, when it was also so mild, so late in the year.

I had dreams of Jamaica, of Morris, and of BM and others from the team. It was a good dream, a catching up with each other dream, and it helped me fear less for the plight of dear Morris, and to hope that he may know peace inside himself, and that kind people will reach out a hand to him.

Anyway. The prospect of Saturday sits before me, staring me in the face. I plan to go to the library this morning. I also plan to go down to the church sometime after 6 to help with clean-up from the supper.

An important realization came to me yesterday -- that suddenly I feel as if I am in control of my life, that I am not buffeted about by external forces but that I stand solid, like a great tree in the wind, or a rock amidst the waves. It is an incredibly good feeling that brings great peace with it. A solid thing inside me upon which I can rest, I can shelter, I can stand, I can respond. I can choose, and I can create. As if I have finally grasped the deepest meaning of the words: Behold this day for it is yours to MAKE.

I hung the poster LG sent me, and it looks really nice in its chosen corner spot, surrounded on 2 sides by windows and plants. The green and off-white of the poster harmonizes nicely with the plants and windows and it completes the corner, and gives me a contented, homey feel when I look at it.

I was tired last night and slept well and had those vivid lovely dreams, full of meetings with people I know. I have lately been feeling even sadder about the prospect of no more Jamaica trips and have begun to take down the photos that sadden me most from the ones I have hung in my room, little Germaine and Ricardo so far. Some days I can hardly glance at the photos of Morris, it is as if I feel a knife pierce my heart. It seems like my life story that so much that I have loved so deeply lies always just beyond the reach of my hands. That is not to say there are not things and creatures here whom I love dearly, for there are, but these Jamaica connections feel sometimes like they reach right to my soul, my spirit, the very bright spark of life in me.

M sent me some great photos she did for a class, meant to express the concept of 'internalization'. She did a tremendous job. Of course I am probably one of her biggest fans. I am sure she sent them to me in response to our last phone conversation and me telling her she must utilize her talents and take advantage of the opportunities presented to her there. Some might say I was a bit harsh with her, but that is the Me that speaks to Her, and she knows and expects that too, I would think! She is a Rabbit and I am a Bear, but being raised by a bear she is accustomed to my gruff, direct speech and action. We are what we are and we communicate in that way. I speak my Bear speech, she shoots down her Rabbit hole, but she also hears me, and those photos she sent are evidence of that.

Anyway I am at the final lines of this page now, and plan to go make tea. Little Pearl was better yesterday. Go figure. Too soon to write epitaphs as long as we greet the sun each day.

Friday 14 November

I've come to a couple of conclusions this morning, the first and biggest one being that I need not apologize to anyone for the way I live my life, since I am not intentionally hurting anyone by it. My first obligation and responsibility is to my home here and to the creatures who shelter in it, and the plants I have planted around it, or invited inside it. I know my purpose. I know why I am here, and I know what I am supposed to be doing. Intrinsic to this is the fact I must also take care of myself to be able to do these other things.

Case in point: I did not go to choir again last night. I was too tired, it was too dark, and it was raining. I had already walked home, in the dark, in the rain, carrying my daily burden from the market. It isn't as if any of those people who miss me so much at choir are offering me a ride there, in the dark, in the rain. People are well-intentioned, but also sheltered and clueless.

Work has been very busy, both in production and getting orders out, and also on the phone with customers, some of them being real lulus.

We had a fine walk today. It has warmed slightly but it is also quite grey and dim, and misty wet. It felt fresh and cool and delightful.

I received the check from the Relief Fund to cover part of my water heater replacement. I felt grateful to receive it, but also humbled and embarrassed by the fact I needed it. At least now I can make my monthly payment for L, in repayment of the sum he lent me, without having to go back into my savings yet again. I fear my financial situation could get quite dire and it is not an easy feeling to watch my savings dwindle, especially with the holidays ahead. There are always more bills to pay, but at least the water and the sewer bill are out of the way for the time being.

It is Friday with its built-in ahhhhh. J has decided we will unpack the Vosges chocolates for the store today, which means we will get to have some, and I know she has this in mind. She has been busting her butt getting orders out this week. But she often does not start packing until 2! I don't quite, entirely, understand that, except I know she loses track of time in all aspects of her life.

The cats must have found more styrofoam to gorge on because I keep finding little puke piles of them all over the place. I have to go find their secret stash and chuck it out. I thought I had eradicated it all, but apparently not!

Pearl the fish is not doing well. It is only a matter of time for her. She barely eats once a day and is having less and less control over her body. It's sad to see -- she was always such a vigorous, albeit aggressive, and spirited little fish. And really beautiful too, with her pearl scales. But she ain't dead yet so I should hold off on the obituary.

Poor ED who had the massive stroke is still hanging on. She was always such a lovely lady. She is in my prayers these days, and her family too.

I have decided I will go down to the supper at the church after 6 to help with the clean up. And to clean. Thus eliminating the Sunday trip and also getting the hall tidied up. This is the first year I am not helping out through the event, mostly because of the people JD recruits to work in the kitchen, JB in particular, the moron. He and AB fight most of the time and make it most unpleasant. And I hate ham and the potatoes GG made last year made me sick all night.

Thursday 13 November : Full Moon

Full moon today. But it's cloudy, and cold -- there is frost, but it melts quickly. Fergus went right back out after our walk. He is becoming more playful, affectionate, and light hearted. He is feeling better. Hair is beginning to grow back in on his back legs. He doesn't itch and bite at himself as much. Only after the vinegar, and I expect that is because it stings. It certainly stings the little cuts and cracks in my fingers that open up anew every week at work.

