Saturday 27 December : New Moon

And so. As I was getting my coat and boots for our dog walk, I saw a letter from the college right atop M's bag. Thinking it might be her grades, I looked at it. Turns out she was in double violation of the alcohol policy at the school and in the dorm, and had a hearing. She was fined and is now censured. This happened before Thanksgiving. The letter was dated 12/9. It doesn't appear she paid the fine, but maybe she did. It said I would get a letter about it, but I haven't. Yet. I am still seething and simmering about all this. I don't expect she will be up for a bit, so I guess that gives me time to process my feelings somewhat.

I don't even know where to begin with my feelings. So I guess I will just proceed into my day. Library, market, clean church. My life goes on, anyway, and I feel pretty much unable to begin to deal with M. Yesterday she accused me of doing nothing to help her, and said that's why she's sick. I set her straight on that count, and she was contrite and friendly when she finally awoke in the evening. She slept all day.

I know one thing for certain -- if she has blown her chance to study in the Netherlands, she owes my mother the $300 deposit back.

So. It's very damp out. There is less snow and it was easier to walk. It is supposed to get up into the 50s either today or tomorrow and rain, and then go back down into the 30s.

I don't know what to say. I feel blindsided and emptied out. I do not like being a single parent especially in times like this. I was thinking I could tell her she acts like an alcoholic with her refusal to take responsibility for her own behavior and tendency to blame others. It said in the paper she has to attend some kind of program. I should go back to the college website and see what that program is.

This all makes me feel sick. And proceeding with my usual day is about all I can do to cope. Easy to feel overwhelmed by it all. Too easy.

I sit here scribbling and really don't know how to express anything. I walked in the door and saw the Christmas tree and presents and her asleep on the couch and felt like it was all a kind of mockery. That things aren't what they seem, aren't as they appear. I don't know what to do except to say I feel like I am drowning a bit. I feel completely unable to deal with this young woman. I am in over my head. In the olden days, people used to throw their young adult children out of the house. Now they let them stay. I have no idea whatsoever how to proceed and I can't pray cos all I want to do is pound my fists against the heavens.

Friday 26 December

I got interrupted by DdV coming to the door with some of the dinner I had missed and their gifts to us. It was so kind! We stood out on the porch and visited for a bit.

And then the day dragged on into night and my spirits crashed and I rallied them back up again as best I can. The sulky, ill presence of M is dark and dampening. I suppose it isn't her fault, but neither can I deny the effect it has upon me. Fortunately S in Chicago was online and she and I IM'd for quite awhile and I talked it out with her. It was at that point that M got up and started puking, tho it sounded more like gagging coughing than like actual heaves but who am I to say. I was so sick of it all by then and so worried she was having a breakdown or whatever. It was all too much, and it made for a long fucking Christmas if I do say so and that is a bald fact, not self pity.

So anyway I guess I need to pull myself together today and proceed as if everything is normal and not be sucked into any negativity. I think I need to go to the bank, maybe, cos I have a mortgage payment today. And I need soy milk and I have to mail my phone bill. I was thinking about the library but I will probably do that tomorrow. I also want to clean the fish tanks. If M is up for it -- she probably won't be tho -- I will make mousse pie. Or, I can save that for New Year's because we have been invited to the dV's. I will ask J if that is okay. J gave me what looks to be a good book, a spiritual memoir by Anne Rice. I couldn't find the Doctor Who Christmas special online yet last night. I am thankful the sun is shining cos it helps lift my spirits. I feel helpless and unable to be of any real help to M. Maybe I should simply keep it simple: be kind and offer tea or be of assistance when she expresses her wants. I think it is important to not so much anticipate her wants for her, but for her to ask herself for what she needs. I hope she is better today cos if she isn't it will be all that much more difficult for me. Yes, me. I have enough to handle. And her energy is large and stronger than mine by virtue of her youth, if nothing else.

Thursday 25 December : Christmas Day

So, here's the story. I didn't write this morning, as it is Christmas (just what does that mean exactly) and M was surprisingly up when the dogs and I got back. I took it slow on the dog walk and let them sniff and play. I figured we had the time. I didn't expect M to be up. But she was sicker, apparently, and miserable. (She had gotten home the evening before with a very bad sore throat. I had her gargle with salt water. She went to church and was fairly game but made it clear it hurt VERY MUCH to swallow. She didn't -- and doesn't -- have a fever.) Anyway she was so miserable she wasn't even interested in opening presents and I kind of made her get over herself enough to do that. And she perked up a bit and then faded away. She has been sleeping all day. It is now after 3. Needless to say we did not go to the dV's for dinner, and J has insisted on bringing up a plate to me which I expect she will do in the next hour or so.

Today has been peaceful, and kind of boring, but as long as I don't think Oh! It's Christmas! and have certain expectations about it, I am fine. My mindset is funky odd enough, I can handle it okay, and it was a relief not to rush into the rigmarole of making mousse pie and carrots to bring to the dV's but I also did very much miss getting together with them all for dinner.

Wednesday 24 December : Christmas Eve

I didn't write first thing when I got back because my head was full of something I wanted to post online, and so I had to go do that. But something didn't feel right, and I know it was because I hadn't done this yet --

It is snowing again! But lightly. It is peaceful, soft, and pretty. I can appreciate it because I don't have to rush off to work today. I have to get down to the bank and go to the market and clean the church, but I don't have to be at my other job all day too. Like I was yesterday, but it wasn't too bad. The store is very slow this year -- the effects of the economy reaching here also, as we are all connected. Naturally.

Matthew is here seated before me on the notebook -- I could trace his feet with my pen. Oh, now he has climbed up onto my shoulders, purring. I slept in until 7. It was delightful. I hear a blue jay outside near the feeder. Oh! When I was coming in from filling the feeder -- and I moved the suet cage deeper into the apple tree, giving it better access to small branches to perch on -- I heard this beautiful, beautiful unfamiliar bird song. It was a watery trill and the best I could make of it was, that it sounded like 'Pretty bird' -- but very melodic. I said Pretty bird back to the bird and it would sing out again -- we did this back and forth until I finally went inside. I felt like the birds were thanking me. And I looked and looked but I could not see the bird warbling the lovely song.

And my pants were covered in snow up to mid-calf and they feel chilly and damp now tho I brushed them off as best I could. The extra added bit of snowfall made for strenuous walking as it wasn't nearly as cold as yesterday (it was -15F yesterday!). The dogs, Fergus in particular, didn't pull me along very fast. Fergus seemed a bit off this morning, overall, but very friendly and sweet. Bella was her usual ridiculous, delightful, self.

I wrapped all the presents last night and I just need to tidy up the living room a bit to make it nice for Christmas. All this snow, despite the fact it can be such a pain in the ass, makes for a very beautiful Christmas!

We are having dinner at the dV's tomorrow and I am bringing carrots baked in ginger and honey since M could come up with no better suggestion than french toast. If I were a perfect mother, I would make her french toast for breakfast tomorrow, but I have barely the energy to do what there already is to do. Like make the mousse pie, which M does want, I did ask, since I wouldn't have minded not making it!

Tuesday 23 December

I didn't write yesterday. I had too much to do. I had to shovel after our sled dog run. The snow is quite deep, as it fell from Friday through Sunday. We had to find snowmobile tracks and go on them. It was quite strenuous at times but Fergus was up for it -- and Bella goes along, but boy does she pick up the pace when we turn around to head back home. Then she wants to be lead dog. She is quite strong, stronger than dear Fergus who shows not so much the effects of his age but of the Lyme Disease.

Anyway we had another rigorous run this morning but we did not go quite as far as it it below 0F this morning. Quite frosty. I was warm in my parka, tho my hair was full of frost from my breath when we got back. And then I had to put out the garbage, and feed the birds. The feeder was pecked clean. I put 4 piles of seed on the ground too. What seed I put on the ground yesterday was completely gone.

I had been tempted to call in sick today but I have decided I won't. I need my paycheck, I need to go to the market, and I want to give L&J and CW cards. M is leaving with FF at 1pm today. She will be back tomorrow evening for Christmas Eve worship. And even tho I don't have to work at my main job tomorrow, I will still have to clean the church, and that will be a major exertion with all this snow and salt.

We had choir last night and it was tolerable. DdV is losing his mind -- he said it, and he looked it. We were a ragtag rabble of singers for sure, many of us apparently coming loose at the seams. And it isn't just the holiday, but the weather too, which has been so intense and extreme for the past week and a half.

I keep thinking of more little things I want to get M for Christmas -- this time some Raspberry Zinger tea. I saw Byron's had some, and she has been plowing through the loose fruit tea I have in the cabinet.

We had a little tussle about supper last night. She didn't like what I was cooking -- my frittata variation -- and I told her quite plainly, AGAIN, that if she doesn't like what I am making, she can make her own supper. I told her what we have -- which is plenty. I can see this morning that at some point she finally heated up some of the veggie-bean soup I had made. I am not having this food war with her anymore. Nope.

Anyway. I think I might buy myself some Newcastle Brown Ale on my way home. It isn't meant to be drunk cold like most beers and so will be a welcoming and relaxing winter beverage of a cold evening. And I am tired. Flat out speechless and boring tired. I am so happy to have a holiday and time to rest ahead.

Sunday 21 December : Winter Solstice

It's still snowing. It snowed all day yesterday and it looks like all night too, and now over today and tonight, we are supposed to get about another foot. The only real good thing is that the temperature is supposed to gradually rise out of the teens into the 20s. I am used to it. I am resigned to it. It is pretty. But it is also exhausting.

I ended up cleaning the church last night after the choir party. It was the only sensible way. The downstairs floors were a mess of salt and dirt. I knew they'd take a bit of time to clean and a long time to dry. And so, that is what I did. And it was fine. I am tired this morning but I would have been tired this morning regardless, and honestly I could hardly bear the thought of facing that job this morning. I knew it would be snowing this morning so, I slept in until after 7 -- usually I am cleaning the church by then. I didn't sleep well but I was comfy and warm. M was up around 4am and that annoyed me a little bit. I got up to pee and asked her why she was up -- with all the freakin lights on, of course. But at least she is home! Safe and sound. They made good time despite the fact it snowed the whole way. The major roads were nicely cleared she said. I had managed to get the shoveling done, and vacuumed, and walked to the market all before she got here. I was about to step in the shower when she actually did get here.

