It' snowing quite hard -- straight out of the north. Who knew? Not me. I was pleasantly surprised when I first saw it, all pretty and white, after I had opened the back door. But, by the end of our walk, after enduring the northern driven snow biting straight into my face, it wasn't so pleasant anymore. And, of course, Fergus wanted to stop and bite sticks to pieces. So I turned my back to the wind and let him because God forbid the day he dies be a day when I didn't let him find gigantic portions of tree branches to carry proudly, head held high, and then dramatically drop so that he can ferociously bite off all the small twigs. Rrrrawr, he is such a big dog.
Anyway I have no idea what time it is even and I do not want to know. I didn't sleep very well, but I was comfortable enough. I had a weird dream about betraying -- not in a sexual way -- a man I had loved but whom I didn't really respect anymore. But then when I saw him upset by my lying actions -- I had made it look like gifts I had intended to give him, with an affectionate letter included, were actually from someone else, not me. It was a silly, stupid misunderstanding, the stuff of French farce. But it came at a time, I now realize, when he needed to hear I cared, and I had thought it wouldn't matter to him anyway. But when I saw it did, I tried to fix it and make it right, but it was beyond that by then.
The things about that, I realize as I write, is that I often do that very thing -- underestimate the affection people have for me and distance myself, finding out only later that they actually cared. I seem to have this vacuum space inside me, this null spot, this void, this impenetrable barrier of scar tissue that keeps me from truly appreciating the warm feelings other people might have for me. In some people that isn't so -- JdV, for example. She is so pure, in her way, but I am also sure -- tho I don't really remember it -- I probably did the same to her at one time. I remember a long time ago at a psychic ability workshop I attended, the woman I was partnered with saw me as a rose, but a rose that kept deep within the hedgerow, withdrawing from others, even tho others beseech me to join them.
Oh well anyway. I am supposed to go to P&M's tonight and I probably will. I need to go to the market for a few things today. I discovered yesterday that the dry dog food I buy went up $5. $5! Really bad. But the good thing is my neighbor was also at the market, and she gave me a ride home so I didn't have to lug home, in the wind, 5 pounds of bird seed and 18 pounds of dog food. God is good.
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