Where we are very busy. We have tons of orders. J doesn't seem to be coming in any earlier tho, and when she finally does get there, she works hard and fast to get the orders out. The phone has been busy too, with new orders and questions about previous orders. It got kinda crazy yesterday and I chalked it up to the full moon.

I have decided to use primarily cash at the market and not so many checks. If the bounced check was a result of a simple timing thing, then if I use cash there will be less in and out of the account going on. And if I use cash, I will spend more carefully, tho I am not, by any stretch, a spendthrift. But I do like to buy a certain amount when I use a check to warrant using a check. It all gets so convoluted.

I told L&J about FF's most recent burst of selfishness towards M, and L understood immediately, while J didn't so much so. And that is because L understands how inefficient the mass transit system is here, while J is thinking it is comparable to Japan's. What a joke. Comparable to -- I don't even know what because I expect even some of the poorest countries have better public transportation than we do here in the land of the lonely cowboys riding the range. Even Jamaica is crisscrossed by a bus system that accommodates the fact many, many people do not have cars. To not have a car here -- living outside of a major city -- is akin to being an idiot or a freak. Or a loser. Lowest of the low. Thankfully I have finally -- after how many years? -- gotten over my sense of shame and humiliation walking home up the hill from work. Tho I am at a place where I simply enjoy the walk. It feels good. And even when it was cold, like last night, I am warm by the time I am halfway home, especially when carrying groceries, as I was. And the sky is often magnificent. And yesterday I saw the big, nearly full moon.

I slept well. 2 cats again but they sorted themselves out soon enough, and I am managing to get 2 ton Topaz to understand I do not want him lying on my legs. Pearl the little fish seemed to be ailing yesterday, she ate hardly at all, and I wonder if she is failing fast. I noticed this morning she had finally eaten the food I gave her yesterday morning. She is not nearly so cheerful and adaptable in her disabled state as Joy is, or Homer was. Poor little fish. She makes me feel sad. But there is nothing else I can do for her short of euthanizing her and I do not ever plan to do that. I still remember reading about how to do it on the goldfish website and feeling a small amount of shock.

Well, that pen just died.

Anyway, what else is there to say in these last few lines. I hear the bubbling gurgle of the fish tanks and the fridge humming diligently. P sits here hunkered down close beside me. She seems to have calmed down again, tho I had to recently shove her into the box as she was attacking Topaz again. I sent M a check yesterday and a package of that clay face masque she likes.

Wednesday 12 November

It's cold again. Frosty, the moon is nearly full. We saw it yesterday late afternoon when we walked. Late afternoon but it was getting dark. It's dark by 5. The moon was big and high in the eastern sky. That same eastern sky was incredible this morning, expansive. I felt it fill my heart with something good.

M called last night, back in a wah-wah place. The hard thing was I was chatting online with S in Chicago and she was having simultaneously having a meltdown. My brain was not very well able to attend to the 2 scenes. M has to get over herself, start to grow up and face some reality. Now she's whining about her sleep habits -- up all night, sleep all day -- as if it is out of her control. Complaining that when she wakes up it is dark and she doesn't do anything when it's dark! I don't know what to tell her. She was all blase like nothing is good enough again. I read her a small riot act, reminded her of how fortunate she is to be there. How talented she is, and how she seems unable to appreciate all that she has, takes it for granted. She was that way here too. She got all sniffly and said she had to get off the phone. Which was, actually, fine by me. She also told me she found a bus that goes straight from Boston to Albany, no transfers, which I think is a good thing. Except FF says he won't pick her up in Albany -- it takes too much of his time, and his money, and Saratoga works better for HIM. All about him all the time. She asked me if someone here could pick her up and I said yes. I also emailed her later and told her I know firsthand how her father's selfishness can make a person feel like shit. But I told her she isn't the one who is shit -- he is. He is a complete piece of shit.

My mother would tell me to forget him, and I am trying. Another part of me wants to go over there and stomp all over his head. Selfish fucking fool of a child-man.

Anyway! Let's move on from there. Back to work today. I had a delightful restful day off yesterday and felt, at some point in the afternoon, better than I have in several weeks. That will all go to shit soon enough, but what a blessing to feel good now. To feel rested and alert and not in pain. I had another bath yesterday. Something subtly magical about that hot soak, and about peace and quiet, and time for me at home. It was cloudy and grey and dank and cold yesterday tho. I cooked up a pot of the spinach and potato stew, and had it for supper with a bagel and horseradish cheese. The cheese is quite tasty. I will bring it for my lunch today on an english muffin.

I cashed the child support check and used it to buy food, so I guess I will have to mail M a check for it.

It's really hard to watch your kid suffer, knowing you have to let them suffer and hope they will figure it out themselves.

I had a strange dream about fish and fish tanks. I often have that dream when I feel I have someone especially vulnerable to care for. All the fish were fine in the end and I expect M will be too.

I have asked CG if she will drive me to Albany to get M. If not her, I will ask JD to borrow their extra car. If not them, I will try to find someone to jump L's car and use that.

Tuesday 11 November : Veteran's Day

We saw a fox on our walk. Bella saw it first. In the cemetery. It saw Bella and ran off, tail down. How cool. I am going to look in my animal medicine book to see what blessings may be there. Seeing the fox is blessing enough, in its way, it heartened me and lifted my heavy spirits. After that I understood what the crows were saying.

