Sunday 28 December

Fog over snow. It's probably pretty but I am too angry to enjoy it. Still processing my huge emotions from yesterday. I am really very angry at M. I am beginning to be able to verbalize some of it to myself. Angry, disappointed, disillusioned. I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore. I feel hurt because she has dissed all that has been done for her and given to her. I don't know how to proceed. I am truly at a crossroads. I am sad that Christmas was such a drag, that special things were barely paid attention to. By her. I tried to do special things and I tried to make it nice.

I have a maelstrom inside me. I am somewhat blinded by it. But I am angry, agitated. I have no words to speak to her.

Thankfully she went to FF's. He took her to the urgent care clinic yesterday -- she finally decided to go. And, she has mono. What else can I say other than I feel like she is hellbent on destroying all that she has. Trashing every gift. Acting like a real addict type. I hope she stays at his house for awhile. She probably won't but I wish she would. I truly do. It is last summer all over again, with a large surly moody discontented parasite in my house. She is very difficult. I am not strong enough. It drains me very much.

I went to JdV's yesterday morning to talk about it with her. She was very helpful and helped give me words to say when the anger clears from my vision. Then I went to the library and to the market. Got soy milk and soup for M, which of course she turned her nose up at.

I have to back off from all this and take care of myself and of my life here. It is all I can do, and keep digesting these huge emotions inside me.

I sent FF an email yesterday telling him about her censure and fine at school. I received no mail yesterday so I have not been officially informed. S in Chicago was her usual bright self, both reassuring and dismaying me -- but she always manages to normalize things for me and that makes me feel better.

I cleaned the church yesterday and am glad not to have to go down there this morning. Thankfully it wasn't too dirty and didn't take too long to do.

I will go to worship today, and chill as much as I can. I plan only to clean the floors. I have a bunch of good books from the library to read, and also the one JdV gave me for Christmas.

At least with the mono M has an excuse to lay around all the time. I feel ashamed of her -- for her -- anyway.