It's warmer. Getting on up closer to 30, I'd guess. The snow is softer in places. I believe we have some kind of winter precipitation on the way again -- oh boy! -- and I saw that Wed is supposed to warm up to 40. Lotsa dripping going on that day.
Fergus was outside much of the day yesterday, and he was barking a lot. At cats. At whatever. And by the time I went to bed last night, he was sacked out, sound asleep. I don't know that I have ever seen him sleep so deeply. My puppy.
I had a wonderfully restful day yesterday. I had time enough to take care of me and to do some cleaning around here. It was delightful. Truly. I finished one great novel, and started another. It was a good day. I had a good hot bath too. Watched some past episodes of Doctor Who and The Office.
Oh boy. These pages promise to be endless since I have not yet even finished this first one.
So. Back at work. L&J will be back. I hope they are kind to me about my glasses. I know how ruthless they are about matters of 'style'. Hopefully they will be kind. How like a school kid I feel -- gotta go back in my new glasses. Will people laugh at me? It's sadly true.
I cleaned up the corner where Ziggy's ashes are, and I cleaned and re-arranged the shelf where all the fetishes are. I found 4 more bears -- really pretty ones -- I hadn't put out. 3 of them are a family in azurite. Intensely beautiful. Mama, Papa, Baby. I probably didn't put them out in the past because of the association. But I am over all that now.
I slept very comfortably, and Inca joined us and she wasn't annoying. Unlike the night before, when she went back out. I did not let in Topaz tho he threw himself at the door in his longing to be in. Sometimes enough is enough and that was enough.
Got the tanks cleaned, and the floor cleaned, beans cooked, and more laundry done.
I am adjusting to using my glasses while on the computer -- better for some things than others. For videos, they are great. So clear.
I watered some plants too, but not all of them, I need to water more. There is a sink full of dishes awaiting my attention -- either this morning or when I get home. I presumably have a paycheck at the church to pick up also, and in my cleaning yesterday I found a book I meant to lend JdV. I put it with a candle I mean to give her.
I wish I could bestow such gifts on C for all she does to help me, but she doesn't like scents and her tastes and mine in reading are not the same. I tried to explain to her the wonder of that old Dutch painting -- the aerial view of Amsterdam, done in the mid 1600's, with cloud shadows no less -- and she did not appreciate it at all. Her mind does not seem to rise above the earth, save only to see God. Probably why she gets on so well with the B's -- she is much like them, except less crude.
The sky is deeply grey. Work will be busy-ish with L&J back, tho on their first day back they are hardly back. I dreamt about work actually, the repetition of the tasks, in their varying patterns. It was not an unpleasant dream.
It is nice to sleep so comfortably. I also didn't think the dogs are itching at themselves quite so much. Perhaps we are seeing an improvement. I too have started to drink the cider vinegar in water -- first thing, daily -- to help my digestive issues.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday 1 February
It's cold and cloudy. Damp. We had a good walk. I didn't wear my glasses out for that, because with the way the lenses are, and with me not being used to them yet, seeing where the ground is can be tricky -- not seeing so much as judging -- and it is tricky enough staying on my feet in this uneven, slippery terrain with 2 dogs pulling at me. Sometimes it's better the devil you know --
But the glasses are phenomenal. The clarity and detail I can see -- all the way to the horizon! The trick is they are progressive lenses, which means the closer in vision stuff is at the bottom of my lens, and I am getting the hang of tilting my head the right way so as to accommodate all that. I think with the astigmatism in my right eye, to correct that, the lenses make things concave to me and so I can see that when I first put them on and also when I am at the computer. That accounts for the strangeness with the ground too -- it looks closer than it actually is. And so when I walk outside, I actually feel shorter because the road looks closer! I suppose once I have fully adjusted to the glasses, I won't notice that anymore.
So we went to Petsmart too and then C wanted to go to Barnes & Noble, so I ran into Rite Aid and then met her at the book store. At both of my stops, the cashier had problems with the register and had to call a manager to fix it. Both times! So when C went to pay at B&N, I said I'd stay away so as not to jinx her.
I don't think I'll go to church today. Staying in feels great. I really do plan to vacuum this week -- since I no longer have the flu! And have energy again! Also get laundry done, fish tanks, and some other odd cleaning. The glasses allow me to see just how dirty it is in here!
Oh well, anyway.
So it is Feb 1 and I gave the dogs their Heartguard and changed the calendars. Very exciting.
And now here I am at that stuck place -- what to say next. The dogs are barking. Fergus started it -- he's out back, and Bella joined in -- she's on the couch. Topaz has been hunkered down right here beside me, he just licked my hand. I hear a blue jay calling outside. The feeder was all tipsy when I filled it yesterday afternoon -- I wondered if a squirrel had done that? No bird would, I don't think.
My cousin out west had her baby last Friday. Early. She had a boy. The second great-grandchild, after M. I doubt my boy cousins will have kids. My uncle was of course all rattled by things not going according to plan. That always rocks his world. He's over 70. You'd think he'd have learned by now. But no. Not him and not his wife either. They emailed a photo, and I can see just the smallest corner of my cousin's smile -- she has a shy smile, almost tentative, but truly meant. I don't know her at all.
M sent an email wanting to see me in my glasses. I had already told her I am not pretty in them. Because I am not. It is a change all the way around. I hope L&J are kind about it and don't leave me feeling like with different frames I would be pretty. Because I like these frames, I didn't want the trendy kind, the small ones, plastic and colored. I didn't want them.
But the glasses are phenomenal. The clarity and detail I can see -- all the way to the horizon! The trick is they are progressive lenses, which means the closer in vision stuff is at the bottom of my lens, and I am getting the hang of tilting my head the right way so as to accommodate all that. I think with the astigmatism in my right eye, to correct that, the lenses make things concave to me and so I can see that when I first put them on and also when I am at the computer. That accounts for the strangeness with the ground too -- it looks closer than it actually is. And so when I walk outside, I actually feel shorter because the road looks closer! I suppose once I have fully adjusted to the glasses, I won't notice that anymore.
So we went to Petsmart too and then C wanted to go to Barnes & Noble, so I ran into Rite Aid and then met her at the book store. At both of my stops, the cashier had problems with the register and had to call a manager to fix it. Both times! So when C went to pay at B&N, I said I'd stay away so as not to jinx her.