I have today off. Veteran's Day. I am glad. Work was a little bit crazy yesterday and L&J were gone. Off to their glam life in the city. I wonder how they will handle having a house in the country -- when it is finally finished being built that is, their million dollar plus house -- and they can finally move in. It drives them crazy, how long it's taking and I can feel for them for that, but some of that crazy is created by their own minds.

I slept well enough as I could with 2 cats in the room. They were actually pretty cool. Inca laid down the law with Topaz early on when he tried to crawl under the covers and we had peace after that. I had odd but fine -- I think -- dreams. I think I partly feel flat because I haven't a truly good friend to talk with every day, someone with whom I feel I can truly be myself. I have that somewhat with L&J but really not with anyone else. I realized it partly when E got to work after school. There is a 17 year old in me who likes to laugh and babble right along, but she doesn't get out to play so much and I hope poor E -- who wasn't really feeling well -- wasn't overwhelmed by how much I talked when she got there.

I am beginning to think that a lot of my church friends, well intentioned as they are, are actually idiots and with church being the only thing we have in common, it is all vaguely artificial, somehow.

I am feeling a space opened up in my life and I am talking to the animals more, the dogs and Inca primarily. I have always been a lonely girl, tho, all my life, my solitary childhood brightened primarily by my Gram and Aunt Joan and some dogs and imaginary friends. And God is the best imaginary friend of all because I know God is real and that I am a person focused primarily on spirit, and spirit reaches me clearly and truly, right to my heart, and through nature too. When I read or listen to the Beatitudes, I often think, 'Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God' is the one that applies to me. I have seen God, and I also know how my heart suffers in the world. It is too pure for this world and that has driven me nearly mad, and I am certain there are many people who would (or do) think me crazy yet and so I keep my peace, I keep it to myself. It is a secret between me and God, me and the things of the spirit, me and nature, which is full of spirit, plants, animals, birds, stone, wind, earth, on and on and on. Cloud.

Anyway I plan to soak in the bath again. My back hurts every day lately. I do so much lifting and carrying at work. We had a truck show up yesterday -- surprise! With 2 pallets! I told the guy there was no one there to run the forklift and he said he'd do it, he wanted to get the load off the truck. So he did it and I helped him haul and carry some of the stuff. And the store was busy too, and the phones, with screwed up orders that L screwed up because he is too obsessed with his house and not with his work. If he'd just let the builders build the house and stop meddling, it just might all be different.

Monday 10 November

Okay, so here we go. Monday. Grey, dim, damp, cool, not unpleasant. We had a good walk. The dogs move right along when it is cooler. We didn't see anyone, and as we went back down the hill, I saw a truck in the cemetery with a small backhoe, preparing to dig a grave in the soft, moist earth.

I slept well. I even went to bed early and read for awhile. I get tired of being crowded off the couch by cats. I am still tired, and am beginning to wonder if something is wrong with me, or maybe I am simply getting older, and all this walking and carrying wears me out. I was thinking how people are quick to say How are you? and Oooo I missed you! -- but never How can I help you? They must feel let off the hook by showing quasi concern in noting they missed me, but as I always say, Talk IS cheap.

A bit bitter? Maybe. Tired, more like, and sick of hearing -- Oh you weren't there! We missed you! You missed me? So fucking come and help me out now and then and maybe I will have the energy to show up a bit more often.

I have to deal with the bank this morning, find out what the fuck is up with my checking acct and why that fucking check bounced. It should not have bounced. I hate it when this happens. It always brings me back to when someone stole my debit card # and there I stood in the grocery store, with my kid and a full cart of groceries, unable to pay cos my card was declined, even tho I had deposited my pay check the day before. A low moment in the life of.

Okay, deep breath. Try to stay calm. Probably I get tired from the energy it takes to calm myself down. Maybe. I don't know. I was busy yesterday, dishes, laundry, vacuum, fish tanks. I went out and gathered apples from the trees since I couldn't buy any over the weekend. I had been meaning to gather apples for quite some time now, just hadn't done it, so this goaded me out the door. The Red Delicious are nicely sweet and definitely sweeten up my oatmeal. The Sops of Wine did not ripen fully and so are tart but are still good. I had an abundance of apples this year, tho not very many raspberries. Lots of elderberries too, tho I leave those for nature to eat. I hope birds eat them, anyway.

I secretly worry about Fergus. I probably shouldn't. He's energetic enough, happy enough, friendly enough. Enough!

I don't know if I will see L&J today at work. At first they had said they'd leave at noon, but then she said she probably wouldn't see me today, so I don't know what their plans are. Maybe L will come in the morning? I will know soon enough.

When I fed the 3 Papaya Bugs this morning, Matthew really leaped up and grabbed Zem's food in a huge mouthful. Cleared out most of it. I need to give her more.

I dreamt of being with the kids in Jamaica. And one little boy, his black eyes full of light, turned and looked directly into my eyes and said, I love you! I said, I love you too. It was one of those forceful dream moments, full of medicine. I had looked at photos and a video of Jamaica in the NY Times yesterday -- related to an article about Ian Fleming's years and inspirations and locations there -- many of them places I have been to or that Peat has told us about. It made me think of Mel too, and how I should send the link to her but I don't know if she'd actually look at it, so I didn't.