There was a fresh supply of mandarin oranges in the food pantry last night, and I am enjoying some now. They really have become my Sunday morning ritual.

The choir party was tolerable. Going over with the dV's is pleasant and I can trust they will leave early, and a mass exodus happened when we left, leaving only the special little group behind to enjoy themselves by feeling superior. I could tell M is actually quite exhausted tho she denies it, just like a kid always denies it when it is pointed out to them. She was dozing on the couch when I got back from cleaning. My main concern as I walked back was that I'd be hit by a snowmobile, but thankfully I only saw one and it didn't come barrelling straight at me.

I imagine church will be sparsely attended this morning. If Duffy doesn't make it in, I will be left to sing the alto part alone, which isn't too bad because I mostly know this song. Parts of it are really pretty and parts are really sappy but mostly it's okay.

I need to get more things at the market so that M can eat. I also forgot to buy toilet paper yesterday. Thankfully C will expect to give me a ride, since she commended me on my intelligence for waiting until she gives me a ride to buy heavy stuff. Yeah.

Saturday 20 December

We got snow. A lot of it. But thankfully it is light and fluffy because it was also quite cold -- in the teens all day yesterday. Around 10F when I went to bed. I filled the feeder when I got home from work. I came home a little more than an hour early so that I would not have to walk home in the dark. It was nice getting home a bit earlier and feeling like I had time to breathe. I made a bowl of popcorn and ate it all. I don't have time for that when I work until 5. Especially since I am usually so beat. I am to bed by 8. No one truly understands what an effort it can be to walk everywhere in this kind of extreme weather -- the ice, the snow, the cold. It all makes for real exertion. I am sure I am quite fit, as MR remarked the other day, but it comes at a cost -- fatigue. And all these scathing tongues I perceive round me, among my so-called church friends -- they are probably the most judgmental lot of all. I have said ti before -- and will say it again -- Want to find a bunch of hypocrites? Become involved with a church!

That said, today is the choir party. Oh tra lah. J & D are picking me up. It is at 5. I am catching a ride home with them too, as they leave on the early side and I have a big dirty church to clean in the morning. But that's a worry for tomorrow. For today I have enough. I am washing all the couch blankets so M will have a nice place to sleep. I plan to clean the floors too so that she doesn't come home to a dirty house. I need to get some things at the market. I need to stop at the ATM to get some cash because I used the $80 child support money to buy food and pay postage on the box to RH. There was such a line in our tiny PO yesterday. It made me think the Postal Service was certainly sending a lot of boxes yesterday. I had an email from Aunt J about our respective packages and she also told me the woman who she rents her house from -- for many, many years now, at least 20 -- was killed by a car (hit!) and so the house is being appraised for sale now. I am sure she knew this would happen someday, but what an added stress. And it's always the risk when you rent. She is such a homebody and I am sure she loves her home and this must be very stressful for her. She has told me many times in the past she wanted to buy the place but it never happened. And with the property values being high down there -- of course, also, with the economy the way it is, lately -- BAD -- it is also a buyer's market. But anyway, I wrote her back about it, and am also praying for her.

I suppose I also have to shovel snow today. We took an abbreviated walk -- the snow was just too deep in the field and even Fergus -- my snow bear -- was relieved so that says a lot about what a bunch of old farts we are becoming!

Friday 19 December : Last Quarter Moon

I don't feel like doing this writing. I am frankly at the end of my rope, exhausted, frayed, coming apart. Today is Friday, thankfully, and that helps except another snow storm is on the way, promising up to 10 inches. And so M won't be back today -- they are going to wait out the storm and come back tomorrow. I am coming apart at the seams. I feel tired, headachey, sore throat, stuffy nose, upset stomach. I think it is sheer fatigue, not that I am actually getting sick. I could have slept longer. I lay there in a drowsy state thinking I could soak in a hot bath tonight. I am still cooking those damn chicken thighs for the dogs. I gave some to them last night, and again this morning, and saw they weren't cooked all the way through. I didn't have time to cook them last night as I had extra long choir, and as it was, C waited out front for me as I struggled to get out the door on time. At the very last moment, I couldn't find my keys. But I had switched on the porch light when I first saw her out there so that she'd know I knew she was there. Her car was full of toys for the giveaway thing this weekend, and I helped carry some in. MB was visibly frosty towards me and gave me slightly evil looks. I know P has been talking trash about me -- because she is trash -- ever since I exited from the little Christmas Eve dog and pony show extravaganza. Mel is also back, and she wasn't terrifically friendly but I don't think she'd talk bad about me -- it is just she is too much under her parent's thumb for a woman her age. Too busy trying to be the Perfect One in her vaguely alcoholic family unit. But hey, what the fuck, at least I can see what's what and do what I need to do. Choir kind of unravelled by the end -- I am not the only one feeling frayed around the edges. We are practicing again Monday to fine tune the Christmas Eve music.

I have got to go to the PO today and mail that box. I got a GIANT box from Aunt J and 2 medium sized ones from my mother. I am somewhat embarrassed by the small box I am sending down, but can rest content in the knowledge I picked each gift thoughtfully and carefully. I do not buy into the materialistic fervor that is the essence of the holiday for far too many people. People whose souls are ruled by money and consumerism -- that is their God. But it isn't a God, it is a parasitic addiction like any other, feeding off of them.

And so anyway. More snow on the way. I am not thrilled. I did get suet to feed the birds tho, so I can hang the cage in the apple tree. I bashed open my thumb retrieving the cage from its place on the back porch tho.

Thursday 18 December

So, it snowed yesterday. About 3-4 inches. It wasn't bad walking home. I wore my good boots and changed into shoes at work. MR the sales rep came by late in the afternoon. He was all funny and charming and irreverent and flirty. That was nice, makes an old broad like me feel like a lovely woman. Plus he and I both enjoy making fun of L.

I baked last night and wrapped and packed the box to send to RH. The recipe says to bake for 25 minutes at 375, but I am thinking either 350 or 375 at 20 minutes. The top was almost too brown, almost burned. I was upset about that. And then I had the very hot dishes setting out to cool and Nick the little bastard jumped up and ate part of the top off! What is his problem. I was completely ready to do him seriously injury, if not outright kill him, wring his little neck and fling him out into the snow. Crow food. I had shut him in the cat room while I cooked, it was the only way to make the process tolerable. He yowls the whole time I cook and angers me so much.

We are supposed to get more snow tomorrow. I hope M and them driving from Boston are prudent about it all. Or that it isn't too bad. The rumor mongers are already saying, "2 feet!" Like Chicken Littles they are. I looked at the weather and could see it was too soon to determine accumulation. That was last night. This morning will tell another tale.

And tonight is choir, and the story is we are staying as long as we need to to learn the music. Which I hope isn't too late.

My fatigue has reached automatic pilot endurance level. Trudge on and don't think mode. I had moments yesterday when I felt the weight of it just pushing down on me. And there is nothing I can do but keep going. There's snow and that makes walking harder -- just keep going. I am not complaining. I am merely recording the truth.

I am interested in seeing what the coconut raspberry bars are looking like this morning, after having cooled and set. I need to cut them into squares and put them on a plate. Or something. I also cooked chicken thighs for the dogs last night, and it was getting late -- after 9 -- and the smell of the cooking made me feel a little bit sick. Such was my fatigue. I watched 30 Rock online while they cooked and then went to bed. I didn't even read. Lights out.

I want to watch The Office soon. These are last week's episodes -- their Christmas episodes. 30 Rock was okay. Seeing like part of the deal is letting one of the actresses sing. Kinda boring but oh well. There is always some good mocking humor tho.

Oh blah. I bore myself. Time for tea and the next thing. I have to do something with those thighs. Gross.

Wednesday 17 December

It snowed, it's snowing, and schools are probably closed. We played dog sled team -- they were both into it. I got a good workout and am quite warm now. It is actually soft and lovely and dim outside. I think it is either lightly snowing or freezing rain, couldn't see it, could only feel it.

The market had a big bag of dry food -- and I suspect they had one on Sunday too and lazy CW lied -- so I got one last night and lugged it home along with groceries in anticipation of today's snow. I got the ingredients for the raspberry coconut bars too and will make them tonight. I just need to get more butter -- the recipe takes 3 sticks! Or, whatever. I was going to say I could half the recipe but I got enough coconut for the whole thing.

I slept really well, soft and warm. I washed Fergus with vinegar before bed and he didn't itch and bite nearly so much, if at all. I have also been putting the vinegar on my winter itchy spots and it works quite well!

I still haven't mailed off the package of gifts to RH yet -- probably tomorrow. I didn't bring home the box to send them in yet, knowing there would be snow this morning and no way was I trudging over to the PO.

Last night was a quiet night and I enjoyed that. The world is all wintry pretty and I suppose if it has to be winter, I prefer it to be snowy rather than not. M will be in for a surprise on Friday when she comes back as I have observed Boston's weather is milder than here.

Maya went out this morning -- I wonder if she will stay out? It isn't tremendously cold, in the low 30s.

I got replies about the Advent candle lighting dog and pony show and no one appeared willing to compromise and simplify the event as I had asked them to so I told them I am out. Pretty simple. Works for me, and a relief besides. It's a beautiful ritual in and of itself, in its simplicity and need not be elaborated on except by needy egos needing to show they are special and stand out. I am not of that mindset and do not care to participate.

Anyway. Pearl the fish struggles on. She has trouble finding her food. My heart goes to her -- there isn't much of anything I can actually do for her besides keep an eye on her and keep her tank clean.

Work isn't too terribly busy and it is nice to have a somewhat relaxed pace. We work M-T next week and then I have the rest of that week and all of the following week off. It will be nice. Even if I get less pay, the time off is worth it in and of itself.