I don't think I'll go to church today. Staying in feels great. I really do plan to vacuum this week -- since I no longer have the flu! And have energy again! Also get laundry done, fish tanks, and some other odd cleaning. The glasses allow me to see just how dirty it is in here!
Oh well, anyway.
So it is Feb 1 and I gave the dogs their Heartguard and changed the calendars. Very exciting.
And now here I am at that stuck place -- what to say next. The dogs are barking. Fergus started it -- he's out back, and Bella joined in -- she's on the couch. Topaz has been hunkered down right here beside me, he just licked my hand. I hear a blue jay calling outside. The feeder was all tipsy when I filled it yesterday afternoon -- I wondered if a squirrel had done that? No bird would, I don't think.
My cousin out west had her baby last Friday. Early. She had a boy. The second great-grandchild, after M. I doubt my boy cousins will have kids. My uncle was of course all rattled by things not going according to plan. That always rocks his world. He's over 70. You'd think he'd have learned by now. But no. Not him and not his wife either. They emailed a photo, and I can see just the smallest corner of my cousin's smile -- she has a shy smile, almost tentative, but truly meant. I don't know her at all.
M sent an email wanting to see me in my glasses. I had already told her I am not pretty in them. Because I am not. It is a change all the way around. I hope L&J are kind about it and don't leave me feeling like with different frames I would be pretty. Because I like these frames, I didn't want the trendy kind, the small ones, plastic and colored. I didn't want them.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Saturday 31 January
It's sunny. It's cold. It's Saturday. I slept until almost 7:30. How wonderful. I don't know if I can get my glasses today tho -- I haven't heard from C tho I left a message on her house phone and her cell. It is humbling, if not humiliating, to be so beholden to people in a culture that is really, at heart, "all about me".
I am in a better frame of mind than I was yesterday. Perhaps because it is Saturday and I have removed the workhorse harness for the time being and am free to amble about the pasture at my own speed.
And so, I am going easy on myself. Instead of preparing the huge, balanced meal with lots of vegetables last night, I had scrambled eggs and a bagel. Simple. Fast. Didn't tax body or mind. I ate the last of the resurrected Christmas coffee cake for dessert and talked to S in Chicago online a bit. She is wonderful and in a similar boat as me, except her limitations are centered around physical impairment and disability.
Work was pretty quiet -- no one there but me until CW arrived at 4:10. This woman I like came in the store -- she is a dog person and we have good chats about all our respective canines.
I came out of my grumpy fog a little after noon. It's the typical morning pattern for depression. At least I know what's going on and know an end will be in sight and am not completely helpless.
So anyway.
We had a bright sunny walk. It is cold, probably around 10, but I warmed soon enough with the exertion. We stayed to snowmobile tracks for the most part and then took our own path on the meadow of the Big Tree to the white birch and back. Bella is always thrilled and deliriously energetic when I turn us back towards home. Fergus pads along at a much more amiable pace, scooping up snow and smiling sideways at me, with his eyes and his face he smiles at me. I love him. I love Bella too but she annoys me more easily than he does.
Oh gosh. This writing feels endless today and I have a little more than a full page to go.
I am, of course, happy it is the weekend, and the sunshine is a sparkling delight. This is a winter of incredible icicles, especially on my front porch, and also out this window.
The birds are eating the new suet cake just as energetically as they did the one I replaced, so I am thinking it is the location in the cage rather than the flavor. I am glad I am able to offer them that too. The apple tree is a delightful spot to have it, and the sun shines on it all day. I need to get outside this morning at some point and refill the feeder, and thought to do it when we got back, but then, nah.
Fergus has just stationed himself at the back door in anticipation of being let out. But I ignored him by writing and he is back in the living room again.
I do feel tired. I would love some tea.
I got a fair amount of work done over the week, and yesterday too, and had ti ship an order yesterday and the UPS guy took it when he came to deliver, imagine that. He was actually nice for a change. My sense is he could see how tired I was -- it is plain to see on my face -- and cut me a break.
I am in a better frame of mind than I was yesterday. Perhaps because it is Saturday and I have removed the workhorse harness for the time being and am free to amble about the pasture at my own speed.
And so, I am going easy on myself. Instead of preparing the huge, balanced meal with lots of vegetables last night, I had scrambled eggs and a bagel. Simple. Fast. Didn't tax body or mind. I ate the last of the resurrected Christmas coffee cake for dessert and talked to S in Chicago online a bit. She is wonderful and in a similar boat as me, except her limitations are centered around physical impairment and disability.
Work was pretty quiet -- no one there but me until CW arrived at 4:10. This woman I like came in the store -- she is a dog person and we have good chats about all our respective canines.
I came out of my grumpy fog a little after noon. It's the typical morning pattern for depression. At least I know what's going on and know an end will be in sight and am not completely helpless.
So anyway.
We had a bright sunny walk. It is cold, probably around 10, but I warmed soon enough with the exertion. We stayed to snowmobile tracks for the most part and then took our own path on the meadow of the Big Tree to the white birch and back. Bella is always thrilled and deliriously energetic when I turn us back towards home. Fergus pads along at a much more amiable pace, scooping up snow and smiling sideways at me, with his eyes and his face he smiles at me. I love him. I love Bella too but she annoys me more easily than he does.
Oh gosh. This writing feels endless today and I have a little more than a full page to go.
I am, of course, happy it is the weekend, and the sunshine is a sparkling delight. This is a winter of incredible icicles, especially on my front porch, and also out this window.
The birds are eating the new suet cake just as energetically as they did the one I replaced, so I am thinking it is the location in the cage rather than the flavor. I am glad I am able to offer them that too. The apple tree is a delightful spot to have it, and the sun shines on it all day. I need to get outside this morning at some point and refill the feeder, and thought to do it when we got back, but then, nah.
Fergus has just stationed himself at the back door in anticipation of being let out. But I ignored him by writing and he is back in the living room again.
I do feel tired. I would love some tea.
I got a fair amount of work done over the week, and yesterday too, and had ti ship an order yesterday and the UPS guy took it when he came to deliver, imagine that. He was actually nice for a change. My sense is he could see how tired I was -- it is plain to see on my face -- and cut me a break.
