It's a beautiful day. Below zero cold, but beautiful -- light blue sky above the new snow that has drifted in places in beautiful symmetry. Maya didn't even want to go out. She knew with the precision of her cat sense that it'd be too damn cold outside. We saw no one, not even a crow.
M and I went to P&M's last night and it was tolerable. P was somewhat sulky and feeling sorry for herself but she kept her nastiness under control. She went after me a bit at the end of the night, but I was in better shape than she was and deflected her accusatory words quite easily. She's got nothin' on me.
I brought over the bottle of wine L&J had given me in early December but that I couldn't open, and M opened it for me. I gladly shared it with whoever asked, even tho I knew they wouldn't like it. They were drinking that pink stuff out of a box in the fridge, and this was a nice French red at gasp room temperature. M did admit he prefers that kind of wine with pasta. Whatever.
I was glad M came with us. I don't think she went out after we got home around 11. She told me St wasn't allowed to drive anywhere as her dad was worried about drunks on the road. They spoke to each other now and then but M never went over there and I was honestly just as glad she didn't. She seems to be improving somewhat but she isn't better.
We are supposed to go to the dV's for dinner today and I sure am hoping that means early evening and not mid-day meal dinner. Otherwise I am going to have to get in rapid gear and get that mousse made. I made the crust yesterday afternoon. It was pleasant to sit grinding up Oreos into my big blue bowl.
I didn't let Inca in my room last night. It was late and I was tired and no way was I gonna deal with cat nonsense. She was quite indignant this morning, as only a cat can be.
It really is beautiful outside.
I watched the New Year's fireworks in Sydney AU yesterday afternoon and they were so beautiful. Really impressive. My New Year's blog made the home page of Open Salon again. 3 out of 4 of my pieces are 'Editor's Picks'. Nice. I really haven't anything to write about lately, tho those open calls always prompt me to respond somehow. It's like an assignment and I was always game for writing assignments, I never know what is going to pop into my head but something always does.
I didn't hear the church bells at midnight but I may have dozed off by then. I didn't even read when I went to bed.
I made a nice supper of venison sausage, onions, carrots, and potatoes. I baked M some carrots but she turned up her nose at them. Bitch.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Wednesday 31 December : New Year's Eve
It' snowing quite hard -- straight out of the north. Who knew? Not me. I was pleasantly surprised when I first saw it, all pretty and white, after I had opened the back door. But, by the end of our walk, after enduring the northern driven snow biting straight into my face, it wasn't so pleasant anymore. And, of course, Fergus wanted to stop and bite sticks to pieces. So I turned my back to the wind and let him because God forbid the day he dies be a day when I didn't let him find gigantic portions of tree branches to carry proudly, head held high, and then dramatically drop so that he can ferociously bite off all the small twigs. Rrrrawr, he is such a big dog.
Anyway I have no idea what time it is even and I do not want to know. I didn't sleep very well, but I was comfortable enough. I had a weird dream about betraying -- not in a sexual way -- a man I had loved but whom I didn't really respect anymore. But then when I saw him upset by my lying actions -- I had made it look like gifts I had intended to give him, with an affectionate letter included, were actually from someone else, not me. It was a silly, stupid misunderstanding, the stuff of French farce. But it came at a time, I now realize, when he needed to hear I cared, and I had thought it wouldn't matter to him anyway. But when I saw it did, I tried to fix it and make it right, but it was beyond that by then.
The things about that, I realize as I write, is that I often do that very thing -- underestimate the affection people have for me and distance myself, finding out only later that they actually cared. I seem to have this vacuum space inside me, this null spot, this void, this impenetrable barrier of scar tissue that keeps me from truly appreciating the warm feelings other people might have for me. In some people that isn't so -- JdV, for example. She is so pure, in her way, but I am also sure -- tho I don't really remember it -- I probably did the same to her at one time. I remember a long time ago at a psychic ability workshop I attended, the woman I was partnered with saw me as a rose, but a rose that kept deep within the hedgerow, withdrawing from others, even tho others beseech me to join them.
Oh well anyway. I am supposed to go to P&M's tonight and I probably will. I need to go to the market for a few things today. I discovered yesterday that the dry dog food I buy went up $5. $5! Really bad. But the good thing is my neighbor was also at the market, and she gave me a ride home so I didn't have to lug home, in the wind, 5 pounds of bird seed and 18 pounds of dog food. God is good.