Sunday 9 November

Just got back from cleaning the church. JD stopped in to give me some homemade dog treats she got at a craft fair and to tell me the sewer line was fixed and it was safe to clean the toilets again. Had I done them yet? No, I like to save the best for last --

It rained a lot yesterday and was quite dim and grey, but today looks to be opening up to blue. Brighter. Nice. Still on the warm side, and damp. We saw a deer when we walked, up ahead of us. I had suspected one might be there, by the way Fergus was trotting so determinedly forward. I saw a flash of white tail over in the trees, and the hopping grace of the brown deer. I steered the dogs off the opposite way. And where in the recent past, Fergus would have jumped and yipped and yipped at the sight of the deer, today he only jumped. My older bear. He seems in very good spirits today tho, friendly and affectionate. I do love those dogs so and would be lost without them.

I am still tired today but not quite so much so. Mostly I am stiff and have pain -- wrist, ankle, hip, back, shoulder. The old work horse needs a good rubdown. Or perhaps another hot soak in the salt and the oil. That's good too. I don't know why salt works that way in the bath, but it certainly does work.

Fergus has gone back out. He saw Maya sitting out further over and did his leap off the porch thing, but not nearly so fast and dramatically as he would have even a few months ago. I understand his health is not the best, but he seems improved. I think the Lyme Disease and the poor nutritional content of that other dog food have a lot to do with it. The antibiotics he was on for the Lyme opened him up to the yeast infection. I did more reading on it yesterday to see if there is more I can do. Other than buying all kinds of fancy products which the Internet is of course full of -- I think I am on the right track. I decided only to give him yogurt in the morning in addition to the evening.

I counted up my change yesterday but I don't have enough to go buy cat litter. At least I did not get another bounced check notice in the mail yesterday, so now I have to try and figure out my balance and how much I need to put back in. I have yet to receive the 300 from the Relief Fund to help with the water heater replacement and I am beginning to wonder if I will ever see it. I am trying not to panic and freak out and despair about this. I am trying very hard to stay calm.

I hear crows and geese outside. I saw a lot of crows this morning, standing in the yellow and orange leaves, digging through them. It was a funny sight. I love crows, love their raucous nonsense and utter disregard for what people might think of them and of what they are doing.

I am enjoying my Sunday mandarin oranges. I am afraid that was the last can the Pantry had to offer. Until more are donated. I love them. So crisp and wet and orange. I got some english muffins too. I don't know if I have the energy for church. At this moment, I feel like I don't. I think I must have slipped into a trough of depression. The fatigue, the apathy, the confused thinking and inability to plan or organize effectively. Thankfully I can still read, at least. Thankfully! I finished the novel yesterday and went back to Hillary Clinton's memoir last night. I have another novel too but may visit the library tomorrow evening anyway.

Saturday 8 November

It really is warm. Some plants are greening up again. I spied a few new tansy blooms. I vaguely remember it being like this last year, warm right through Christmas, wearing my denim jacket to Christmas Eve worship. I am not complaining. I actually like it, being warm, not having the heat on. Of course Maya didn't come back in last night. Now that no one is here 3:30 - 4:30ish, she often isn't around. That was her usual come back in time. I haven't seen her yet this morning, but it is warm out. Moist. Geese flying over. The sunrise was a pale orange and the sky is vaguely grey.

I slept well. I was dreadfully tired last night. Spooked out and weird on our dog walk. There were cars up in the cemetery. A car, at first, just sitting there. I saw its lights. Then as we neared the bathroom by the Monument (I walk along near the road and in the streetlights' glow these dark nights), a State Police SUV came, another vehicle following right behind it. They went up and in, but in 2 separate directions. I don't know what any of that was about, but with that and both the dogs acting like they saw things that to me simply were not there, I was fairly well spooked and just wanted in.

And, I guess one of my checks bounced, and I am still trying to figure out why. I used the calculator, and no, not all my math was correct, but even so nothing should have bounced to the degree that check did. It upsets me deeply and gravely when this happens. I am so careful about my money. I have been vigorously trying to reassure myself ever since. And, as it is Saturday, there really isn't anything I can do anyway except to not spend any more money until Monday. I do need some cat litter and I am going to try to scrounge up enough change (about $4) to cover that. My life could feel really pathetic right now if I let it. I had reached deep fatigue yesterday, the kind where my solitary life feels like a tremendous burden, an unfair burden, the kind where I could lay down flat and let the world crush me while I whimper softly. So that's a trap I must avoid, and simply keep putting one foot in front of the other, take care of myself and all that needs attending to here. And keep praying. Keep talking to God.

I made myself a nice supper of venison steak and vegetables and a bagel. I did the dishes while it cooked. After the dogs and I had our spook-walk, I came in and had tea and cookies and read. It was peaceful, and I was content and grateful.

And so now today. I plan to have a bath. I am not sure if I will go to the library. My sinuses and throat are bothering me more again. I will definitely vacuum, I think. Wash the dogs with vinegar. I didn't do Fergus last night, tho I did do him in the morning.

Work is really busy. J and I worked our butts off getting orders out. The store, the phone, all that too. It seemed like L waddled off somewhere when we were so busy. I heard him congratulating J for all her hard work and thought about chiming in and thought 'Nah.' No honor in that. She kept thanking me a lot, and we both were fully aware it was a joint effort. She's a good person, and I like her. I like L too but that is a trickier thing.