Friday 30 january
I'm having a hard time of it. I'm falling apart at the seams, irritable, exploding and yelling in rage, here in my house, all alone. I came home yesterday and my path was plowed in again and I could see the mailman's tracks -- he did not deliver my mail. I had to climb over that snowbank again, and shovel the heavy icy stuff again, wondering just how many times in a 24 hour period do I have to shovel. Truly. I had barely the energy to make supper. I made a bowl of popcorn and ate a slab of cheese while it popped. I had cocoa afterward. The I pretty much went to bed, chilled and shivering, with a headache and sinus pain, wondering if I was getting sick again. It took me awhile to warm up but I finally did and slept fairly well. It is cloudy out this morning and I would guess in the teens. We only walked on snowmobile tracks or the road. I hadn't the energy for anything else. It was an abbreviated walk. We will take a long one tomorrow.
And then the Scripture was about Moses and the Israelites in the desert, them complaining that they would have preferred to die full of food in the fleshpots of Egypt to starving in the desert, which they believe will be their fate. How I could relate to all that. Tho in all my yelling, I have not yelled at God. Just at the hard circumstances of life, currently. Actually I did yell a little bit, it could have been construed as to God but really it was just me complaining in the wilderness that it is too hard, too heavy and I cannot do all that needs to be done. I cannot do this alone. I am doing the best I can and becoming exhausted in the process and still it isn't good enough and I become so frustrated and irritable at it all. Afraid. Alone. Agitated. Anxious. Uneasy. Exhausted.
And then the continuing choir drama -- of me not going, of D insisting I go, making it all about her and not understanding the depth of how difficult this is for me. I would yell at her if she spoke to me about it right now. I would yell. I am in the yelling place. I am that far at the end of my rope. It is not pretty. I haven't even the energy to pretend it is. The weight of this winter is killing me. Too cold, too heavy, too massive. I feel small, and inadequate and very alone. Every time I come home and see the little path to my house plowed in, I feel like the world hates me.
My glasses are ready. I want to go get them ASAP. C said she might be able to take me tomorrow. I need to confirm that. If she can't, I might ask Mel. I need someone to take me. I hate feeling so helpless. I hate the demands of the larger world. I wish it would all leave me alone, and this fucking snow, what a burden. Of course CW at work had an even harder day -- he started out by shoveling and then they had him clean the production area (candle) floor -- all that wax. Needing to be scraped and removed. Sounded to me like a circle in hell. He didn't even pretend he wasn't exhausted. Life sucks! I hate it. I am all raggedy and torn open. I am so alone. I feel so alone. It is so hard to do all this.
And then the Scripture was about Moses and the Israelites in the desert, them complaining that they would have preferred to die full of food in the fleshpots of Egypt to starving in the desert, which they believe will be their fate. How I could relate to all that. Tho in all my yelling, I have not yelled at God. Just at the hard circumstances of life, currently. Actually I did yell a little bit, it could have been construed as to God but really it was just me complaining in the wilderness that it is too hard, too heavy and I cannot do all that needs to be done. I cannot do this alone. I am doing the best I can and becoming exhausted in the process and still it isn't good enough and I become so frustrated and irritable at it all. Afraid. Alone. Agitated. Anxious. Uneasy. Exhausted.
And then the continuing choir drama -- of me not going, of D insisting I go, making it all about her and not understanding the depth of how difficult this is for me. I would yell at her if she spoke to me about it right now. I would yell. I am in the yelling place. I am that far at the end of my rope. It is not pretty. I haven't even the energy to pretend it is. The weight of this winter is killing me. Too cold, too heavy, too massive. I feel small, and inadequate and very alone. Every time I come home and see the little path to my house plowed in, I feel like the world hates me.
My glasses are ready. I want to go get them ASAP. C said she might be able to take me tomorrow. I need to confirm that. If she can't, I might ask Mel. I need someone to take me. I hate feeling so helpless. I hate the demands of the larger world. I wish it would all leave me alone, and this fucking snow, what a burden. Of course CW at work had an even harder day -- he started out by shoveling and then they had him clean the production area (candle) floor -- all that wax. Needing to be scraped and removed. Sounded to me like a circle in hell. He didn't even pretend he wasn't exhausted. Life sucks! I hate it. I am all raggedy and torn open. I am so alone. I feel so alone. It is so hard to do all this.
Thursday 29 January
I am hot after our walk. It must be in the 20s, a major change. Feels like summer. I never snapped my coat on the way out and soon shed hat and mittens. It is also strenuous walking with the new coat of snow and crusty ice. Then I shoveled out the path at the end of my drive. When I got home yesterday, it was blocked in by about 4 feet of plowed stuff, icy chunks and dirty snow. I closed work at 4, as it had snowed all day and changed to freezing rain and sleet by mid-afternoon. Then it changed back to snow sometime after dark.
I almost can't believe I sit here wiping sweat from my face.
We weren't able to go very far, what with me constantly breaking through the crust. But I did get into a rhythm and it wasn't so bad then. Bella was delirious with delight when we turned back towards home tho. The only time Fergus pulled me really hard was when he wanted to greet a young man standing by the side of the road, waiting for a ride.
I had a financial scare yesterday when I realized that Nat'l Grid had been charging me twice each month. I had to call the bank, then Nat'l Grid, then the bank again to get it all figured out and straightened out and all I can say is it is a small miracle I did not have any checks bounce. And I suppose it isn't a bad thing that I am currently all paid up with them, and have a $20 credit besides. It took me until late in the afternoon to finally get my check book balanced -- I am not a fast thinker when it comes to numbers. But I think it is right now.
When I got home, the mountain lion fetish I had bought me for my birthday had arrived. It is beyond beautiful. The artist captured the essence and spirit of the cat -- it looks like it is about to stalk, that moment of poise just before they go into the crouch. It is by far the finest fetish I have and really the only one that shows the spirit of the animal like that. All the rest are beautiful shapes and forms, but this one has so much more. (Tho I did realize upon looking at them all last night that the one bear that looks like Fergus has more to it than just mere form, it has a whiff of spirit too, but in a whimsical way, lighter, not quite the same as what has been captured in the turquoise cat.)
And so it is Thursday and I wobble along. I am sincerely doing the best I can with what I have. I almost collapsed in anxiety and frustration over that financial stuff yesterday, and surrendered in prayer, and felt God's love enfold me like a soft blanket. And then an oddball song ("Come Fly With Me', Michael Buble) came on the shuffle play and that just left me awash in silliness, as if a true friend had come to help lighten me up and make me laugh. The line "Weather-wise, it's such a lovely day" made me dissolve in laughter and grateful tear as I looked out at the heavy snowfall.