Anyway I have no idea what time it is even and I do not want to know. I didn't sleep very well, but I was comfortable enough. I had a weird dream about betraying -- not in a sexual way -- a man I had loved but whom I didn't really respect anymore. But then when I saw him upset by my lying actions -- I had made it look like gifts I had intended to give him, with an affectionate letter included, were actually from someone else, not me. It was a silly, stupid misunderstanding, the stuff of French farce. But it came at a time, I now realize, when he needed to hear I cared, and I had thought it wouldn't matter to him anyway. But when I saw it did, I tried to fix it and make it right, but it was beyond that by then.
The things about that, I realize as I write, is that I often do that very thing -- underestimate the affection people have for me and distance myself, finding out only later that they actually cared. I seem to have this vacuum space inside me, this null spot, this void, this impenetrable barrier of scar tissue that keeps me from truly appreciating the warm feelings other people might have for me. In some people that isn't so -- JdV, for example. She is so pure, in her way, but I am also sure -- tho I don't really remember it -- I probably did the same to her at one time. I remember a long time ago at a psychic ability workshop I attended, the woman I was partnered with saw me as a rose, but a rose that kept deep within the hedgerow, withdrawing from others, even tho others beseech me to join them.
Oh well anyway. I am supposed to go to P&M's tonight and I probably will. I need to go to the market for a few things today. I discovered yesterday that the dry dog food I buy went up $5. $5! Really bad. But the good thing is my neighbor was also at the market, and she gave me a ride home so I didn't have to lug home, in the wind, 5 pounds of bird seed and 18 pounds of dog food. God is good.
Tuesday 30 December
It's quite windy, and colder, and we have a new dusting of snow that is quite pretty but also conceals the ice. I slipped a couple of times, but did not fall. Once we got out into the field, it was better, as the snow has frozen and compacted and is very easy to walk on. In fact, the wind is so strong, it blows the plastic over my windows in and out, like a giant inhaling and exhaling right outside.
M came back yesterday. She is quite pale and has dark circles under her eyes, but she feels better and is perkier and happier. She told me her grades. She didn't fail anything, as was her goal. She did average okay, not great. But in the writing class (B+), she was asked to submit 2 of her pieces for further publication, so that was a very good thing. I think, being a writer of her calibre, and getting a B+, shows that her college has high standards and that is a good thing too. I don't know when/if I will address the drinking issue with her -- coward! Maybe -- since I have yet to receive any formal notification from the school and also she talks as if her European studies have not been jeopardized in any way.
We had dinner at C's last night and it was tolerable. PB was snarky mouthed and judgmental and obnoxious as usual, and at one point I gave it right back to her, but I didn't enjoy it. And now I have managed to get myself back in the position of going to her house on New Year's Eve -- the invitation from the dV's was for NY's Day, it turns out, and as that was revealed right at the dinner table, I had no choice but to re-insert myself into insecure PB's plans. But I regret it already and am wondering what kind of illness I can come down with so that I don't have to go. That's tomorrow night -- I have plenty of time to sort out my feelings.
Today I need to get some stuff at the market, including dog food, which once again, they did not have on Sunday when I had a ride. WTF. So I can lug one of those home today, along with a couple other necessities.
M was eager to get back here apparently. She indicated she had gotten sick of FF quickly. He is what he is.
It looks like there might be clear skies today, it is brighter and I can see blue.
And now I sit here, silent, my mind blank. I imagine M will sleep all day cos it sounded like she was up all night. The little bell on my front porch is ringing, and it only rings when the wind is especially strong. I hear that and the crinkle of the plastic over the windows breathing in and out. I never cleaned the floors yesterday -- after I got back from the bank and mailing my phone bill (I borrowed a stamp from work), I just didn't feel like it once I got back home. It was grey and dank yesterday, so nice to see light and a hint of blue today.
M came back yesterday. She is quite pale and has dark circles under her eyes, but she feels better and is perkier and happier. She told me her grades. She didn't fail anything, as was her goal. She did average okay, not great. But in the writing class (B+), she was asked to submit 2 of her pieces for further publication, so that was a very good thing. I think, being a writer of her calibre, and getting a B+, shows that her college has high standards and that is a good thing too. I don't know when/if I will address the drinking issue with her -- coward! Maybe -- since I have yet to receive any formal notification from the school and also she talks as if her European studies have not been jeopardized in any way.
