Saturday 31 January

It's sunny. It's cold. It's Saturday. I slept until almost 7:30. How wonderful. I don't know if I can get my glasses today tho -- I haven't heard from C tho I left a message on her house phone and her cell. It is humbling, if not humiliating, to be so beholden to people in a culture that is really, at heart, "all about me".

I am in a better frame of mind than I was yesterday. Perhaps because it is Saturday and I have removed the workhorse harness for the time being and am free to amble about the pasture at my own speed.

And so, I am going easy on myself. Instead of preparing the huge, balanced meal with lots of vegetables last night, I had scrambled eggs and a bagel. Simple. Fast. Didn't tax body or mind. I ate the last of the resurrected Christmas coffee cake for dessert and talked to S in Chicago online a bit. She is wonderful and in a similar boat as me, except her limitations are centered around physical impairment and disability.

Work was pretty quiet -- no one there but me until CW arrived at 4:10. This woman I like came in the store -- she is a dog person and we have good chats about all our respective canines.

I came out of my grumpy fog a little after noon. It's the typical morning pattern for depression. At least I know what's going on and know an end will be in sight and am not completely helpless.

So anyway.

We had a bright sunny walk. It is cold, probably around 10, but I warmed soon enough with the exertion. We stayed to snowmobile tracks for the most part and then took our own path on the meadow of the Big Tree to the white birch and back. Bella is always thrilled and deliriously energetic when I turn us back towards home. Fergus pads along at a much more amiable pace, scooping up snow and smiling sideways at me, with his eyes and his face he smiles at me. I love him. I love Bella too but she annoys me more easily than he does.

Oh gosh. This writing feels endless today and I have a little more than a full page to go.

I am, of course, happy it is the weekend, and the sunshine is a sparkling delight. This is a winter of incredible icicles, especially on my front porch, and also out this window.

The birds are eating the new suet cake just as energetically as they did the one I replaced, so I am thinking it is the location in the cage rather than the flavor. I am glad I am able to offer them that too. The apple tree is a delightful spot to have it, and the sun shines on it all day. I need to get outside this morning at some point and refill the feeder, and thought to do it when we got back, but then, nah.

Fergus has just stationed himself at the back door in anticipation of being let out. But I ignored him by writing and he is back in the living room again.

I do feel tired. I would love some tea.

I got a fair amount of work done over the week, and yesterday too, and had ti ship an order yesterday and the UPS guy took it when he came to deliver, imagine that. He was actually nice for a change. My sense is he could see how tired I was -- it is plain to see on my face -- and cut me a break.