Friday 7 November

It certainly has gotten mild. No hat, no gloves, open jacket. It rained yesterday but it was a warm rain, even walking home in it in the dark! Getting home in the dark. I am slowly becoming accustomed to it.

The mild weather is odd, but not unpleasant. I wore my rain boots today. I am tired from the week. I was quite brain dead by last evening, the kind of tired where my brain shuts down. Just shuts down. No worries, no cares, because my brain has shut itself off. I become a body, a pure animal, taking care of earthly needs with no thoughts rising beyond the present moment and the present movement. I get that tired.

We have been very busy at work. We have lots of orders to get out. The economy may be in the toilet but people still buy scented candles. They are cheering and they are comforting. I talked to a slightly nasty woman from Texas the morning after the election. It was almost as if -- McCain lost and she was upset and she wanted a Kobo candle to make herself feel better --

Anyway, I slept well despite some cat nonsense. Out of small pity, I let in Topaz and he has this urge to be let out in the middle of the night. I guess I had forgotten that. I also let in Inca because she scratched and cried at the door, and I usually let her in. She's all snuffly and sneezy again. And she wasn't bad except sometimes she puts her fuzzy face in my face when she wants to get under the covers. So there was a bit more disturbance than I cared to have but I still slept well enough, and certainly didn't almost oversleep like I have the past 2 mornings.

My thoughts just raced in 10,000 directions between the bathroom and back out here to the table, as I tried to navigate around Nick, yowling endlessly. What is his deal? I have discovered that if I leave the bottom drawer of the oven open all the time, Nick can no longer yank open the oven door. Which is a good thing because I was afraid he'd ruin the oven door.

I did not go to choir again. I was simply too tired. It was also dark and raining and I didn't finish my supper until 7. It puts me way behind with the singing but I guess on some level, I just don't care. I farted around taking photos of those incredible yellow calla lilies J gave me, and sent 2 of them to M and posted one of them in my album.

I think it is safe to say I am dangerously sick of cats making chaos and noise -- Nick -- and dogs endlessly bodily grooming. I have already yelled at Nick and at Bella. Fergus is out. I cleaned him with vinegar last night and it gave him such relief it made me think maybe I should be doing it 2x a day. This is such a tricky thing to gauge. He was digging away at himself before I did it, and was quite calm afterward. I think the rain and the wet didn't help at all.

I am sick of my hair too. I keep thinking I might like it cut and then I think to let it grow a little more and see how it looks. The cut, of course, all comes down to money. Once you get into the haircut thing -- oh it's such a pain. The woman who I like to have do it is so hard to track down. And then there's the money. Have I mentioned the money? Have I mentioned I carried home an 18lb. bag of dog food, groceries, and an umbrella through the dark rain last night?

Thursday 6 November : First Quarter Moon

I didn't write yesterday, too busy reading and watching election results. M sent a link to a Boston news channel video of her and hundreds of other college students hitting the streets in joyful celebration. And Obama's speech. I sat there with tears streaming down my face. I am delighted for M that her first voting experience is so full of positive energy and joy.

One of my first sights once down the hill, after stopping by the PO where I saw PB simply awash in vaguely nasty, definitely edgy negativity -- a way of life for her, really, tho she often manages to put a very friendly face on it -- after leaving there, I saw L running down the middle of Broad Street waving his cashmere scarf at the truck he was chasing. Too much. When I told him later of what a sight it was, he asked, "Did I look like a queen?" And while I was thinking, "Well, kinda....", I said, No, no, you didn't.

It is mild this morning. It had definitely warmed up again. It's pleasant, misty, moist, tones of grey and brown beginning to predominate the landscape, the colors of the long winter haul. As it is today, I feel like that work horse too long in the harness, but with many more furrows left to plow, and so I plod on, head down, step after step, not thinking too much, and not looking very far ahead. At least it is Thursday and the week has moved right along with the election to carry us. I already think I will not be at choir tonight. Last night, I didn't get the dogs out to walk until well after 7. The night before I was up late following the election. As soon as I could figure it looked like Obama would win, I went to bed. And then, I guess, half an hour later, it was over.

Work is very busy. We have tons of orders to get out. Another place to just put my head down and go. They did give me a lift home last night, tho, and J gave me half a bouquet of incredible yellow calla lilies that someone had given her when she delivered candles to their shop. They are incredible. I should try to get a decent photo of them while I have them.

I talked to CW about his drinking too. I am not sure how clearly he heard me. He is fully in alcoholic denial. I hope something got through. I emailed JD and urged her to get into contact with him too.

Oh well anyway, all I really want now is my tea. My allergies are acting up with this mild, moist climate we are currently in. My throat is sore a lot and my sinuses congested. The scents at work irritate it a little bit, and I drink pu erh tea all day long.

I am feeling a little bit like I can't keep all the strands in my hands. Some are dropping and some are slightly out of whack. As I plod on towards the weekend, and a couple of days off -- and then we get Tuesday off. Yes! Veteran's Day. Tho we will work Monday. L&J are leaving mid-afternoon, to the city, of course. Can't blame them, tho.

Last few lines here. Plod on, plod on. P sits before me atop Joy's tank, the blanket still covering it. I can see Bella's feet off over to my right. Not much going on. The dryer is running -- I did 2 loads after work last night. And now, time for tea.