Not much else to say. It'll be a haul up and down the hill today in the snow, and especially in the dark on my way home. I had to walk in the road last night so as to avoid ice.

Tuesday 16 December

So yesterday it warmed up (to 50!) and rained and melted most of the snow and some of the ice away. This morning is crunchy and frozen again, but I could walk with a normal stride on the turf and cleared pavement areas and that felt great. The wind is quite cold. The dogs were frisky and happy and alert. It was very quiet outside and I saw so few cars -- when usually I do see some -- that I wondered if some catastrophe had happened out there in the world.

The storm just past was bad enough. People I spoke with on the phone at work yesterday, from all around the country, asked about it. Apparently it was big news. You never really know that when your power is out!

Anyway. I got energetic last night and cleaned the floor and then decorated the tree and set up the Nativity. It all looks very pretty and cheers my heart.

I want to make the raspberry coconut bars and get some candy to put in tins as gifts. I have 2 nice decorative holiday tins that were sent to us as samples at work, and I rescued them from the trash and brought them home. One of them will be CG's gift. I got a card from her yesterday and she signed her full name -- first and last -- as if she were some distant acquaintance. She is weird. And a real control freak, I am realizing, and she is kind of getting out of control. Big for her britches. I plan to do the old duck and cover as much as possible.

I sent them all an email re: the Advent candle lighting on Christmas Eve and I suspect the royalty was not pleased by my expressed opinion. CT is the only one who had replied yesterday and he was genial, reasonable, cooperative, funny, and kind. I am sure the other 2 are sharpening their knives. It isn't pretty. It really isn't. And it is so much like high school mentality, I want to run away and hide.

So I am thinking I will bake tomorrow night since choir is the next night, and M is home the day after that.

I should probably wash my hair this morning.

Work was fine, not too busy. I plodded along, as did they. L got in late, and he and J are sharing the car while there is snow and ice lurking. We got some great chocolates from one of our vendors that we all ate with satisfied glee, like children.

I still haven't renewed that library book that was due last Saturday when the power was out. I meant to call last night and completely forgot in my burst of holiday decorating energy. I realized I have it engraved in my brain that you MUST vacuum before you set up the tree. That comes from childhood. It's how you do it. Tho my tree sits already upon the table, a living, breathing tree, I still have to clean the floor before I can decorate it. I like doing it alone and I like the simplicity with which I decorate it.

Monday 15 December

It is warming slightly and while the world is still covered in snow and ice, it is as if it is softly exhaling moist breath, creating a soft atmosphere. Ice is beginning to fall from the trees. I could hear the constant clatter of it as I walked with the dogs. The world was serene and lovely, all pink and blue and gold, with the just past full moon high above. But Bella made me a little bit crazy, constantly gobbling ice as she was, as if it is a crunchy food. I suppose it is better than eating sticks.

Somehow I am beginning to feel overwhelmed and not quite able to cope. I think it is a residual feeling from the helpless exhaustion of the power outage -- I am still uncomfortable with darkness when I must navigate through it. Also it is icy outside, and so hard to walk. My boots are uncomfortable but reliable -- they keep me on my feet, and my feet are warm and dry in them. But they are cumbersome, as is all the clothing I wear to stay warm. I haven't decorated for the holiday yet but that is no big deal. Today I need to bring home the gifts I am getting at work, and get them wrapped and packed to ship. M comes home later this week and I would also like to bake those raspberry coconut bars before she comes. I feel like I have to spend more money than usual -- which is true -- and that unsettles me somewhat also. I also want to mail out the rest of the cards today, 'borrowing' stamps from work. The Robin Hood theory of borrowing. I have a ton of dishes to do and I never cleaned the floors. But I did get the tanks clean and Macchu seems better, while Pearl is still wobbly. She has eaten hardly any of her food I realized as I cleaned the tank. She has a hard time getting around and a hard time finding it. I guess I am beginning to feel beset by worries, crowding in on me.

And so back to work today, a bit of normalcy that will perhaps stabilize me. I made a big pot of soup yesterday, bean and vegetable, the beans and seasonings coming from the pantry, I think it will be really good with a bagel and cheese -- very hearty! I was unable to get any dry dog food at the market yesterday and so will have to haul it up the hill when I do finally buy it -- tho I asked CW to check to see if they had more and they didn't so I hope they will later this week! But I can't afford to worry about that now.

I washed Fergus with vinegar last night -- he's got some intense patches of the infection on his back. But he is still better overall. I need to get some dechlorinator for the fish tanks, more vitamins for the dogs, in case the Flea Treat run out in January when the manufacturer takes a month long break.

Sunday 14 December

The power came back on yesterday morning around 10, which was a great and wondrous thing. I had just used up all the hot water soaking my chilly, stiff body in the bath. What a relief to have the power come back on. I was very tired and very hungry. I kind of still am. I just got back from cleaning and I am beat. It has been intensely cold -- got up to around 10F yesterday and was in the single digits last night. It is supposed to warm up and rain. We shall see. The sun is shining today and it is still a glittering world of ice. My phone is dead this morning, and so my Internet is also out. Truly -- one damn thing after another.

I walked down to the market yesterday and was beat by the time I got back. It is icy and treacherous walking -- with it so cold, nothing melts or softens.

As it was yesterday, I spent a lot of the time cooking myself food and resting. It is exhausting to be in the cold and dark all that time. The worry makes it tiring too. Last night I found myself cringing inwardly at the encroaching dark, and turning on as many lights as I could.

This phone thing just annoys me, but does not surprise me what with all the ice on the wires and trees yet.

I was tempted to skip church as it is the children's Christmas pageant today, but I really could use a ride down to the market and back home again so that I can get some heavier stuff that I need.

I am looking forward to getting truly cleaned up today -- a radical change of clothing and to wash my hair. I have worn it braided and under a hat since last Friday and I don't even want to look at it!

I feel like I am on the verge of getting sick -- but won't. An uneasy stomach thing, and this heavy fatigue. I think really it is just an added level of exhaustion.

A couple of the fish are recovering slowly from the time of cold. Macchu and Pearl aren't bouncing back like the other 2 have. Macchu is older and has tumors on her side and Pearl is simply a wreck anyway. Little Joy and Picchu are fine. I will clean their tanks today -- that should help. I also would like to decorate for Christmas -- especially if the phone remains out and I can't go online. Which I am guessing will be the case all day, knowing how these things go --

One damn thing after another. It's a wonder I don't simply go out of my fucking mind.

I am eating my usual Sunday mandarin oranges, but I did not pilfer from the pantry, I actually bought these at the market yesterday. I got bean soup mix from the pantry today. :-)

Saturday 13 December

Still no power and it's quite cold, it cleared overnight and got very cold, low teens at least. I can see my breath here in the house. I covered my more tender house plants with towels last night and put extra blankets on the fish tanks. We were warm in my room, once the door is shut and we are all in there, we generate our own heat which is very nice. Mind you I wore 2 pairs of sleep pants, socks and 8 tops, including a very heavy sweater, and a hat. I had brought in 2 candles so that I could read for a bit and I wore mittens. But all in all I feel very, very tired and slightly discouraged. This is a sad endurance event. I called the power company and they aren't even taking calls -- technical difficulties, they said -- yeah, 200,000 irate customers breathing down your lousy necks. I yelled You suck! into the phone and thought I'd be better off saving my energy.

The kick in the ass is the ugly little development that borders my back yard has power. They had it last night when I went to bed around 6:30. I had called my mother so as to have someone to talk to. I had simply pulled my chair up to the window and was watching cars go by.

As it is, the dogs need normalcy and so I took them for our walk this morning and I must say it is beautiful out. The sun is up and the light is a soft and lovely gold tinged blue. The trees are, naturally, encased in ice and look magical. It is a uniquely beautiful day such as I see only rarely. It heartened me.

Tho my back doorknob was frozen when I first got up and that disheartened me. I thought I would never get it open but I kept exhaling warm breath on it and finally I was able to open the back door and let out Bella!

Maya just came back in. She was out maybe an hour. It is that sparklingly cold out.

Thankfully I still have some good books to read. I will call the library later and see if they have power and go over there if they do.

I felt great comfort and reassurance from the dogs' warm, affectionate presence, Fergus in particular.

I am right now eating crackers and peanut butter. I can't cook without electricity. I am grateful to have the crackers, grateful also I have food enough for the animals. I may venture down the hill at some point and see what's happening at the church and on Broad Street. If the church's power situation is like mine then who knows if I will be able to get in to clean or if we will have worship. It's so clod. Cold. And I feel tired from the cold and having less food to eat.

Friday 12 December : Full Moon

I didn't write early as I usually do. The power went out at 3:30am due to the ice and snow storm we had been having. It is still out now. I just took a walk with the dogs -- it is early afternoon, maybe 1pm -- and was awed by all the broken trees I saw, encased in ice, some of them merely bent over to a tremendous degree but not broken yet. Case in point is the willow in my back yard. Bent right over. And further off and beyond is the old grandmother willow -- she dropped 2 very large branches at least.

L called me because of course there is power in SS but finally even he had to acknowledge we really can't work today without heat, lights, phones, and computers.

I had gone to bed praying the power would stay on, but I awoke at one point early and realized the aquarium was no longer on and so that was that. I do well and truly -- I don't know what I was going to say. I just got off the phone with C-- she is heading over to PB's, because they have power. I am holding out the optimistic hope that we get ours back soon too. C had a terrible disaster at her house the last time this happened and I hope she doesn't have to endure that again. It nearly ruined her house.

I was all up for writing this when I first started but now I feel all dispirited again. The sun is managing to shine through this window now and then and that is nice. So I lose a day's pay. Oh well. I'd really like a nice cup of tea. I had also received child support money -- miracle! -- from FF yesterday and had planned to mail it to M but with the power out, my guess is the bank is closed and I don't even want to hike down there to find out otherwise. And so I am ending this one page short.