God is good to me.
I bought more apple suet after work and when I put it in the cage, it seemed to me that it was actually the berry they liked better, but maybe it is just the position of the cake in the cage? Time will tell.
I almost can't believe I sit here wiping sweat from my face.
We weren't able to go very far, what with me constantly breaking through the crust. But I did get into a rhythm and it wasn't so bad then. Bella was delirious with delight when we turned back towards home tho. The only time Fergus pulled me really hard was when he wanted to greet a young man standing by the side of the road, waiting for a ride.
I had a financial scare yesterday when I realized that Nat'l Grid had been charging me twice each month. I had to call the bank, then Nat'l Grid, then the bank again to get it all figured out and straightened out and all I can say is it is a small miracle I did not have any checks bounce. And I suppose it isn't a bad thing that I am currently all paid up with them, and have a $20 credit besides. It took me until late in the afternoon to finally get my check book balanced -- I am not a fast thinker when it comes to numbers. But I think it is right now.
When I got home, the mountain lion fetish I had bought me for my birthday had arrived. It is beyond beautiful. The artist captured the essence and spirit of the cat -- it looks like it is about to stalk, that moment of poise just before they go into the crouch. It is by far the finest fetish I have and really the only one that shows the spirit of the animal like that. All the rest are beautiful shapes and forms, but this one has so much more. (Tho I did realize upon looking at them all last night that the one bear that looks like Fergus has more to it than just mere form, it has a whiff of spirit too, but in a whimsical way, lighter, not quite the same as what has been captured in the turquoise cat.)
And so it is Thursday and I wobble along. I am sincerely doing the best I can with what I have. I almost collapsed in anxiety and frustration over that financial stuff yesterday, and surrendered in prayer, and felt God's love enfold me like a soft blanket. And then an oddball song ("Come Fly With Me', Michael Buble) came on the shuffle play and that just left me awash in silliness, as if a true friend had come to help lighten me up and make me laugh. The line "Weather-wise, it's such a lovely day" made me dissolve in laughter and grateful tear as I looked out at the heavy snowfall.
God is good to me.
I bought more apple suet after work and when I put it in the cage, it seemed to me that it was actually the berry they liked better, but maybe it is just the position of the cake in the cage? Time will tell.
Wednesday 28 January
The dogs and I saw 6 - 7 deer in the trees along the pasture on our snowy walk. Fergus alerted us to them -- he heard something. So we stopped and waited to see and then the deer began walking and bounding through the trees. I turned back then -- the deer are having a hard enough time of it this winter without being hassled by the barking of crazy dogs. Cuz Fergus goes crazy. He yips and jumps.
We are supposed to have snow all day. Into tonight. What I read last night said up to 16 inches. I will take it as it goes and not get myself all worked up by expectations and pre-suppositions. I suppose I already have enough to deal with. So snow? I laugh at the snow. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
I slept much better, very comfortably, with interesting dreams! I think I pretty much stay in the same position all night. Inca sleeps under the covers by my tummy and Topaz is tucked up against my legs. We really don't move, none of us, except for Fergus who I hear with his obsessive digging and scratching from roughly about 4am on.
I probably should stop at the market today, but I can hardly think for what! I am still low on money and so am spending as little as possible.
I had a lot of time alone at work yesterday and realized I am angry at M, really quite angry at M, and have been for some time. I realize I have been treating her like past abusers -- her father in particular -- by doing my happy approval dance in the hopes of making her happy. And that is a trap, a sinkhole, a quagmire. I need to stop that, to lay down some limits and leave her to deal with them. But still, it frightens me and frustrates me and feels like an unbearable burden and also confuses me as to why I end up in this situation over and over again and now with my own kid. Why. And what is it I have failed to learn and how do I change this. I feel like I am up against a wall, an invisible, impermeable wall. So, I am working my way through that!
I had a nice supper of eggs last night, with onions, celery, spinach, and cheese all cooked in it. I kept thinking I should make a side of pasta but just didn't have the energy so I had a big chunk of C's coffee cake instead. The one she gave us for Christmas, as she does every year, homemade. I had kept it in the freezer since M was sick on Christmas and had no interest.
M. She feels like a nasty thorn in my side and she isn't even here. At work I have too much time to think with no one there. So I turned on the music yesterday and grooved along and sang to 'Quadrophenia'. All these years and I ever ever tire of that album.
Anyway it is Wednesday. Not much else going on. Snow all day. I could buy more apple suet and dog chicken (or a can) and some kind of bread for me, probably English muffins or bagels. Whichever. I have been eating a bagel when I get to work and a sardine sandwich on an English muffin for lunch. But today I am out of cream cheese, so I will probably put the sardines on the last bagel and have PB&J on the Eng muff. Such a tidy little plan. Of such details is my tiny little day comprised. Other people don't think like that. They simply go out and order what is there. They have money. I scrape it together every day but it's fine.
We are supposed to have snow all day. Into tonight. What I read last night said up to 16 inches. I will take it as it goes and not get myself all worked up by expectations and pre-suppositions. I suppose I already have enough to deal with. So snow? I laugh at the snow. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha
I slept much better, very comfortably, with interesting dreams! I think I pretty much stay in the same position all night. Inca sleeps under the covers by my tummy and Topaz is tucked up against my legs. We really don't move, none of us, except for Fergus who I hear with his obsessive digging and scratching from roughly about 4am on.
I probably should stop at the market today, but I can hardly think for what! I am still low on money and so am spending as little as possible.
I had a lot of time alone at work yesterday and realized I am angry at M, really quite angry at M, and have been for some time. I realize I have been treating her like past abusers -- her father in particular -- by doing my happy approval dance in the hopes of making her happy. And that is a trap, a sinkhole, a quagmire. I need to stop that, to lay down some limits and leave her to deal with them. But still, it frightens me and frustrates me and feels like an unbearable burden and also confuses me as to why I end up in this situation over and over again and now with my own kid. Why. And what is it I have failed to learn and how do I change this. I feel like I am up against a wall, an invisible, impermeable wall. So, I am working my way through that!
I had a nice supper of eggs last night, with onions, celery, spinach, and cheese all cooked in it. I kept thinking I should make a side of pasta but just didn't have the energy so I had a big chunk of C's coffee cake instead. The one she gave us for Christmas, as she does every year, homemade. I had kept it in the freezer since M was sick on Christmas and had no interest.