Tuesday 4 November

I am tired in a raggedy way. I slept well enough tho I went to bed later than I'd hoped to. M called, and then JD. So I was doing that. By the time I lay down, I read only a couple of pages of my book because I could hardly concentrate, and I felt a headache coming on. The animals have been awful, it was pure chaos when I got home. Bad enough it is dark with the time change, but ever since P has turned into a wild bobcat in the house, attacking Topaz relentlessly, it has been very difficult with the cats. And then of course the dogs get all whipped up and involved. It's awful. And I simply have to stop giving vent to my anger and frustration by yelling because then I too am making it worse --

As if to counterpoint all this right now, sweet and gentle mellow Matthew is here, sinuously draping himself across my shoulders, all softness and sweetness and gentle mellow catness. Thank you Matthew. I do love you. You truly are the Best One, and if I had only you, how nice it would be. But alas he came as part of a package deal and his 3 siblings are regular causers of grief and frustration in the household.

It is Election Day. DD and MD are driving me to go vote, bless them. That was part of my talk with JD. That and the fact CW is drinking again and I saw him buy beer, and I had asked JD if I should speak to him about it. She thinks I should. J also thinks I should. Now to get up my courage. Because the fact is, I don't particularly like him in any special way and I don't want him to think I do. As it is at work I keep a distance. He has bad boundaries. And a flappy mouth. I don't want him any closer. I wasn't thrilled when he started working with us, like everyone at church seemed to expect I'd be thrilled. Fact was, I didn't care. There are more than enough broken down losers, messes, and misfits in this town -- myself often among them -- and I have absolutely no sense of liberal guilt driving me to treat any of them in a 'special' way. I am just as grumpy and distancing with them as I am with everyone else.

Matthew being here helped me forget another animal annoyance and that is the large aquarium is noisy and I tried to fix it last night by checking the impeller and it didn't work. And I shifted it and jiggled it and that didn't work and I guess I have to try again today because the noise really bothers me. I also finally got my period which also bothers me because I was hoping I would not get it -- it has outlived its usefulness in my life -- and I had only 2 pads left and am a bit broke at the moment. I am thinking I can scrounge up a few stray tampons in M's room.

I need to walk to the PO to mail that calendar to my mother. The timing is critical cos she is coming up on her Guenter Death Anniversary, and any gesture of giving towards her is something she soaks up like a thirsty sponge. I had hoped to get there yesterday but didn't have time after cashing the child support check at the bank. I am using part of the 10 she sent me for Halloween to pay for the postage. I used the other part to buy one of the pins the lady in the bank makes -- a nice little wooden bird. It is very nice!

Monday 3 November

Well, where was I? Got back from the walk and suddenly got busy with a million little details. That's what takes up all my time. Taking out the newspaper filling the cracks beside the back door to let out the dog and then re-inserting the newspaper after I shut the door behind him. I also have been forgetting to change the filter in the furnace, so the newspaper project reminded me of that, so down into the cellar I trotted. There were also bathroom matters to attend to. I also had to put P in the cat carrier before our walk because she was back in vicious attack mode. She goes after either Topaz or Sophia. I guess this is what mature cats in heat do. Hormones. Aren't they great. Speaking of hormones, I think I might have my period. And here I was hoping I might be let off that hook for a month. But no. But kind of yes, since I don't think I got it in Oct and here it is Nov 3. Anyway -- P attacked Topaz so viciously and persistently (it is her persistence that is truly frightening), I put her in the cat carrier and it was no little struggle getting her in there, and then she was like the Tasmanian Devil of cartoons stuck in his box. Truly. I left her there until she was calm, over an hour, and then carried box, hard boiled egg, and knife into my bedroom to let her out and give her her egg. She was calm all night after that -- she was probably exhausted. But it causes poor Topaz to hide out. Sophia too, by the looks of it this morning. I am not sure which one she went after earlier.

And as we know, Topaz is tiny, and it upsets him so much.

I brought Inca into my room to sleep overnight. I think P doesn't bother her, but the old girl deserves a peaceful night. Tho I was thinking, Sophia is 10 herself.

Anyway.

M called last night to talk about bus schedules and then told me they met John Kerry while out trick-or-treating in Beacon Hill. He was outside his home, and his wife was on the step. Unlike her friends, she did not get a photo with him -- why, M, why -- and she didn't even approach for candy. What is it with her -- when will she learn these opportunities are fleeting things and finally accept them, instead of reject them? Will she ever learn that? Isn't my problem, I know, but still. Even from a distance, she frustrates me, but it is her life, after all.

Yesterday was another brilliant day, clear blue sky and sun. The house is so pleasant on days like that. Warms up so nicely. Today is cloudy despite a spectacular sunset that had me thinking today would be nice.

During Communion yesterday, and also at certain points in my prayers, when my mind and heart is centered on Jesus, I keep seeing Barack Obama in my mind's eye. And I don't know what to make of it. He is surrounded by blue sky. He is like Jesus. I hope that isn't a bad thing, but it worries me a little bit and I asked God but then realized I didn't really want to know the answer. What popped into my head was "My ways are not your ways. My mind is not your mind."

Anyway, tomorrow is Election Day and the agony of anticipation will soon be over. I have already made a small space of peace inside my mind to exist in in case McCain wins.

Sunday 2 November

Sunday, and thankfully it's light out early cos we changed the clocks back again. It will be dark at the end of the day, at least it will be light out walking early in the morning. As it was today. And cold! Very frosty. Was forecast to be in the teens overnight. But it is sunny and clear despite the frost and all quite lovely.