We had dinner at C's last night and it was tolerable. PB was snarky mouthed and judgmental and obnoxious as usual, and at one point I gave it right back to her, but I didn't enjoy it. And now I have managed to get myself back in the position of going to her house on New Year's Eve -- the invitation from the dV's was for NY's Day, it turns out, and as that was revealed right at the dinner table, I had no choice but to re-insert myself into insecure PB's plans. But I regret it already and am wondering what kind of illness I can come down with so that I don't have to go. That's tomorrow night -- I have plenty of time to sort out my feelings.
Today I need to get some stuff at the market, including dog food, which once again, they did not have on Sunday when I had a ride. WTF. So I can lug one of those home today, along with a couple other necessities.
M was eager to get back here apparently. She indicated she had gotten sick of FF quickly. He is what he is.
It looks like there might be clear skies today, it is brighter and I can see blue.
And now I sit here, silent, my mind blank. I imagine M will sleep all day cos it sounded like she was up all night. The little bell on my front porch is ringing, and it only rings when the wind is especially strong. I hear that and the crinkle of the plastic over the windows breathing in and out. I never cleaned the floors yesterday -- after I got back from the bank and mailing my phone bill (I borrowed a stamp from work), I just didn't feel like it once I got back home. It was grey and dank yesterday, so nice to see light and a hint of blue today.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Monday 29 December
I can't honestly say I enjoy our walk these days, at least not at the outset. It is difficult walking, with chunky ice and hard uneven surfaces. But once we get to the field, and the cemetery, it is much better. My boots are no longer uncomfortable -- they and I have finally become accustomed to one another.
It's grey. It's damp. The snow has been steadily melting -- it got almost to 50 yesterday, but it wasn't sunny -- and the world has taken on that dirty snow, mushy thawed dog shit look. We need a good freeze and a fresh coat of snow to cover it. It isn't as if it's March and the thaw is on its way. It is only just December's end, and winter's late beginning, the solstice being only just a week or so past.
I had a long email conversation with FF re: M. I am feeling slightly more rational about it all today, and it occurred to me that her getting caught so early on could be seen as a good thing. Maybe a huge knock upside the head, reality check. I can hope. My stomach still twists when I consider she may not be allowed to study in the Netherlands next year. That would be a hard lesson indeed. And then there's the matter of her grades -- I may never see them. This is a really challenging stage of parenting.
I had a nice quiet day yesterday. I pretty much just chilled. Read, relaxed. I wasn't hungry -- I haven't had an appetite in many days -- but I make myself eat anyway.
Tonight is the dinner at C's. I wouldn't mind getting out of it but that won't be possible. C was badgering me yesterday about whether M was coming -- because then she has to make a vegetarian dish (her lasagna is crammed full of hamburger and I despise it but there is no avoiding it). I didn't hear from M until after 4 and she said she wants to go to C's. But that was another whole 24 hours away. I hate being the go-between in this nonsense. C told me I could let her know this morning -- by the latest! -- whether M will be there. M sounds like she wants to go. M has bad judgment. I stand back and say What the fuck. Indeed, what the fuck.
Anyway. I have to go to the bank. I have to mail my phone bill today. I forgot to do it on Saturday. I am lost in time with this holiday. I barely know what day it is with all the usual schedules completely suspended. Or what time it is, even.
Anyway, what to say. Fergus is old and itchy. Pearl the fish is back in her bad place. BT gave me her poinsettia after church yesterday. She is the only person who asked me how it was for me with M being sick on Christmas and after I told her -- the truth -- she gave me her beautiful red poinsettia.
It's grey. It's damp. The snow has been steadily melting -- it got almost to 50 yesterday, but it wasn't sunny -- and the world has taken on that dirty snow, mushy thawed dog shit look. We need a good freeze and a fresh coat of snow to cover it. It isn't as if it's March and the thaw is on its way. It is only just December's end, and winter's late beginning, the solstice being only just a week or so past.
I had a long email conversation with FF re: M. I am feeling slightly more rational about it all today, and it occurred to me that her getting caught so early on could be seen as a good thing. Maybe a huge knock upside the head, reality check. I can hope. My stomach still twists when I consider she may not be allowed to study in the Netherlands next year. That would be a hard lesson indeed. And then there's the matter of her grades -- I may never see them. This is a really challenging stage of parenting.
I had a nice quiet day yesterday. I pretty much just chilled. Read, relaxed. I wasn't hungry -- I haven't had an appetite in many days -- but I make myself eat anyway.