M. She feels like a nasty thorn in my side and she isn't even here. At work I have too much time to think with no one there. So I turned on the music yesterday and grooved along and sang to 'Quadrophenia'. All these years and I ever ever tire of that album.
Anyway it is Wednesday. Not much else going on. Snow all day. I could buy more apple suet and dog chicken (or a can) and some kind of bread for me, probably English muffins or bagels. Whichever. I have been eating a bagel when I get to work and a sardine sandwich on an English muffin for lunch. But today I am out of cream cheese, so I will probably put the sardines on the last bagel and have PB&J on the Eng muff. Such a tidy little plan. Of such details is my tiny little day comprised. Other people don't think like that. They simply go out and order what is there. They have money. I scrape it together every day but it's fine.
Tuesday 27 January : Lunar New Year
A gap. I have not been back to this blog in several months. It began to bore me, so I did not wish to inflict it upon others. And now today, I am back, but with a gap of a few weeks. Hardly critical.
A new notebook in the New Year -- Chinese New Year, which was yesterday, Year of the Ox, which is supposed to be about prosperity. I find that to be a good balance against the current economic scene. It also hearkens me back to my dream of yesterday -- J was also born in the Year of the Ox.
I cannot say that I slept well. I felt filled with a hot, alert energy, that while I could lie still, and my body relax, my mind seemed alert and awake. I realize I should have just let myself read longer, to take advantage of some of that energy. I feel like I spent most of the night repeating Psalm 23 over and over, consciously, as if in active prayer. After a long time, it felt like a drumbeat in my head, and so I switched to "The Lord is our refuge and our strength --". I like that image, of being a refuge and a source of strength. It strengthens me to comprehend it.
We have another snowstorm forecast, tonight into tomorrow, at least 7 inches is what I read last night, but that will become more precise a forecast as time goes by. All I can say is Oh joy! More snow! Bring it on. I am resigned to it. To the burden this winter has been.
What else to say--
Work was tolerable yesterday. I plodded along. By mid-afternoon, I was tired and in active rebellion against certain tasks, and so did not do them. I have to put together some prototype samples of the new candles this morning and pack them up to ship today. There are 30 of them to do and I do not expect it will take me until past noon. Provided the phone and store are quiet.
I did not have what I would consider satisfactory conversations with J yesterday as the connections were uniformly bad and my energy was low.
CW came in at about 4:10 and decided to work over near me so that he could sit and visit. Which was fine enough. He keeps insisting I come up and see his new place -- he must really be proud of it, it must be such an improvement over other places he has lived. He has so little, he doesn't even have gloves and I wish there was a place in town where I could simply buy him a pair and hand them to him.
These below zero mornings are brutal in their own way, even after you become accustomed to them.
I managed to find an orange amber candle with the wick too far off center yesterday and brought it home. It is my new favorite -- I just drink in the scent of it, I really love it. I have a small one in the bathroom and put the big one in my bedroom.
At least I don't have to go t the market today. I don't even have a full enough bag of trash to put out -- with M back at school --- so that saves me a bit of money overall.
I was thinking yesterday how great it would be if M decided to stay in Boston this summer and work. I will not abide her being here and doing nothing. That time is past. She has to start working. How wonderful it would be if she actually did that under her own steam. Thinking of her tends to trouble me and so I unburden these thoughts and worries in prayer and hope for the best. My opinion of her isn't too high at the moment.
A new notebook in the New Year -- Chinese New Year, which was yesterday, Year of the Ox, which is supposed to be about prosperity. I find that to be a good balance against the current economic scene. It also hearkens me back to my dream of yesterday -- J was also born in the Year of the Ox.
I cannot say that I slept well. I felt filled with a hot, alert energy, that while I could lie still, and my body relax, my mind seemed alert and awake. I realize I should have just let myself read longer, to take advantage of some of that energy. I feel like I spent most of the night repeating Psalm 23 over and over, consciously, as if in active prayer. After a long time, it felt like a drumbeat in my head, and so I switched to "The Lord is our refuge and our strength --". I like that image, of being a refuge and a source of strength. It strengthens me to comprehend it.
We have another snowstorm forecast, tonight into tomorrow, at least 7 inches is what I read last night, but that will become more precise a forecast as time goes by. All I can say is Oh joy! More snow! Bring it on. I am resigned to it. To the burden this winter has been.
What else to say--
Work was tolerable yesterday. I plodded along. By mid-afternoon, I was tired and in active rebellion against certain tasks, and so did not do them. I have to put together some prototype samples of the new candles this morning and pack them up to ship today. There are 30 of them to do and I do not expect it will take me until past noon. Provided the phone and store are quiet.
I did not have what I would consider satisfactory conversations with J yesterday as the connections were uniformly bad and my energy was low.
CW came in at about 4:10 and decided to work over near me so that he could sit and visit. Which was fine enough. He keeps insisting I come up and see his new place -- he must really be proud of it, it must be such an improvement over other places he has lived. He has so little, he doesn't even have gloves and I wish there was a place in town where I could simply buy him a pair and hand them to him.
These below zero mornings are brutal in their own way, even after you become accustomed to them.
I managed to find an orange amber candle with the wick too far off center yesterday and brought it home. It is my new favorite -- I just drink in the scent of it, I really love it. I have a small one in the bathroom and put the big one in my bedroom.
At least I don't have to go t the market today. I don't even have a full enough bag of trash to put out -- with M back at school --- so that saves me a bit of money overall.
I was thinking yesterday how great it would be if M decided to stay in Boston this summer and work. I will not abide her being here and doing nothing. That time is past. She has to start working. How wonderful it would be if she actually did that under her own steam. Thinking of her tends to trouble me and so I unburden these thoughts and worries in prayer and hope for the best. My opinion of her isn't too high at the moment.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
2009 : Thursday 1 January
It's a beautiful day. Below zero cold, but beautiful -- light blue sky above the new snow that has drifted in places in beautiful symmetry. Maya didn't even want to go out. She knew with the precision of her cat sense that it'd be too damn cold outside. We saw no one, not even a crow.
M and I went to P&M's last night and it was tolerable. P was somewhat sulky and feeling sorry for herself but she kept her nastiness under control. She went after me a bit at the end of the night, but I was in better shape than she was and deflected her accusatory words quite easily. She's got nothin' on me.