Thursday 11 December

It rained pretty much all day yesterday, and now it is colder, and icy, and snow is on the way. I am hoping choir will be cancelled. I am dangerously tired. I did not sleep well at all. I think the raw onions, scallions, and garlic in the salsa at Amigo's last night stoked a fire in my belly and sent the vapors to my brain and I did not rest well. Not at all. I hate that.

But dinner was fun, and my meal was good. I had a special chimichanga with spinach, cheese, portobellos and green sauce. I also had one of those organic oatmeal stouts brewed over in VT.

It did Fergus no good at all getting wet yesterday. He is extra itchy today and I must make a point of giving him a vinegar wash today -- this morning. Bella needs one too. I didn't even walk them last night. After I got home from work it was pretty much feed them all, get spruced up a bit, and back out the door to be there by 6. Thankfully J gave me a ride home. Leigh ended up not coming -- she was quite sick. She had come to work and I could clearly see she was quite sick. She says her mother made her go back to school. Who knows what is up with that family.

I called M from work just to make sure she's okay, after hearing her little girl self call out to me early in the morning. She's fine. Very busy.

I finally got back online when I got home from dinner. By then I was nearly out of my mind with fatigue but needed to leave a few messages with various people.

More Christmas cards are trickling in. PB made her own, and they are really nice. Quite cute, and funny, like she can so often be herself.

Work ticks along. We are keeping up with orders okay, and managing to keep up with the candle production list J gives me every day. Tho honestly, yesterday I walked in, feet wet from the rain -- and they stayed damp and chilly all day, very uncomfortable -- and thought how sick I was of making candles. About 10 minutes after arriving, I remembered I had left a hard boiled egg cooking on the stove and was very unhappy with the thought of walking home in the rain. But L arrived at just that moment and said he'd drive me up. So that was great. I ran in and all the water had boiled away and thankfully the egg hadn't exploded or burned yet.

It was a sloppy muddy mess yesterday because it warmed up so much with the rain. It was warmer outside than inside at work and when I arrived, the windows were all steamed up. And now today everything is fast frozen again and a snowstorm is on its way.

Fergus has begun to take no shit from cats and growls and snarls at them and I am glad he is.

Wednesday 10 December

I have no DSL. It was out when I got home last night, an outage over a wide area from Albany to Troy up through here, and was supposed to be back within 4 hours. No. Still off, as far as I can see. Tho I will call to check. If mine is out, then L's will be out at work, and that always makes him whine. He conducts a lot of business by email and we receive a lot of orders that way.

It is raining, quite hard at times, and the wind is strong. I did not enjoy our walk. Not one bit. I heard the rain throughout the night and dreaded our walk as I lay there. Other vague worries began to get in and then I thought I heard a young M, standing at the head of my bed, say, 'Mama.' I got up after that. Figured I just should.

So with no DSL, I should get all my morning chores well taken care of! Dishes, wash my hair, wash Bella with vinegar, which she truly hates.

A truck came with a delivery yesterday and as I was letting the driver out the front door, I noticed the mail and while I never usually get it, I felt prompted to get it, and to look at it, and lo and behold there was something there for me, a big blue envelope from the UK. "Royal Mail" in fact. It is a Christmas card from my friend MR and it cheered me greatly to see it. I have hung it up with my other cards (all 2 of them) I have already received this year. What a delightful surprise. And I can't even tell him because the DSL is down.

The weather is quite weird and extreme. It is supposed to get colder and snow most of tomorrow into Friday. That could mean no choir and that is fine with me. I am already exhausted and it is only Wednesday morning. I felt so stiff and old and cranky as the dogs and I walked this morning. Apparently L spent a good part of Sunday trying to get his Saab in my driveway started, but he couldn't. He even tried to remove the battery so as to replace it and the alarm went off. Apparently I was home as all this went on and I was clueless! He thinks it may need to be towed. He really needs to deal with it today if indeed snow is in the forecast for tomorrow.

Our work dinner is tonight and I hope the rain has let up by then. I have had quite enough of walking in it and I haven't even walked to work yet. I don't even want to drink tonight, I am so tired and I feel like it would only exhaust me further. But J will expect me to have a drink with her, unless she is driving. I know they have to drive Leigh home, if Leigh even shows up. She has been odder and moodier than usual and I think something is up with her.

Anyway, end of the line here.

Tuesday 9 December

Lightly, steadily snowing. I was surprised to see the snow when I first got up, but if the forecast holds, it is supposed to gradually warm and eventually turn to rain and that will be a cold, sloppy mess. We had a nice walk. It's quite dark, because of the heavy cloud cover. The road is slippery and some idiots still drive fast and slipped and slid. Unfortunately J planted the idea in my head yesterday that even on the sidewalk I am not completely safe from cars and I didn't give the idea much credence until this morning when I experienced the slippery road. Oh great. Another thing to worry about -- from now on I will keep my eyes on those cars and trucks speeding up and down the hill, even with the eyes in the back of my head.

It was so cold yesterday. It never got out of the teens. It was around 8F when the dogs and I walked last night but with the encroaching damp, the cold didn't bite the skin of my face quite so sharply.

Work is still busy. I keep bumbling along. I wore so many layers of clothes to work yesterday, and will probably wear nearly as many today. The damp is even worse down there by the river.

I dreamt again about the comfortable, comforting man. Reassuring, gently protective, kind. I was in his house, in a room with M. She was having a small crisis and I was simply with her. And then I left the room she was in and he was there and he led me to another room and told me he would be there if I needed him, and we kissed and parted, our hands touching as we walked further away in opposite directions, our arms reaching, stretching as our hands slid across each other down our fingers to our finger tips as we both turned and headed in our own different directions. He was small and dark and had messy curly hair and I think he was Jesus, come to me yet again in a dream, to touch me with his love, as he does come to me in dreams, ever and always reassuring me, and comforting me, and sharing the joy of his love with me. M is being cared for by him too, as I pray for daily, even tho she has not turned her heart to seek him. He is with us, and he has shown me where I can find him. We live in his house. I carry that reassuring warmth inside me through the day.

I am certain I will need to fill the bird feeder this morning. I am very much looking forward to another cup of tea. KC sent M some $ for Christmas so I am mailing that off to her today. I plan to write her an email too. I got a tuition bill from the college and at this point, we have a fairly sizable credit going into next semester, which is a very welcome thing to see.

I simply would like to get through the day and not feel tremendously exhausted at the end of it.

Monday 8 December

Bitter cold this morning. Back to the heavy parka, hood up and snapped shut, hat on underneath. Bella trotted so fast, she was eager to get back home and out of the cold. Fergus, of course, is in his element in this weather. He is fully alive, alert, and loving it.

I was nice and warm in bed with several blankets and a couple of cats to keep me toasty. Plus several layers of clothes.

Little Joy the fish isn't moving. I need to keep my eye on her to see if she lives! Fish.

Yesterday was a full day but not an exhausting day. I paced myself. Well, I think, and managed to get done all that needed to get done, except clean the floors. I had thought I'd do them this morning but I might have to wash Fergus with vinegar instead. I didn't get to him yesterday -- tho I did get Bella, her back is icky but improving -- and he was vigorously rolling and roaring this morning before we walked. It is much harder to clean both of them now that their fur is growing in so thick and lushly.

The concert was okay yesterday. A couple of people told us the orchestra drowns us out at times. We rehearse and no one seems to mention it then. It makes me wonder if anyone actually cares --

CT did an awesome job singing 'O Holy Night' in memory of his grandma. It is a hard one to sing and he built in strength and control over his voice as he went on. It was great. He seems exhausted. So much going on for him in the past week. I am seeing a whole new side of him, vulnerable and young. And I almost think BT is basking in being the only one for her son now, being able to tend his grief, and share it. These single women and their only sons -- there is something not quite right about that to me, when the bond isn't properly severed. I honestly would think CT is gay, but if he is, he isn't out and that's the end of that.

I saw several people I did not expect to see at the concert yesterday and that was a joyous surprise. They all told us we sounded so good for a group so small -- which is of course what you should say to any performer once the event is finished. You were marvelous --

because as GU said to me once, once it is finished, it was perfect.

Even when it wasn't. Oftentimes you are the only one who knows where the weak spots were. Just keep singing. Pretend it was supposed to be like that. That happened once when Mel and I sang a duet, solo on the verses, unison on the refrain. And I muffed my verse, but gently put my hand on hers to let her know I knew what I did and then switched to the correct verse for the last 2 lines (out of 4).

Sunday 7 December

A dusting of snow out there, and more gently falling -- not so much as you can see it, but rather feel it. It was dark when we first went to walk, dark with the thick clouds, and I had to keep reminding myself that it would be getting lighter, not darker.

When I got back from cleaning, I put more seed in the bird feeder. Those little ones really need the seed now that it is colder.

Thankfully the church wasn't too dirty and it looked like an effort had been made to clean the hall after all the activity in there on Friday.

I have made it a priority to get the fish tanks cleaned between church and concert, and if I can't get to the floors until tomorrow morning, well then. I was deeply tired yesterday, tired to the point of apathy and very much focused on my inner life rather than the outer one. I got some writing done, some reading done, some cleaning and cooking done. I cooked the turkey carcass into a thick rich fatty broth for the dogs, full of meat. So good for them. I may just stop buying them canned dog food and do something like this for them instead, and just keep a few cans on hand for when it was extra busy or whatever.

I did some laundry yesterday too. And really I have so much to do today, I can only approach it in increments, staying very much in the present moment, and letting the present carry me along like a great river.

I had sent an email to FF about him being so far behind on child support payments and he sent me back a detailed message about all his financial woes. I honestly felt true pity and compassion as I read it. He wasn't making it up. So I simply wrote him back to say M needs to understand a bit more clearly how it is for him because she is currently hurt and resentful about his non contribution financially to her life. It's pathetic really. A mess.