Tonight is the dinner at C's. I wouldn't mind getting out of it but that won't be possible. C was badgering me yesterday about whether M was coming -- because then she has to make a vegetarian dish (her lasagna is crammed full of hamburger and I despise it but there is no avoiding it). I didn't hear from M until after 4 and she said she wants to go to C's. But that was another whole 24 hours away. I hate being the go-between in this nonsense. C told me I could let her know this morning -- by the latest! -- whether M will be there. M sounds like she wants to go. M has bad judgment. I stand back and say What the fuck. Indeed, what the fuck.
Anyway. I have to go to the bank. I have to mail my phone bill today. I forgot to do it on Saturday. I am lost in time with this holiday. I barely know what day it is with all the usual schedules completely suspended. Or what time it is, even.
Anyway, what to say. Fergus is old and itchy. Pearl the fish is back in her bad place. BT gave me her poinsettia after church yesterday. She is the only person who asked me how it was for me with M being sick on Christmas and after I told her -- the truth -- she gave me her beautiful red poinsettia.
Sunday 28 December
Fog over snow. It's probably pretty but I am too angry to enjoy it. Still processing my huge emotions from yesterday. I am really very angry at M. I am beginning to be able to verbalize some of it to myself. Angry, disappointed, disillusioned. I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore. I feel hurt because she has dissed all that has been done for her and given to her. I don't know how to proceed. I am truly at a crossroads. I am sad that Christmas was such a drag, that special things were barely paid attention to. By her. I tried to do special things and I tried to make it nice.
I have a maelstrom inside me. I am somewhat blinded by it. But I am angry, agitated. I have no words to speak to her.
Thankfully she went to FF's. He took her to the urgent care clinic yesterday -- she finally decided to go. And, she has mono. What else can I say other than I feel like she is hellbent on destroying all that she has. Trashing every gift. Acting like a real addict type. I hope she stays at his house for awhile. She probably won't but I wish she would. I truly do. It is last summer all over again, with a large surly moody discontented parasite in my house. She is very difficult. I am not strong enough. It drains me very much.
I went to JdV's yesterday morning to talk about it with her. She was very helpful and helped give me words to say when the anger clears from my vision. Then I went to the library and to the market. Got soy milk and soup for M, which of course she turned her nose up at.
I have to back off from all this and take care of myself and of my life here. It is all I can do, and keep digesting these huge emotions inside me.
I sent FF an email yesterday telling him about her censure and fine at school. I received no mail yesterday so I have not been officially informed. S in Chicago was her usual bright self, both reassuring and dismaying me -- but she always manages to normalize things for me and that makes me feel better.
I cleaned the church yesterday and am glad not to have to go down there this morning. Thankfully it wasn't too dirty and didn't take too long to do.
I will go to worship today, and chill as much as I can. I plan only to clean the floors. I have a bunch of good books from the library to read, and also the one JdV gave me for Christmas.
At least with the mono M has an excuse to lay around all the time. I feel ashamed of her -- for her -- anyway.
I have a maelstrom inside me. I am somewhat blinded by it. But I am angry, agitated. I have no words to speak to her.
Thankfully she went to FF's. He took her to the urgent care clinic yesterday -- she finally decided to go. And, she has mono. What else can I say other than I feel like she is hellbent on destroying all that she has. Trashing every gift. Acting like a real addict type. I hope she stays at his house for awhile. She probably won't but I wish she would. I truly do. It is last summer all over again, with a large surly moody discontented parasite in my house. She is very difficult. I am not strong enough. It drains me very much.
I went to JdV's yesterday morning to talk about it with her. She was very helpful and helped give me words to say when the anger clears from my vision. Then I went to the library and to the market. Got soy milk and soup for M, which of course she turned her nose up at.
I have to back off from all this and take care of myself and of my life here. It is all I can do, and keep digesting these huge emotions inside me.
I sent FF an email yesterday telling him about her censure and fine at school. I received no mail yesterday so I have not been officially informed. S in Chicago was her usual bright self, both reassuring and dismaying me -- but she always manages to normalize things for me and that makes me feel better.
I cleaned the church yesterday and am glad not to have to go down there this morning. Thankfully it wasn't too dirty and didn't take too long to do.
I will go to worship today, and chill as much as I can. I plan only to clean the floors. I have a bunch of good books from the library to read, and also the one JdV gave me for Christmas.
At least with the mono M has an excuse to lay around all the time. I feel ashamed of her -- for her -- anyway.
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