I brought over the bottle of wine L&J had given me in early December but that I couldn't open, and M opened it for me. I gladly shared it with whoever asked, even tho I knew they wouldn't like it. They were drinking that pink stuff out of a box in the fridge, and this was a nice French red at gasp room temperature. M did admit he prefers that kind of wine with pasta. Whatever.
I was glad M came with us. I don't think she went out after we got home around 11. She told me St wasn't allowed to drive anywhere as her dad was worried about drunks on the road. They spoke to each other now and then but M never went over there and I was honestly just as glad she didn't. She seems to be improving somewhat but she isn't better.
We are supposed to go to the dV's for dinner today and I sure am hoping that means early evening and not mid-day meal dinner. Otherwise I am going to have to get in rapid gear and get that mousse made. I made the crust yesterday afternoon. It was pleasant to sit grinding up Oreos into my big blue bowl.
I didn't let Inca in my room last night. It was late and I was tired and no way was I gonna deal with cat nonsense. She was quite indignant this morning, as only a cat can be.
It really is beautiful outside.
I watched the New Year's fireworks in Sydney AU yesterday afternoon and they were so beautiful. Really impressive. My New Year's blog made the home page of Open Salon again. 3 out of 4 of my pieces are 'Editor's Picks'. Nice. I really haven't anything to write about lately, tho those open calls always prompt me to respond somehow. It's like an assignment and I was always game for writing assignments, I never know what is going to pop into my head but something always does.
I didn't hear the church bells at midnight but I may have dozed off by then. I didn't even read when I went to bed.
I made a nice supper of venison sausage, onions, carrots, and potatoes. I baked M some carrots but she turned up her nose at them. Bitch.
M and I went to P&M's last night and it was tolerable. P was somewhat sulky and feeling sorry for herself but she kept her nastiness under control. She went after me a bit at the end of the night, but I was in better shape than she was and deflected her accusatory words quite easily. She's got nothin' on me.
I brought over the bottle of wine L&J had given me in early December but that I couldn't open, and M opened it for me. I gladly shared it with whoever asked, even tho I knew they wouldn't like it. They were drinking that pink stuff out of a box in the fridge, and this was a nice French red at gasp room temperature. M did admit he prefers that kind of wine with pasta. Whatever.
I was glad M came with us. I don't think she went out after we got home around 11. She told me St wasn't allowed to drive anywhere as her dad was worried about drunks on the road. They spoke to each other now and then but M never went over there and I was honestly just as glad she didn't. She seems to be improving somewhat but she isn't better.
We are supposed to go to the dV's for dinner today and I sure am hoping that means early evening and not mid-day meal dinner. Otherwise I am going to have to get in rapid gear and get that mousse made. I made the crust yesterday afternoon. It was pleasant to sit grinding up Oreos into my big blue bowl.
I didn't let Inca in my room last night. It was late and I was tired and no way was I gonna deal with cat nonsense. She was quite indignant this morning, as only a cat can be.
It really is beautiful outside.
I watched the New Year's fireworks in Sydney AU yesterday afternoon and they were so beautiful. Really impressive. My New Year's blog made the home page of Open Salon again. 3 out of 4 of my pieces are 'Editor's Picks'. Nice. I really haven't anything to write about lately, tho those open calls always prompt me to respond somehow. It's like an assignment and I was always game for writing assignments, I never know what is going to pop into my head but something always does.
I didn't hear the church bells at midnight but I may have dozed off by then. I didn't even read when I went to bed.
I made a nice supper of venison sausage, onions, carrots, and potatoes. I baked M some carrots but she turned up her nose at them. Bitch.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Wednesday 31 December : New Year's Eve
It' snowing quite hard -- straight out of the north. Who knew? Not me. I was pleasantly surprised when I first saw it, all pretty and white, after I had opened the back door. But, by the end of our walk, after enduring the northern driven snow biting straight into my face, it wasn't so pleasant anymore. And, of course, Fergus wanted to stop and bite sticks to pieces. So I turned my back to the wind and let him because God forbid the day he dies be a day when I didn't let him find gigantic portions of tree branches to carry proudly, head held high, and then dramatically drop so that he can ferociously bite off all the small twigs. Rrrrawr, he is such a big dog.
Anyway I have no idea what time it is even and I do not want to know. I didn't sleep very well, but I was comfortable enough. I had a weird dream about betraying -- not in a sexual way -- a man I had loved but whom I didn't really respect anymore. But then when I saw him upset by my lying actions -- I had made it look like gifts I had intended to give him, with an affectionate letter included, were actually from someone else, not me. It was a silly, stupid misunderstanding, the stuff of French farce. But it came at a time, I now realize, when he needed to hear I cared, and I had thought it wouldn't matter to him anyway. But when I saw it did, I tried to fix it and make it right, but it was beyond that by then.
The things about that, I realize as I write, is that I often do that very thing -- underestimate the affection people have for me and distance myself, finding out only later that they actually cared. I seem to have this vacuum space inside me, this null spot, this void, this impenetrable barrier of scar tissue that keeps me from truly appreciating the warm feelings other people might have for me. In some people that isn't so -- JdV, for example. She is so pure, in her way, but I am also sure -- tho I don't really remember it -- I probably did the same to her at one time. I remember a long time ago at a psychic ability workshop I attended, the woman I was partnered with saw me as a rose, but a rose that kept deep within the hedgerow, withdrawing from others, even tho others beseech me to join them.
Oh well anyway. I am supposed to go to P&M's tonight and I probably will. I need to go to the market for a few things today. I discovered yesterday that the dry dog food I buy went up $5. $5! Really bad. But the good thing is my neighbor was also at the market, and she gave me a ride home so I didn't have to lug home, in the wind, 5 pounds of bird seed and 18 pounds of dog food. God is good.
Anyway I have no idea what time it is even and I do not want to know. I didn't sleep very well, but I was comfortable enough. I had a weird dream about betraying -- not in a sexual way -- a man I had loved but whom I didn't really respect anymore. But then when I saw him upset by my lying actions -- I had made it look like gifts I had intended to give him, with an affectionate letter included, were actually from someone else, not me. It was a silly, stupid misunderstanding, the stuff of French farce. But it came at a time, I now realize, when he needed to hear I cared, and I had thought it wouldn't matter to him anyway. But when I saw it did, I tried to fix it and make it right, but it was beyond that by then.