I cleaned the church. It wasn't too dirty. Except for an issue with the toilets -- there was a porta-potty out back when I got there, never a good sign. A sign inside saying 'Flush as little as possible' -- think I'm gonna even lift the lids of those toilets, not to mention clean them? Nuh uh. Oh no. No way. And so, I didn't.

It made me think of the aging, and often failing, infrastructure of this village and the fact the mayor is a complete dickhead. 2 reasons why the church's sewer issues are what they are. In the past the mayor has refused to have the village see to these matters, even tho they are village matters. Four trustees have quit just this year because he is such a nasty little dictator. Even the Rocks Out Back War at work -- L called the mayor, since that is a fire lane out there, with signs and everything to prove it. And the mayor said, 'I don't know who out those signs there' (Oh! I went and bought them at Target and put them up myself!) 'but the village will no longer be responsible for that lane and we won't snow plow anymore either!' The guy is a total idiot. Total. Idiot.

Anyway. I am enjoying my Sunday mandarin oranges, compliments of the Food pantry. They are an intensely beautiful shade of deep orange. Very nice. I love them.

I slept well. I had weird dreams but I don't remember them. I am going to church today, as D begged me with tears in her eyes when I went in last Friday to get my paycheck. So I promised. Yes. I picked up 2 of those calendars they are selling again this year. I am sending one to my mother. It's pretty, so she should like it, and even if she doesn't like it, she will hang it up anyway.

I got lots of stuff done yesterday, and managed to rest too. Today all there is is the fish tanks. And dishes. I did some cooking yesterday, so that makes dishes.

How boring this all sounds. But it actually isn't boring. It is busy and full and reassuring. The daily round can be like a millstone around my neck, or it can be a spiralling disk upon which I ride and rest and reflect and let shape my days. Weekends I have more leeway in deciding what when, but during the week, not so much. The weekend is such a welcome break, and tho I often wish I had 3 days off instead of 2, I can usually hang in until a holiday comes. This month it will be a week from Tuesday -- Veteran's Day. This Tuesday is Election Day and if I don't arrange a ride over there, I am going to have to walk the mile -- in the dark -- to go vote. Because I have to vote. This is such an important election.

I am supposed to clean up after Communion today, and then I hope C can give me a lift to Byron's so I can get a big bag of cat food and a few other things. It was nice not to have to go yesterday. I did go to the library and got 3 more books that all look good. The novel is good, so well written, and Hillary Clinton's memoir which is dry but interesting and definitely written by a politician seeking votes.

Saturday November 1

Today is November 1. I was kind of surprised to remember it when I opened the devotional and found--no more pages! Had to dig out the new one I had squirreled away somewhere. Jesus and the 10 lepers, foreigners who ran off and heeded his instructions, one running back to thank him. "Get up and go; your faith has made you well." How often that theme repeats through the Gospels in various scenarios of healing, of being healed by God in the form of a man.

Anyway. It is cloudy and so it is dark. I saw faint stars when I first opened the back door to let out Bella, but they were obscured by cloud by the time we walked. It warmed up slightly and at this time of year, slightly feels like a lot. And so I have been warm and wondering -- Is it warm, or is it me? Warm. There was a wind out of the north that felt delightful. Cooling, fresh. I got sweaty as we walked in my hat and gloves and layers of clothing. I had unzipped my jacket even and of course there was no frost.

My mind is all a'scramble. I don't know what to write here. It is Saturday and I slept well. I am looking forward to soaking my tired, hardworking body in a hot bath. I am looking forward to going to the library and getting some new books. I bought sufficient food at Byron's on my way home yesterday, so I don't have to go down there today. I can still clean the church early Sundays because the clocks change tonight, and it will be light early and so I can go clean. Especially yet with no salty floors to mop. I so much prefer going early Sunday -- as long as it is light and there is no snow and ice -- to going Saturday afternoons. I may vacuum today (or tomorrow) and there are dishes to do. I also plan to cook beans. I wonder if this change in the sky means that rain is coming?

I was so tired last night. But it was an okay night to be tired. Halloween but not this far up the hill. Not. No. I didn't even see any trick or treaters but I didn't look and I certainly was not taking the dogs out as that is the night the ghoulies are out and about. No.

Inca slept with us again. I purposely found her and brought her in. I saw her on the counter waiting for me, an expectant look on her face. I hear a cat fight out front right now. Might be Maya. Who insists on going out. Tho I kept her inside last night too. I just went and checked. Of course as soon as I turned on the porch light and went out, silence. Like kids they are. Silence. No more thumping, growling, roaring. Nothing. I called her name a few times. I gathered up the umbrella I had left out there from early week rain. Came back in. Here I am. Life. It reminds me of when the dogs are eating something they shouldn't, and I say, "What are you eating--" and they instantly stop chewing, like guilty children, wide-eyed, "Nothing!"

The heat just turned on from me going out, but it really doesn't feel cold. I have it set around 55. Maybe it is me who is warm.

I am now in the bathroom. Couldn't put it off any longer. I seem to have my diet on a good place these days. More fruit, nuts.

Oh anyway. I am sure Fergus will want me to let him out once I go back into the kitchen. Little Zem is in the bathroom, as always. She hangs out in here. She is like a little mouse. An odd, small cat. Very odd. They are all odd and most often they drive me nuts. (Not a long drive.)