I am more interested in eating my pilfered mandarin oranges than in writing this. I felt tired and stiff as I pushed myself by force of will back up the hill after cleaning. My hips are stiff this morning with the damp. Now I understand why yesterday felt so cold -- snow on the way. Honestly people are already salting the shit out of the world out there and the snow is barely enough to cover the ground. It doesn't even cover the grass, only paved areas.

I slept pretty well, had an odd dream with scary ships in the sky, lights cutting through cloud, being lost and yet found, a young child running to me and clinging to me, all very odd.

Saturday 6 December

Very cold. Very frosty. The sunrise was an intense bright red amidst the deeper, dark blue. I saw it from my window when I got up, because today is Saturday and I was able to sleep in a bit. Which is a true blessing! I was bone tired last night. Yesterday was a very long day, at the end of a very long week. Work is busy yet, and hard. Lots to do. And yesterday I attended a funeral service at the church that was very sad. Very emotional. When I went back down to work, it was hard to shake off the funeral feeling. It draped me like a cloak. Then J asked me if she should throw salt at me. That's what they do in Japan to dispel the funeral feeling once it is over and you need to move on. Just her telling me that helped me feel better.

I plan to lay extremely low today because tomorrow will be busy. We have our concert in the afternoon.

When I was at the church yesterday, I was already aware of judgmental little sniping coming my way, particularly through CG to PB and then PB of course will open up her big mouth to me, and that's how I know that they think it's awful that M didn't call me to tell me she'd made it back to Boston safely. Nosy old biddies and they aren't even all that old -- but they are certainly in training for it! Telling me how her daughter would have never dared not call as soon as she walked through the door because P worries too much. Yes, it is all about P, all the time, and her daughter knows that -- and they have their daughter firmly under their thumbs so that she might never dare speak the words that she might actually like a life somewhere else besides here. But I know from traveling to Jamaica with her that she would love a life someplace other than here -- but unless she breaks out of the good daughter role, it'll never happen. They want her right here. They never think of what she might want. But do I tsk tsk and tell them what I think about how they raise her?

No. I don't.

The small minds that live here are tiresome and I skip around them like they are stones firmly embedded in the flowing river. And I will flow around them, and beyond them and live my life as I see fit -- not dictated by small town minds. Nuh uh.

I told L&J yesterday that I know if I lived someplace else -- an area with lots of intelligent, creative men, a city, perhaps -- I'd have a boyfriend. But that as long as I am stuck here, I won't. There is no man available here that is worth my time. I know who I am and what I know and I won't waste that on anymore fools.

Friday 5 December : First Quarter Moon

Got up a bit earlier, because I was awake and knew there was no point in even trying to sleep -- especially not with Inca dancing around my room like a demented fairy.

I have a funeral to attend this morning. When I told someone from church that I'd be there for the service, she snipped, That's nice of you. Apparently these people don't realize that I actually don't need them or their snippy crap and I don't subscribe to "Protestant Lifestyle' magazine. It's enough that I have to miss work -- I don't have the luxury, as they all do, of either getting paid time off or already having the day off or have a partner to share expenses or are retired. Besides the fact work is crazy busy and whenever one of us isn't there, it is all that much more difficult for the rest.

I find myself separating off more and more from these people as time goes on. Tho my heart goes out to BT and CT because it is a bittersweet loss for B and simply a sad one for C.

Mostly I think this morning -- what should I wear? To be appropriate for a funeral, and also be able to wear at my sloppy job? And what time should I march up there? Will it be crowded? Should I go half an hour early? All this nonsense that clutters up my mind.

Matthew is here. I much prefer his softly purring presence to any stinking human with their demands and their noise.

Tho I did have a fair amount of cat drama to deal with when I first went to bed. Topaz was already there, and I let in Inca when she scratched at the door. But then he started attacking her, in his paranoia, and so I threw him out, muttering to myself all the while that someday I will have only dogs. Only dogs!

But then, one good cat wouldn't be a bad thing.

At least it is Friday. I am tired. I carried heavy stuff home again last night. I had choir too. I didn't wash Fergus. I got in later and then walked them. Fergus had barked quite indignantly before I left for choir, because I hadn't walked him then. So I got back and walked them and had tea, and by then Fergus was quite settled into bed and I didn't want to drag him out to torture him with cider vinegar. As it was, Bella peed on the floor yesterday, and I wonder if it is because I have been washing her regularly mornings. She hates it. It stings. But she has a bad case of the yeast on her back, and who knows where else since she is always digging and scratching. This is never ending.

So I guess I need to just loosen up my hold on all the reins today and try to just coast on through. I only have me to depend on, and there is no point in me driving myself crazy. Plenty of other people are already lining up to do that for me today---

I need to fit in as much rest as I can because Sunday will be a very long day. There were arguments at choir about what to wear and where to stand and it was all utter horse shit and I stayed out of it, and there was BE in her sticky sweet fake voice piping up with questions and she never even usually shows up for the event. But I have to remind myself that it is holiday time and people do get all stressed out then! ho ho ho

Thursday 4 December

Dark this morning, with a line of intense red at the horizon. Rain today? There was a strong wind out of the west at times, and I felt a few sprinkles when we first went out. I was very warm by the end of our walk. We saw no one, not even crows.

I slept well. Dark and safe. Inca was with us again. I am tired, needless to say. I carried home groceries and a big bag of dog food yesterday. Charged up the hill. I don't know where I get my strength, precisely. There are moments in the day when I feel it all drain out of me. I felt overwhelmed and dizzy at times yesterday. We have big orders to get out, and the phone rings and people come in the store to endlessly browse -- and we scramble to get things done, and L wanders off. It sucks when that happens. I find I truly resent him then. We got a call he refused to take again, and it is from a business that says he owes them money, and so then they harangue me and I hate it. I really hate it.

I just had to go catch P, she was harassing Topaz again. I can't stand the hissing and the growling, especially first thing when I get up. Cat drama. It annoys me so much. I like a peaceful house. Which reminds me, I dug through the boxes of Christmas cards at Byron's yesterday and found a box I could buy. It says Peace on the front. It was the only one that wasn't tremendously ugly, amidst all the leftovers.

So we are really busy at work and L is focused on this house they are building instead of the work, and J gets in late cos she's doing who knows what and then she has to work so fast to get stuff done. And I have an upcoming funeral to attend, but I don't know which day yet, but it will be soon enough. CG told me it is on BT's birthday -- which day that is I am not sure, and as it is BT's mother's funeral, I find that an especially cruel twist and I told CG that. BT was treated so badly by her deceased mother that she has barely a shred of confidence and her health is terrible and to have the funeral on her birthday? Sometimes I really truly do wonder about the people around here, I really really do.

I feel the weight of a ton of stuff around here that needs to be done this morning -- dishes, fold laundry, and the last third of that turkey yet to deal with. Yes! That turkey! Still not put away. The weight is heavier because it is Thursday. Simply that. An accumulation.

It's funny because last night I was putting more of these journal pages on the blog and it was all about my feelings with M here, but the funny thing is, if funny is the right word, that my feelings have turned 360 degrees in the opposite direction and I am relieved she is back in Boston. Because she too is a weight I bear. And she costs money to feed. And when she is here for a month over the winter break, I am certain she will eventually be bored out of her mind and will slide back into sullen torpor. Since she doesn't drive, and we have no car, and nothing really goes on in this village, unless you go looking for it, and even then it is hardly anything at all.

So I have more groceries to cart home tonight, all the stuff I couldn't possibly carry yesterday. Choir tonight also -- the concert is Sunday and I have been away so much I don't even know what we are singing. As I recall tho, it is nothing difficult and my sight reading skills have improved greatly over the years. And so, on I trudge.

Wednesday 3 December

There was a cat perched on the railing of the front porch when we got back, so of course Fergus needed to get back outside as soon as he could and bark. It's chilly but pleasant. Clear sky and frosty. We start out these mornings with clear skies, but by late afternoon, it is cloudy, tho I was able to see the new crescent moon as I walked home last night.

I slept well but had a sad dream about leaving the dogs behind somewhere, to be boarded while I made a long journey. But I couldn't stand the thought of being separated from them and became so terribly sad and upset. I woke then, because Topaz was scratching to be let out, but then I amended the dream to me changing plans and going back to get the dogs. I know this dream was set off by the novel I am reading. It is called 'Loving Frank" and is based on the life of a woman who had a long time affair with Frank Lloyd Wright and left her young children behind so as to be with him. That is the one part of the story that is almost intolerable to me, her leaving her kids like that, to pursue her own selfish desires, using female emancipation and true love and passion as an excuse. Selfish parents never seem to realize how fundamental, crucial, and life-determining the parent-child bond is, and how their actions shape and affect their children's lives. Anyway, that is what set off the dream, for certain. Thankfully I have learned to re-work dreams that upset me, to take control of them instead of them controlling me.

Another day. My main comfort is that when I come home, I can simply BE HOME. It's tomorrow I have choir, have to rush back out, and put on as best a face I can for people, but mostly to sing. Which I do love. Losing myself in the music and becoming a pure instrument. My throat isn't great this time of year, and I have to go easy on my voice, as I can lose it quickly if I expect too much sound, too much volume, too soon. Like any part of the body, it needs to be conditioned and not over exerted. I don't really sing much at all throughout the week, tho goodness knows, I talk enough. Using the voice effectively is a wonderful and fun thing.

Anyway, I have some heavy stuff to buy at the market, so it will be a bit of a trudge home.

We have our work dinner one week from tonight. I noticed J wrote it as 'Party' on her calendar, but to me it is no party, it is simply a work dinner. Both work, and dinner. I think they are tending towards the Dovegate this year which is fine with me -- it just means no margarita! I think the Dovegate has that fixed price deal on Wednesdays, and I think they are aiming at that. Tho they haven't come right out and said it, since E at work is clamoring like a child to go to Amigo's. And then, I wonder if CW will back out entirely, tho L is very good at corralling errant employees and getting them to go to these dinners. They are never what I would call fun. And being on a Wed night this year, it is probably well I won't get a giant blue margarita. If it is the fixed price deal, that means one glass of wine. I don't mind tho -- I always appreciate someone buying dinner for me.