The things about that, I realize as I write, is that I often do that very thing -- underestimate the affection people have for me and distance myself, finding out only later that they actually cared. I seem to have this vacuum space inside me, this null spot, this void, this impenetrable barrier of scar tissue that keeps me from truly appreciating the warm feelings other people might have for me. In some people that isn't so -- JdV, for example. She is so pure, in her way, but I am also sure -- tho I don't really remember it -- I probably did the same to her at one time. I remember a long time ago at a psychic ability workshop I attended, the woman I was partnered with saw me as a rose, but a rose that kept deep within the hedgerow, withdrawing from others, even tho others beseech me to join them.
Oh well anyway. I am supposed to go to P&M's tonight and I probably will. I need to go to the market for a few things today. I discovered yesterday that the dry dog food I buy went up $5. $5! Really bad. But the good thing is my neighbor was also at the market, and she gave me a ride home so I didn't have to lug home, in the wind, 5 pounds of bird seed and 18 pounds of dog food. God is good.
Tuesday 30 December
It's quite windy, and colder, and we have a new dusting of snow that is quite pretty but also conceals the ice. I slipped a couple of times, but did not fall. Once we got out into the field, it was better, as the snow has frozen and compacted and is very easy to walk on. In fact, the wind is so strong, it blows the plastic over my windows in and out, like a giant inhaling and exhaling right outside.
M came back yesterday. She is quite pale and has dark circles under her eyes, but she feels better and is perkier and happier. She told me her grades. She didn't fail anything, as was her goal. She did average okay, not great. But in the writing class (B+), she was asked to submit 2 of her pieces for further publication, so that was a very good thing. I think, being a writer of her calibre, and getting a B+, shows that her college has high standards and that is a good thing too. I don't know when/if I will address the drinking issue with her -- coward! Maybe -- since I have yet to receive any formal notification from the school and also she talks as if her European studies have not been jeopardized in any way.
We had dinner at C's last night and it was tolerable. PB was snarky mouthed and judgmental and obnoxious as usual, and at one point I gave it right back to her, but I didn't enjoy it. And now I have managed to get myself back in the position of going to her house on New Year's Eve -- the invitation from the dV's was for NY's Day, it turns out, and as that was revealed right at the dinner table, I had no choice but to re-insert myself into insecure PB's plans. But I regret it already and am wondering what kind of illness I can come down with so that I don't have to go. That's tomorrow night -- I have plenty of time to sort out my feelings.
Today I need to get some stuff at the market, including dog food, which once again, they did not have on Sunday when I had a ride. WTF. So I can lug one of those home today, along with a couple other necessities.
M was eager to get back here apparently. She indicated she had gotten sick of FF quickly. He is what he is.
It looks like there might be clear skies today, it is brighter and I can see blue.
And now I sit here, silent, my mind blank. I imagine M will sleep all day cos it sounded like she was up all night. The little bell on my front porch is ringing, and it only rings when the wind is especially strong. I hear that and the crinkle of the plastic over the windows breathing in and out. I never cleaned the floors yesterday -- after I got back from the bank and mailing my phone bill (I borrowed a stamp from work), I just didn't feel like it once I got back home. It was grey and dank yesterday, so nice to see light and a hint of blue today.
M came back yesterday. She is quite pale and has dark circles under her eyes, but she feels better and is perkier and happier. She told me her grades. She didn't fail anything, as was her goal. She did average okay, not great. But in the writing class (B+), she was asked to submit 2 of her pieces for further publication, so that was a very good thing. I think, being a writer of her calibre, and getting a B+, shows that her college has high standards and that is a good thing too. I don't know when/if I will address the drinking issue with her -- coward! Maybe -- since I have yet to receive any formal notification from the school and also she talks as if her European studies have not been jeopardized in any way.
We had dinner at C's last night and it was tolerable. PB was snarky mouthed and judgmental and obnoxious as usual, and at one point I gave it right back to her, but I didn't enjoy it. And now I have managed to get myself back in the position of going to her house on New Year's Eve -- the invitation from the dV's was for NY's Day, it turns out, and as that was revealed right at the dinner table, I had no choice but to re-insert myself into insecure PB's plans. But I regret it already and am wondering what kind of illness I can come down with so that I don't have to go. That's tomorrow night -- I have plenty of time to sort out my feelings.
Today I need to get some stuff at the market, including dog food, which once again, they did not have on Sunday when I had a ride. WTF. So I can lug one of those home today, along with a couple other necessities.
M was eager to get back here apparently. She indicated she had gotten sick of FF quickly. He is what he is.
It looks like there might be clear skies today, it is brighter and I can see blue.
And now I sit here, silent, my mind blank. I imagine M will sleep all day cos it sounded like she was up all night. The little bell on my front porch is ringing, and it only rings when the wind is especially strong. I hear that and the crinkle of the plastic over the windows breathing in and out. I never cleaned the floors yesterday -- after I got back from the bank and mailing my phone bill (I borrowed a stamp from work), I just didn't feel like it once I got back home. It was grey and dank yesterday, so nice to see light and a hint of blue today.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Monday 29 December
I can't honestly say I enjoy our walk these days, at least not at the outset. It is difficult walking, with chunky ice and hard uneven surfaces. But once we get to the field, and the cemetery, it is much better. My boots are no longer uncomfortable -- they and I have finally become accustomed to one another.
It's grey. It's damp. The snow has been steadily melting -- it got almost to 50 yesterday, but it wasn't sunny -- and the world has taken on that dirty snow, mushy thawed dog shit look. We need a good freeze and a fresh coat of snow to cover it. It isn't as if it's March and the thaw is on its way. It is only just December's end, and winter's late beginning, the solstice being only just a week or so past.
I had a long email conversation with FF re: M. I am feeling slightly more rational about it all today, and it occurred to me that her getting caught so early on could be seen as a good thing. Maybe a huge knock upside the head, reality check. I can hope. My stomach still twists when I consider she may not be allowed to study in the Netherlands next year. That would be a hard lesson indeed. And then there's the matter of her grades -- I may never see them. This is a really challenging stage of parenting.
I had a nice quiet day yesterday. I pretty much just chilled. Read, relaxed. I wasn't hungry -- I haven't had an appetite in many days -- but I make myself eat anyway.