Friday 31 October

Matthew is here. He is up on my shoulders, purring and curling around me. He was in my bed last night when I pulled back the covers. I picked him up in a big silky ball and put him out in the hall. Inca slept with us, old Inca. Today is her birthday, M reminded me on the phone last night. She is 11. M wasn't sure of her age, but remembered her birthday, which I had forgotten. She also told me Inca is like her mother -- like me -- in cat form. Whatever that means. She sounded very certain when she said that, and she has alluded to it before. It mystifies me, somewhat.

Anyway, it's quite cold, frosty, and clear. Lots of stars. I looked up into them as much as I could while we walked. I got up 1/2 an hour early, just because I was ready to. I find that even when I get up earlier, I am still scrambling when it is time to leave for work. There is so much to do in the morning! My peak hours, my time for me and other tasks because my energy is so fresh and alive. The sunrise was barely a glimmer, merely a hint, as we came back down the hill. It was dark, but clear night sky dark, and I don't mind that, except for the streetlights and headlights actually make it harder to see, because my eyes have adjusted to the darkness.

I am glad I didn't go to choir because M called. I had just gotten in from our walk and I saw she had called, so I called her back. We talked for a bit. She had a lot to say about what is going on with classes and social life -- much more open and forthcoming than she was when she lived here! She also said that her father never calls, writes, emails, and she is beginning to feel more bitter about him, especially in light of the fact he contributes NOTHING to her college expenses. I didn't say but thought this morning how I need to tell her not to let that bitterness poison her. It is a bitterness I know well, and it is best spit out -- preferably at his feet in a steaming heap! Tho that isn't literally possible, how satisfying it would be to watch it burn through his shoes and scald his feet. There. Feel that. Have a sense of how your selfishness hurts others -- it is a kind of poison. But enough of him, he has taken up far too much space.

I am seriously thinking about not being in choir. I talked about that with M too. It really was a delightful conversation. I actually had the mental energy to be up for it. I had just gone into the bathroom to wash Fergus' tummy with vinegar when she called back. I noticed he had the mold spores all over his tummy and penis and so I gently dabbed the vinegar all over that space. The hair is gone and so it is all very easy to see on his pink skin. And yet, he is better. He gave me a kiss again this morning as I was getting up, and that tells me the most -- since he always always always used to do it, and then, month after month after month, no more.

M also said the set from 'Will & Grace" is in the college library, encased in glass. All I could think was, How big a space does it take up? She sounded so motivated and so positive. It was great. She isn't always that way when she calls. I think the learning community she lives in is really helping to give her a sense of purpose and shape, tho she did say she really doesn't know what her purpose is. She will find it if she looks for it -- I didn't say that but maybe I should. It took me decades to get a sense of that, and I don't know if I should tell her that or not!

Thursday 30 October

Cold, clear, nice. Stars. Frost. A glimmer, a hint, of sunrise on the eastern horizon. I was back to feeling most foul last night, tired, aggrieved, put upon, depleted. I think I forgot to take my Clarocet yesterday, but that wasn't the reason. It was more like Monday night, but with an edge. I was deeply resenting all the needs demanding filling that surrounded me. I was tired. I came home, and took care of things briskly, including cooking myself up a vegetable stew that I ate with pretzels and cheese. Quite tasty. Then the fucking cats -- Nick -- got into the bag of pretzels overnight, tore it open and I assume ate some, tho I didn't find any scattered about. Tea bags I found scattered about, because they knocked that jar to the floor too, knocked down the oatmeal container, and really, the first thing I thought was, 'Man, I must have been really tired last night because I never heard a thing.'

On the walk back down the hill last night, we were greeted by the hulking form of the dog who lives just up the way, a massively big mix breed, black, out loose, as he sometimes is at that time of day. Sometimes when I see him, I don't walk at all. He is that big and he will approach us and make it all very difficult. Last night I crossed the road as soon as I saw him ahead, crossed over and yet he tried to follow us, he walked right out into the road, heedless of the cars. It was dark and he is black and he was also fortunate the person stopped and waited. And then another car came and he narrowly avoided that one too. He was walking in that stiff legged hostile way dogs have, hair up on his back. I was relieved to avoid him, but it was touch and go for a bit there, and I was yelling 'GO HOME' at him. I called his owner when I got in, but got her voice mail. She's a dimwit to my mind, a full of shit liar, a bossy nurse. I don't even know if she was home, or if it was her dog 'walker' seeing to the dog. I don't know if she called back. I haven't checked my phone, and I didn't hear my phone, but I also didn't hear the cat havoc in my kitchen either.

I do wonder if this is extreme PMS. I don't think I've had my period this month, I've been thinking back and trying to remember. I have to go to choir tonight, I have been gearing up all week to get there. I don't really want to, and fear that by 7pm, I really won't want to. But then, early this morning, I was dreaming about singing with other people, and it was delightful, making up my own part to underscore the melody. I had to stop by the church office yesterday to give JD the water heater bill so she could make a copy. She was going to see if the Relief Fund could help me pay for part of it. She gently insisted -- which was kind of her. Because I do need glasses and was hoping to get some now that I finally have health insurance. Paying for the water heater was going to make that possibility suddenly impossible but maybe now it's possible again.

L told me I have to find someone to jump his car. I was tempted to say 'It's your car...you do it...' but I didn't have the energy, and besides he has been on a snaggle toothed edge dealing with situations at work, including the infamous 'Rocks Out Back Guerilla War'. Whatever. I reassured myself by telling myself I didn't have to deal with it today.