Since I got back to washing Fergus again, he isn't itching as much. Doing it every night seems sufficient. I did Bella yesterday morning and plan to get her cleaned every morning. The spots on her back are worse despite the fact her fur has grown in so lush and thick.

The village has a boil water alert again, through tomorrow. I am glad I have my filter system. But it reminds me it is probably time to purchase a new filter.

Tuesday 2 December

The sunrise was amber red, with faded denim blue clouds above. It's colder. The dogs were frisky and curious. I didn't see anyone. We walked along.

I was tremendously tired after work last night! Headache tired. Grouchy tired. Honestly. My back hurt. I told myself, Make some tea, get the last of the pumpkin dessert, your glasses, and your book and go sit on the couch. Which I did. With a blanket. To rest my back. It was good. Then I dozed. Then I went to bed and read some more.

I also cleaned Fergus with vinegar last night. I had missed 2 days. He had a big new spot on his back. I think doing him at night is better. Morning is too busy, too crazy. Tho I plan to take care of Bella this morning, brush her and treat her itchy places with the vinegar. I also need to get the rest of that turkey cut up and put away. I was going to last night but then -- just so tired!

Work is busy. Yesterday we got a huge order, a private label corporate gift. Nearly 500 candles. It was all in a scent I don't like too. But I survived. Stopped at Byron's on the way home to get some peanut butter and a new sponge. It was cloudy and dark as I walked home -- couldn't see the crescent moon, Venus, and Jupiter all lined up in the southern sky. I was disappointed. I would have liked to have seen that.

I made a small turkey sandwich on an english muffin yesterday and brought it to work and later realized L might get all weird about meat in his workplace -- he is so kosher without even realizing it, with all his prohibitions -- so I ate it before he got there, and it was delightful.

I really had no patience for whining customers yesterday but I managed to fake it quite grandly.

We got into a spirited conversation about people getting killed while shopping on Black Friday and I am still wondering if I offended J with something I said. She got extra nice to me after that and I am thinking maybe I did, but hopefully, she also realized I didn't mean it, but reading all this Japanese code can be tricky business sometimes.

I am simply trying to keep my head above water, keep doing what needs to be done and not succumbing to fearful and despairing thoughts.

It looks to be a sunny day today, the sky is clear, but that could change.

In my grumpiness last night, I was thinking how M can often be so snotty and mean about other people. I was thinking in particular about BD's offer to meet for lunch and how scathing and snobby she was when I told her. Sometimes I think she really isn't a very nice girl. I think she has the capacity but on first approach she can just be so off-putting.

Oh anyway. Inca slept with me last night. She was fine. I was in there thinking of her, and then there she was, scratching on the door. I don't know where Topaz was, I hadn't seen him in some time, and I do know Nick has been gorging on styrofoam during the day and then puking it all over the floor and I can't find his secret styrofoam stash. He acts so reckless and desperate at times, it is really unnerving, and annoying.

Not much else happening. I am just trying to fill these last few lines. I started putting this journal in a blog a month or so back and it is at moments like this that I wonder why I even bother. Boring drivel. The detritus of my mind.

Monday 1 December

It's December already. Thanksgiving came late this year, so suddenly, woom, now it's December and yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent. Good music from here on out. The concert is Sunday. I have decided to just get over myself and sing. People are counting on me. Only 2 of us can actually sing the alto part. So, there we are. I signed up to bring cheese and crackers.

I slept well and has a nice dream about purple skies and warm purple blue waters and a nice man beside me, a solid, strong, gentle, comforting presence. All so warm and reassuring and nice.

The bus station was mobbed when we got there, but after a certain point M just gathered herself up and strode right up to the door -- passing by the bovine throngs just standing -- and got one of the last seats on the bus. She was nervous and agitated most of the way down -- even when we stopped to eat which was something she had wanted to do. I had to urge her to get out of the house on time, and as it was, I had to wait in the driveway for a bit. And yet, at the bus station she hissed, We should have been here an hour early -- and who ordered a meal at Friendly's? And who took forever to get out of the house? -- But she got on the bus and all was as well as can be expected. The weather was dismal -- rainy in Albany, but snow and sleet up here. I was relieved it was just rain down there. The weather was tensing her up also. When we got to the station she said, The bus station here is so sketch! And I said, Well, it is Albany -- and it is dismal, plunked down at the bottom of the hill, hunkered over beneath expressway overpasses and taller buildings, and even more dismal under a deeply grey November sky, and rain. Cold rain.

She is such a complicated girl. She was happy and upbeat until yesterday. For whatever reasons. I had told her that BD, a student at Boston Univ, had asked me after church to tell her if she'd ever like to meet for lunch, she should contact him. I think he would have asked her himself had he seen her. And she was all -- I haven't talked to him in years! And, How weird! Honestly sometimes she just isn't a very nice person. But she was all odd yesterday, and spent an endless amount of time in the bathroom. I reminded her that BD is quite ill -- and no one has yet determined what is wrong with him -- and that it was a nice gesture on his part. She can be so scathing, and catty and hard to understand.

And now that she is gone again, I am fine, back in my solitary space, back in my usual routine. This transitional time is very tricky -- she's gone, she's here, she's gone again -- she is more than a house guest and yet doesn't quite live here but always has a home here and I guess I will just continue to flow with it and stop thinking dramatic thoughts. Getting myself back out there for the holidays will be good for me. I know my routine is good for me even when it wears me down. It's my life. It's what I have. I don't know what else to say.

It is still grey and wet and dismal, tho no rain is falling for now. I took some of the turkey apart last evening and began separating out what is for me and what is for the dogs. I was thinking I can also boil down the carcass as broth for them. All very good, good for them, and saves me money. And, of course, they love it --

I am simply going to try not to give in to worrisome thoughts. Let's see how well I do --

I don't know what else to say, here with 5 lines left. I didn't walk the dogs last evening, it was too yuck out, and they didn't appear to mind. When they went out after supper, they came back in and Fergus went to bed.

Sunday 30 November

Frosty and grey. I am not wearing my heavy parka anymore, but I could feel the cold on my face this morning. It felt good. If I am warm, the cold feels good and I like to breathe it in.

Just cleaned the church. It wasn't too bad. Got some bagels and english muffins too -- I like having first shot at the bread. Got some mandarin oranges too. Those tiny perks make the job not so bad, that and knowing it is early and quiet and no one will come in. I think this is the latest in the year that I have continued cleaning early Sunday rather than Saturday.

M goes back today. But I keep reminding myself she will be back in a little less than 3 weeks.

I did some cleaning while she was out yesterday, floors, Pearl's tank, and cooked the turkey. Later today I plan to separate the bird into meat for the dogs, meat for me, meat to freeze. And get that out of the way. It currently takes up a lot of space in the fridge.

I watched 30 Rock and The Office while I ate my supper last night, and had a few good laughs. Steve Martin was on 30 Rock. It was a better episode than some of them have been lately. I also finished reading 'To Kill A Mockingbird'. That is a great book. I got 4 more at the library yesterday. Saw my neighbor and she told me all about her little dachshunds. One that she had sold ended up at the animal shelter, and made his way back to her. She has him now, and his sister, and the parents. She wants to find a home for him. Fergus would say, "Yum. Lunch."

The rescue squad went over to a house on Chestnut Street yesterday. I wasn't aware of it, but my neighbors sure were. They were out there nosing when I took the dogs out. Someone got carted away in the ambulance, but of course I don't know who.

I still haven't gotten a jump for L's car. I really didn't know of anyone who could do it this weekend. I honestly think if he wants the car back so much, he should get a jump for it, but of course he sees it the opposite way. This is another reason why I don't have a car. They always need some kind of mechanical assistance like this. Always cost money or need a man to come deal with it. I really couldn't be bothered. I hate cars. I only borrowed it to take M to her graduation.

I guess we're going to stop at Friendly's on the way down to Albany. I don't know that I am up for ice cream, but I will probably have a cup of decaf coffee.

I signed up to bring cheese and crackers for the Christmas Concert, the food we offer our 'guests' afterwards.

Today is the first Sunday in Advent. Already! The season is upon us. I was thinking I have no Christmas cards to send this year. Byron is just selling the ones he has left over from last year. I don't know where I can get some. The ones in L&J's store are expensive even tho she has marked them half off. Still expensive!

Anyway here I sit. Scribbling. Trying to fill these last few lines. Bella scratches and walks away. Fergus licks and bites. I didn't wash him with vinegar yesterday. Bella is back, lies down beside me with a soft grunt. The furnace just shut off. The fish tanks gurgle. I hear nothing else. It's quiet outside. I should check the bird feeder.

Saturday 29 November

It's colder, but nice. Fine flakes of snow are falling, but so lightly you could almost miss them. I finally took that silk flower arrangement that had blown out into the field and put it on a grave. VY who walks in the morning saw me, but she is such a gentle seeming soul, I doubt she thought badly if it, if she thought much of it at all. Laying flowers on a grave in a cemetery is hardly a bizarre or questionable action.

And now it is Saturday. Grey and dim. I plan to go over to the library. I have finished all the books but one, and I am in the middle of that one (To Kill A Mockingbird). M would like me to read a Goethe text she brought along. so I will endeavor to do that today. She is going with FF. So I also plan to cook that turkey J gave me from the pantry. And to vacuum and clean Pearl's tank. I cleaned the other 2 yesterday but didn't do Pearl's because she hadn't eaten her food yet. She finally ate it by last night. She certainly does not have the same cheerful spirit in infirmity that Joy does, or Homer did.

Having M home leaves me feeling as if something has clicked back into place in my life and suddenly I know what I should be doing. And then when she leaves again, there will be that great big empty space, and me persistently and tenaciously stepping around it, trying to forget it is there. But someday I have to confront it and address it because I think it somehow sucks the life out of me.

The phone is fixed. The guy came yesterday and ran a new line outside the house and now it is all good and should stay good. It's that same guy who came before and also came at work. He's very nice.