Tonight is the dinner at C's. I wouldn't mind getting out of it but that won't be possible. C was badgering me yesterday about whether M was coming -- because then she has to make a vegetarian dish (her lasagna is crammed full of hamburger and I despise it but there is no avoiding it). I didn't hear from M until after 4 and she said she wants to go to C's. But that was another whole 24 hours away. I hate being the go-between in this nonsense. C told me I could let her know this morning -- by the latest! -- whether M will be there. M sounds like she wants to go. M has bad judgment. I stand back and say What the fuck. Indeed, what the fuck.
Anyway. I have to go to the bank. I have to mail my phone bill today. I forgot to do it on Saturday. I am lost in time with this holiday. I barely know what day it is with all the usual schedules completely suspended. Or what time it is, even.
Anyway, what to say. Fergus is old and itchy. Pearl the fish is back in her bad place. BT gave me her poinsettia after church yesterday. She is the only person who asked me how it was for me with M being sick on Christmas and after I told her -- the truth -- she gave me her beautiful red poinsettia.
It's grey. It's damp. The snow has been steadily melting -- it got almost to 50 yesterday, but it wasn't sunny -- and the world has taken on that dirty snow, mushy thawed dog shit look. We need a good freeze and a fresh coat of snow to cover it. It isn't as if it's March and the thaw is on its way. It is only just December's end, and winter's late beginning, the solstice being only just a week or so past.
I had a long email conversation with FF re: M. I am feeling slightly more rational about it all today, and it occurred to me that her getting caught so early on could be seen as a good thing. Maybe a huge knock upside the head, reality check. I can hope. My stomach still twists when I consider she may not be allowed to study in the Netherlands next year. That would be a hard lesson indeed. And then there's the matter of her grades -- I may never see them. This is a really challenging stage of parenting.
I had a nice quiet day yesterday. I pretty much just chilled. Read, relaxed. I wasn't hungry -- I haven't had an appetite in many days -- but I make myself eat anyway.
Tonight is the dinner at C's. I wouldn't mind getting out of it but that won't be possible. C was badgering me yesterday about whether M was coming -- because then she has to make a vegetarian dish (her lasagna is crammed full of hamburger and I despise it but there is no avoiding it). I didn't hear from M until after 4 and she said she wants to go to C's. But that was another whole 24 hours away. I hate being the go-between in this nonsense. C told me I could let her know this morning -- by the latest! -- whether M will be there. M sounds like she wants to go. M has bad judgment. I stand back and say What the fuck. Indeed, what the fuck.
Anyway. I have to go to the bank. I have to mail my phone bill today. I forgot to do it on Saturday. I am lost in time with this holiday. I barely know what day it is with all the usual schedules completely suspended. Or what time it is, even.
Anyway, what to say. Fergus is old and itchy. Pearl the fish is back in her bad place. BT gave me her poinsettia after church yesterday. She is the only person who asked me how it was for me with M being sick on Christmas and after I told her -- the truth -- she gave me her beautiful red poinsettia.
Sunday 28 December
Fog over snow. It's probably pretty but I am too angry to enjoy it. Still processing my huge emotions from yesterday. I am really very angry at M. I am beginning to be able to verbalize some of it to myself. Angry, disappointed, disillusioned. I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore. I feel hurt because she has dissed all that has been done for her and given to her. I don't know how to proceed. I am truly at a crossroads. I am sad that Christmas was such a drag, that special things were barely paid attention to. By her. I tried to do special things and I tried to make it nice.
I have a maelstrom inside me. I am somewhat blinded by it. But I am angry, agitated. I have no words to speak to her.
Thankfully she went to FF's. He took her to the urgent care clinic yesterday -- she finally decided to go. And, she has mono. What else can I say other than I feel like she is hellbent on destroying all that she has. Trashing every gift. Acting like a real addict type. I hope she stays at his house for awhile. She probably won't but I wish she would. I truly do. It is last summer all over again, with a large surly moody discontented parasite in my house. She is very difficult. I am not strong enough. It drains me very much.
I went to JdV's yesterday morning to talk about it with her. She was very helpful and helped give me words to say when the anger clears from my vision. Then I went to the library and to the market. Got soy milk and soup for M, which of course she turned her nose up at.
I have to back off from all this and take care of myself and of my life here. It is all I can do, and keep digesting these huge emotions inside me.
I sent FF an email yesterday telling him about her censure and fine at school. I received no mail yesterday so I have not been officially informed. S in Chicago was her usual bright self, both reassuring and dismaying me -- but she always manages to normalize things for me and that makes me feel better.
I cleaned the church yesterday and am glad not to have to go down there this morning. Thankfully it wasn't too dirty and didn't take too long to do.
I will go to worship today, and chill as much as I can. I plan only to clean the floors. I have a bunch of good books from the library to read, and also the one JdV gave me for Christmas.
At least with the mono M has an excuse to lay around all the time. I feel ashamed of her -- for her -- anyway.
I have a maelstrom inside me. I am somewhat blinded by it. But I am angry, agitated. I have no words to speak to her.
Thankfully she went to FF's. He took her to the urgent care clinic yesterday -- she finally decided to go. And, she has mono. What else can I say other than I feel like she is hellbent on destroying all that she has. Trashing every gift. Acting like a real addict type. I hope she stays at his house for awhile. She probably won't but I wish she would. I truly do. It is last summer all over again, with a large surly moody discontented parasite in my house. She is very difficult. I am not strong enough. It drains me very much.
I went to JdV's yesterday morning to talk about it with her. She was very helpful and helped give me words to say when the anger clears from my vision. Then I went to the library and to the market. Got soy milk and soup for M, which of course she turned her nose up at.
I have to back off from all this and take care of myself and of my life here. It is all I can do, and keep digesting these huge emotions inside me.
I sent FF an email yesterday telling him about her censure and fine at school. I received no mail yesterday so I have not been officially informed. S in Chicago was her usual bright self, both reassuring and dismaying me -- but she always manages to normalize things for me and that makes me feel better.
I cleaned the church yesterday and am glad not to have to go down there this morning. Thankfully it wasn't too dirty and didn't take too long to do.
I will go to worship today, and chill as much as I can. I plan only to clean the floors. I have a bunch of good books from the library to read, and also the one JdV gave me for Christmas.
At least with the mono M has an excuse to lay around all the time. I feel ashamed of her -- for her -- anyway.
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