Monday 29 December

I can't honestly say I enjoy our walk these days, at least not at the outset. It is difficult walking, with chunky ice and hard uneven surfaces. But once we get to the field, and the cemetery, it is much better. My boots are no longer uncomfortable -- they and I have finally become accustomed to one another.

It's grey. It's damp. The snow has been steadily melting -- it got almost to 50 yesterday, but it wasn't sunny -- and the world has taken on that dirty snow, mushy thawed dog shit look. We need a good freeze and a fresh coat of snow to cover it. It isn't as if it's March and the thaw is on its way. It is only just December's end, and winter's late beginning, the solstice being only just a week or so past.

I had a long email conversation with FF re: M. I am feeling slightly more rational about it all today, and it occurred to me that her getting caught so early on could be seen as a good thing. Maybe a huge knock upside the head, reality check. I can hope. My stomach still twists when I consider she may not be allowed to study in the Netherlands next year. That would be a hard lesson indeed. And then there's the matter of her grades -- I may never see them. This is a really challenging stage of parenting.

I had a nice quiet day yesterday. I pretty much just chilled. Read, relaxed. I wasn't hungry -- I haven't had an appetite in many days -- but I make myself eat anyway.

Tonight is the dinner at C's. I wouldn't mind getting out of it but that won't be possible. C was badgering me yesterday about whether M was coming -- because then she has to make a vegetarian dish (her lasagna is crammed full of hamburger and I despise it but there is no avoiding it). I didn't hear from M until after 4 and she said she wants to go to C's. But that was another whole 24 hours away. I hate being the go-between in this nonsense. C told me I could let her know this morning -- by the latest! -- whether M will be there. M sounds like she wants to go. M has bad judgment. I stand back and say What the fuck. Indeed, what the fuck.

Anyway. I have to go to the bank. I have to mail my phone bill today. I forgot to do it on Saturday. I am lost in time with this holiday. I barely know what day it is with all the usual schedules completely suspended. Or what time it is, even.

Anyway, what to say. Fergus is old and itchy. Pearl the fish is back in her bad place. BT gave me her poinsettia after church yesterday. She is the only person who asked me how it was for me with M being sick on Christmas and after I told her -- the truth -- she gave me her beautiful red poinsettia.