I don't know what to say. I sit here blank, looking at plants. I turned the Rex begonia around so that it will grow in a more balanced way. It is all to one side and I noticed there were new leaves emerging deep in the back. So I cut off the old damaged leaves that were on it when I bought it and turned it so the back faces the window.

I went out to do errands yesterday and as I dressed to go down, I thought what a dotty old bird I must look to M who is so sleek and appearance conscious (on Thanksgiving, she actually gave me the once over when she saw what I was wearing to dinner -- mentally comparing us -- finding herself overdressed, to her mind, but she didn't change her clothes, I kept telling her she looked great, and offered to dress myself up a bit more -- but that was certainly a first to be so frankly assessed by her like that) -- and I felt self-conscious for a moment, but mostly all I did was take off my winter hat. I didn't need it anyway and it did give me that final crazy lady look.

Oh my goodness, I hope I am not hopelessly lost.

The fridge has so much food in it, it is amazing. The pumpkin dessert we made, and that turkey, and all the other food I bought to have while M is here, clementines and brownies and whatnot. I cooked carrots the way she likes them last night -- baked in honey, butter, and ginger -- and we had burritos too. It was good.

Tomorrow she heads back. I need to be in touch with C to decide what time we are leaving, I think stopping for ice cream is still in the plan.

Friday 28 November

We walked through occasional strong squalls, the wind out of the south. Kinda crazy. We saw no one except this older lady with a big dog that made Fergus -- and consequently Bella -- crazy, so I asked her please, could she just let us get by. She was one of those dog people that seem to think we were all going to meet up in a big happy group. Not.

Speaking, of dogs, I met N&L's new dog yesterday. He is not overly friendly but very sleek and handsome. The other dog, a year older, was his usual bright, alert, friendly self. We had a nice dinner at J's -- if a bit dispirited, all of our energies feeling tamped down by fatigue of one sort or another. But it was all fine, and companionable. We all knew each other well enough to feel comfortable even when the energy isn't all sparkly. It was fine. Tho I must say that after we got home and later when I went out to walk with the dogs, the world seemed gloomy and I felt on the knife edge of despair and found myself eager to get back to the light and warmth of the house.

It is still quite grey today but odd, and blustery, leading me to wonder if change is blowing in.

I plan to walk down to the bank and to the market, and to stop by work quickly to 'borrow' a stamp to mail my phone bill -- tho my phone is still not working and I have unplugged it so it won't disrupt the DSL connection anymore.

I slept in until 7 and it was delightful.

Now I see the briefest gleam of sun in the east, I wonder what this day will resolve itself into.

I also would like to get the fish tanks cleaned today. I didn't get to it last Sunday, what with all the cleaning I did to get the house fairly acceptable-- to me -- for M coming home. She will be back again in roughly 3 weeks for her winter break -- a month long break. She seems in very good spirits. College is good for her. She is spending tomorrow with FF.

It is so nice to have these 4 days off. I think I will cook a pot of beans today for burritos. J gave me a leftover donated turkey and I will cook that tomorrow when M isn't here. It's a turkey, of course -- albeit a small one -- it will still last me and the dogs some time and I am sure I will probably freeze parts of it.

I am nearly out of tea again -- I certainly go through 100 tea bags very quickly. Tho I always have loose tea of one sort or another but that is special and I drink it less frequently so that it will last longer. M has been enjoying the loose blood orange tea that J had given me at one point. I should offer her some of that very fine jasmine that I also have. She might like that too. Tho she has been quite happy with the blood orange tea.

I wonder what she will do this summer -- if she will be content to merely exist inside this very quiet life here, a life that has such clear limitations, or if her energy -- or boredom -- will goad her, propel her on into something active and interesting. I hope the latter, I truly do. She has already grown a lot, being at school, we shall see how much more she grows as the year progresses. Her appetite is much improved and she does look a bit filled out, which is also a great thing.

Anyway, I have finally made it to the last lines of these 3 pages and am free to move on!

Thursday 27 November : Thanksgiving, New Moon

The rain didn't melt all the snow up on Willard, which I was kind of happy to see since their ski season starts next week. It's chilly out but not too cold. It has been damp. I walked the dogs in a slightly fierce drizzle last evening. I was able to come home from work at 4, which was great since M got home at about the same time I did, and we did some cooking. We made the pumpkin dessert and then I made rice and beans. I need to cook cranberries when I finish this. The animals are all slightly disrupted with having M home -- the routine has shifted. Nick has been especially bad, acting out and tearing into stuff, and Bella got an upset stomach overnight. Oh anyway, all this drama, I get so sick of it all sometimes. It is great having M home, she has already changed and matured so much, in ways that show me her college experience is very good for her. She is in the right place, and she knows it, especially as she catches up with friends from high school who are actively dissatisfied with their situations. I think she is realizing how fortunate she is. She has clear and definite plans and seems to have a clearer vision of the way ahead.

I am looking forward to eating the pumpkin dessert. It needed to set and cool so I couldn't have any last night. M's allergies have come slamming back being here, and she is suddenly quite congested but had the good sense to get a good decongestant antihistamine and is using her inhalers. All I really mean to say is she has lost her sense of taste but hopes to get it back as her antihistamine kicks in.

I have my period for the second time this month which is really unnecessary and annoying.

It sure is nice to have the prospect of 4 days off ahead of me.

There have been lots of geese in the area the past couple of weeks, flying high mostly, but lots of them, in the midst of their migrations.

I didn't sleep as well as I would have liked last night since I had to get up and investigate a loud crash in the kitchen -- Nick, no doubt, and then Topaz got restless and I let him out, and then later Inca. I was hoping to sleep in until 7 but that didn't happen.

Work was busy for a bit, but once J got all the orders packed she planned to ship, she left and told me I could too. I had mentioned earlier that I had hoped to leave early but then I saw what an extensive list of candles I had to do. The phones weren't too busy and L wandered around a lot. Near the end of the day he got a call he didn't want to deal with and J said Just take the call, Louis and he said I'm tired, and I snapped, We are ALL tired, and handed him the phone. Fun to double-team him like that. Our little contests of wills at work make for good sport sometimes. Silly. But my mind seeks entertainment whenever it can, it isn't as if the production work is mentally stimulating. J told me a long story about a Japanese man living in an airport in Mexico and suggested that was how I could live in Jamaica -- live in the airport there, and then she and I sketched out the necessities and details of doing just that, and came up with a plan that sounds somewhat credible to me. It gave me hope -- maybe I can live in Jamaica someday. And with enough sun, and dirt, and my grey hair let go into dreads, I might even blend in.

Wednesday 26 November

M is home. She got in late. They ended up sending 4 buses from Boston on that particular run. 4! So she was a little over a half hour late, but it was all fine, it all worked out. I ended up going down with the dV's. J wanted to go to the hospital to see E before she passes away -- it is a matter of days, apparently -- so we dropped her there, and then went on down to the bus. We had stayed at choir for about half an hour.

M was funny as we got further north and close to home -- it's so dark out there! as she looked into the small wilderness that is the battlefield. And then once home -- it is much colder here! I didn't pack for this! She's been away, what? 3 months? But, no matter. I dug out some warm tops for her to wear.

I still hope to get home earlier today, but I am not sure if that will happen.

It is cold, and crisp this morning. We had rain all day yesterday. It was fairly miserable. Thankfully it was done by the time I walked home from work. I had a panic once I got home because M kept calling and I can't answer because the phone is still not fixed. She called over and over, and I worried what was up and did she miss the bus. Finally I ran next door and borrowed their phone. Got her voice mail and left her J's number. Then I got an email from FF saying she'd asked him to tell me her bus was going to be late.

Easy to see why the bus station was packed with people, mostly young and mostly not white. I had forgotten how big Albany is. My eyes were slightly dazzled by it as we drove down there. I really do need to get out more.

I felt ill at times yesterday. I would become overwhelmed by a scent or a smell and feel nauseous. That new candle L likes so much truly does make me feel sick. I had to move it when I was in the store. That started me off. And then someone came in and he smelled bad and it lingered in the air. I have become so acutely aware of smells. Imagine being a dog. Unfortunately so many of these smells leave me feeling uneasy or ill. It's too much. I feel like a kid again sometimes -- with inadequate filters and barriers.

I completely forgot what I was going to say next. I want to cook some stuff tonight -- make those carrots M likes and rice and beans, that pumpkin dessert, and cranberries for tomorrow. It sounds like a lot but it really isn't, because they are mostly all simple things to prepare.

I was so tired last night in the bus station but then I could also see on the way home how tired J and D were too. I get all these pains when I am so tired, back, head, throat. I was intensely thirsty. We had gone to choir before going down. Sang for half an hour. It's a pretty song for Sunday, incorporating O Come Emmanuel, which I love. D said we are singing the hymn version of that too. I love the music at holiday times. I will not miss any church through the season and am still torn about the concert. Of course all my choir friends want me there, and of course J feels justified and honored by my unwillingness to be there. It's all very complicated. Gestures mean so much.

Anyway, this is getting complex to my tired head. I got to bed at nearly midnight. I will take it slow today and try not to drive myself crazy.

Tuesday 25 November

We had a chilly, wet walk. At least we did not get the snow and slush that was also predicted is all I can say. The valley is intensely beautiful in a way I would never imagine shades of grey, white, and black to be.

So it's Tuesday. M comes back tonight. It will be a long day but I think it will be a good day.

Work is still busy but manageable. The prospect of Thur-Fri off lightens my heart considerably.

I slept so comfortably, warmly wrapped in soft blankets and all my layers of clothing in the gentle dark.

