Wednesday 28 January

The dogs and I saw 6 - 7 deer in the trees along the pasture on our snowy walk. Fergus alerted us to them -- he heard something. So we stopped and waited to see and then the deer began walking and bounding through the trees. I turned back then -- the deer are having a hard enough time of it this winter without being hassled by the barking of crazy dogs. Cuz Fergus goes crazy. He yips and jumps.

We are supposed to have snow all day. Into tonight. What I read last night said up to 16 inches. I will take it as it goes and not get myself all worked up by expectations and pre-suppositions. I suppose I already have enough to deal with. So snow? I laugh at the snow. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

I slept much better, very comfortably, with interesting dreams! I think I pretty much stay in the same position all night. Inca sleeps under the covers by my tummy and Topaz is tucked up against my legs. We really don't move, none of us, except for Fergus who I hear with his obsessive digging and scratching from roughly about 4am on.

I probably should stop at the market today, but I can hardly think for what! I am still low on money and so am spending as little as possible.

I had a lot of time alone at work yesterday and realized I am angry at M, really quite angry at M, and have been for some time. I realize I have been treating her like past abusers -- her father in particular -- by doing my happy approval dance in the hopes of making her happy. And that is a trap, a sinkhole, a quagmire. I need to stop that, to lay down some limits and leave her to deal with them. But still, it frightens me and frustrates me and feels like an unbearable burden and also confuses me as to why I end up in this situation over and over again and now with my own kid. Why. And what is it I have failed to learn and how do I change this. I feel like I am up against a wall, an invisible, impermeable wall. So, I am working my way through that!

I had a nice supper of eggs last night, with onions, celery, spinach, and cheese all cooked in it. I kept thinking I should make a side of pasta but just didn't have the energy so I had a big chunk of C's coffee cake instead. The one she gave us for Christmas, as she does every year, homemade. I had kept it in the freezer since M was sick on Christmas and had no interest.

M. She feels like a nasty thorn in my side and she isn't even here. At work I have too much time to think with no one there. So I turned on the music yesterday and grooved along and sang to 'Quadrophenia'. All these years and I ever ever tire of that album.

Anyway it is Wednesday. Not much else going on. Snow all day. I could buy more apple suet and dog chicken (or a can) and some kind of bread for me, probably English muffins or bagels. Whichever. I have been eating a bagel when I get to work and a sardine sandwich on an English muffin for lunch. But today I am out of cream cheese, so I will probably put the sardines on the last bagel and have PB&J on the Eng muff. Such a tidy little plan. Of such details is my tiny little day comprised. Other people don't think like that. They simply go out and order what is there. They have money. I scrape it together every day but it's fine.