I don't know what to say. P sits hunkered down right before me. I hear the hum of the furnace and fish tanks gurgling. I am hungry. It will be a dark day, with rain forecast all day. Rain and 40 degrees -- true November as I know it. The dogs are wet, naturally, but thankfully the candle is putting out stronger scent than they are. I have been endeavoring to avoid scent as much as possible and my throat is not sore. I keep my face away when I repair candles at work so as to not get a face-full of scent. I am not burning as many candles here as I usually do, and I haven't lit any incense in my room in several days, but with the damp, I may have to anyway.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving dinner, and to M simply being home. My phone is not repaired yet even tho the phone company says it is. I found out there are other people here in the village who also have extreme static on the line like I do. It makes me consider getting a cell phone, something I said I'd never do! But it's be kind of cool to have a personal communication device like that -- right out of Star Trek. But, I probably won't do that. I notice whatever it is that is up with the phone disrupts the DSL connection also. All I really know is, I don't want that phone guy in my house and I am not answering the door if he comes. Like I said, I tested it outside and it is outside where the problem is.

So, whatever!

I honestly didn't enjoy our walk. I didn't want to get wet and my boots were clumpy and uncomfortable. So I wasn't able to fully appreciate the soft, misty freshness. Mostly I was annoyed, in a state of annoyance. I am tired too. I get tired of being tired. It makes me wonder if something is wrong with me. Tho I don't think there is. I think I am simply a highly sensitive person and the world tears at me, grates one me, and pulls at me. Rarely giving me anything back. The world is too noisy and too full of hardship, darkness, and pain.

I told L&J yesterday about the disagreement I am having with people over the Christmas Concert and that I probably won't sing. J had brought it up first, because she saw the sign out at the church.

Right now, here in this corner, these plants provide me with a deep sense of peace when I sit and simply look at them. Truly look at them. What a blessing and a miracle they are.

I hinted to M that if she found a warm winter coat she wants that I'd buy it for her. I understand that she is in the city and does not want to schlump around in her ski parka. I want her to be warm and would buy her a good coat if she found one she wanted.

I realized the bus from Boston gets to Albany in less than 4 hours. That's a smooth shot, very nice, the best you can do besides flying. I wonder how much it costs to fly? It cost her $76 round trip on the bus.

Monday 24 November

I didn't write yesterday. I wasn't feeling well. I was queasy and my throat was sore, and by the time I got back from cleaning the church, I was in full blah mode. Full yuck. Not great. I finally decided to forgo church -- both worship services. I had so much to do at home as it was, and 2 church services was too much. D had cajoled me back by saying that if I didn't sing in the afternoon she'd ask VC to sing alto with her -- but then I saw the music and it is in all in unison. So, even tho she said she didn't want to sing the part all by herself -- she wouldn't be! So I let myself off that hook. I called CG and told her I didn't feel good and wouldn't be there and then I went and soaked in a hot bath, where it came to me, clear as sunshine, that God is Love and God wants me to be well more than God wants me to put in an appearance for social reasons. That's the part about church that rubs me the wrong way -- the whole social aspect, the human institution aspect. I simply want to worship, to pray and sing and praise God. I don't want to have to play the social game which includes first and foremost pulling myself together so as to be able to face those people, not to mention to sit up in the front of them where they all can see me. And then there is enduring the snubs and judgmental looks I get from some of the women there -- who the fuck needs that -- and also enduring people's big mouths and bad behavior and need to be the center of attention, namely PH who is back from FL in all her queenly imperiousness and hauteur. Enough. The other thing that rankles me is how they put on the program 'The Old Saratoga Chancel Choir under the Direction of...' as if we were good, as if we are worth listening to, as if the pianist were competent instead of fumble fingered and everyone in the damn choir can read music and actually sing the parts. No. It's all too much. And I opted out and gave myself a break and more needed rest and today I am no longer queasy and my throat is only a tiny bit sore and I don't feel like I am bearing the weight of a lead-lined blanket as I move through my day. None of those people -- none of them -- have raised a child alone and supported a household alone. Even the few, very few, single mothers there have family nearby or live with their family. The ones who judge me most are the ones who have always had husbands to help shoulder the burden of house and child. I like to think it is their own inadequacy and insecurity that makes them treat me so rudely. And what do I do that is so offensive? Fuck if I know, but it is a fact I keep my distance and I keep to myself. I am sensitive and intuitive enough to know what people are like toxic waste giving off odious vibrations and stay away from them.

Anyway what a rant for a Monday morning. This will be a different kind of week. I am thinking if it isn't too busy Wednesday to leave work early -- 3 or so. If it's possible. So I can be home and do some cooking and be with M and not come trudging in late and in the dark. Tuesday will be a long enough day as it is.

My phone isn't working right again. There is loud static on the line and sometimes it cuts out completely. I went outside the house and tested the phone on the so called network interface and the phone works. It is a problem with the lines. I hope the phone guy doesn't show up at my door at 8 like he did last time.

Saturday 22 November

It's cold. I did not unsnap my heavy parka today. Hat, and warm mittens. The dogs were frisky and vibrantly alive in the cold. We saw no one but crows, and not too many of them.

I was bone tired yesterday. I kept up the pace at work, but it was a measured, heavy pace, fully informed by deep fatigue. Late in the afternoon, J broke out some Vosges chocolate from the shop. I had to guess which kind it was. I got it on the first bite -- matcha. The chocolate is unevenly mixed, we have decided, the added flavors are not balanced throughout. She didn't taste the matcha until her second piece -- and neither did L. I simply got lucky on my first bite. But that chocolate revived me nicely and brightened me up a bit. It had felt like a very long day. We got all that we needed done, however, and that was the important thing. And next week is a short week -- 3 days -- with Thanksgiving. We go get M Tuesday night. That will be a long day. I have to clean up a bit here, to get her sleeping arrangements ready, and I'd like to get the bathroom cleaned up too.

I had to shut P in her monster box overnight. She went on a cold hearted rampage against any cat that looked in her eyes. And where usually if I call out 'Pee-duh-lee' in a high happy voice, she will come to me -- not so last night. PJ the vet said, Oh, yes, she will learn if you put her in the carrier when she gets like that. And last night I saw just what it was she learned: she learned not to come when I call her when she attacks the other cats, or she will be shut in the box. I had to employ wily coyote maneuvers to catch her and she was cozy in the monster box all night long.

Not that the other ones weren't monsters themselves. I heard all kinds of thumping and noise all night long. Because even tho I was so tired, and even took a hot bath to relax my weary muscles, I still did not sleep well. I had cat nonsense for one thing. Matthew wanting out, Topaz running in, me throwing him out, and Inca all night long with her intermittent periods of gentle restlessness.

So what anyway. I am walking down to the market today to load up on some necessary stuff. I am cooking a venison stew today with the last of the meat D&B gave me. It is, appropriately enough, stew meat. I plan to cook it with onions, brown and wild rice, and spinach. Oh, celery too. I have not yet decided if I will use chopped or leaf spinach. It should be very good.

And I am still hoping to continue to clean the church early Sundays, as it has been very dry weather, and so the floors should not be so bad. Once we have snow and ice and wet, and all the muck tracked in by that, especially salt, I will have to surrender my Saturday afternoon and do it then, because all that mopping takes a long time. But as long as it is still light early, and dry as it has been, early Sunday it is.

M called me at work yesterday afternoon, trying to decide if she should buy an additional suitcase. We decided she should, since the price and size were right.

I put out the bird seed yesterday morning. As I was doing it, Maya came along, demanding my attention, and when she didn't get it to her satisfaction, she climbed up the front of me, all the way up to my chin. It was alarming to be climbed like a tree like that. As it was I was having trouble getting the seed out of the bag, and in my frustration, I also did not need to be climbed by a cat.

Friday 21 November

Definitely colder this morning. I can only guess how much. Unlike yesterday, I did not unsnap my jacket by the time we got to the cathedral of spruces. I wore warmer gloves too. It felt fresh and crisp and not all that bad once we got going. I saw fresh deer tracks in the turf, and the dogs were all frisky and eager to sniff at apparently everything.

But I am tired, worn down to a nub as the week will wear me down. I never got to wash Fergus yesterday. I had planned to after work since I ran out of time before work, but by the time I got home from choir, and then walked them -- and it was freezing, I even wore my scarf and gloves during choir -- Fergus went right to his bed. So I wasn't about to rouse him up to torment him with a cool vinegar wash. Hopefully this morning I can get my shit together enough to wash him.

Anyway. I slept well, like a heavy stone falling smoothly into dark waters. When Matthew wanted out around 5am, I was surprised it was that time already. And then I pretty much fell right back to sleep until 6. I made myself look at the clock, and it was a good thing I did, as I was in an obvious state of disbelief about the time!

I carried home groceries and a big bag of dog food yesterday, then quick got right to stuff once I was home so that I would be ready to go to choir. I made eggs with onions, celery, potatoes, and cheese for supper, that thing I do that is kind of like a fritatta except it isn't broiled at the end to brown the top. I had it with some sourdough bread and was going to have kraut too, but that was afterwards and the kitchen felt so congested with frickin furry little monsters, it wasn't worth the effort. That and the sink is overflowing with dirty dishes--------

C told me we have choir on Tuesday next week because of the holiday, and so she and I will have to leave early to get down to the bus in Albany. She suggested we stop for ice cream on the way back! She said M might be hungry -- she's great, C is, she thinks of everything. As of now, I have made no arrangements for getting back to the bus on Sunday. And as of last night, I had no idea they had planned choir for Tuesday.

I really am starting to OD on fragrances at work and am doing my best to avoid them, which is a tricky task in a place saturated with scent. I was in the store at one point and the new candle he was trying out in there was fairly well making me sick. It is one that he loves -- Vintage Gardenia, he is calling it -- but my nose is so overwhelmed, it just smells like hot wax to me, and leaves me queasy. There is another he is trying out in the bathroom and that one doesn't bother me -- it's actually one I encouraged him to try and he likes it very much, so there's that. We are trying to think of a name for it.

I think my little birds need seed in the feeder again! I keep forgetting to do it, and really should get to it, these nights have been so cold, and even the days haven't gotten much past 30.

I came home from choir and after all the stuff I had to do, I went to bed and read for a bit. Matthew was already tucked in under the blankets, already in the spot I usually move him to, so that was all good. But I had to throw out Topaz and tell Inca no. I was too tired to deal with cat drama last night.