Saturday 27 December : New Moon

And so. As I was getting my coat and boots for our dog walk, I saw a letter from the college right atop M's bag. Thinking it might be her grades, I looked at it. Turns out she was in double violation of the alcohol policy at the school and in the dorm, and had a hearing. She was fined and is now censured. This happened before Thanksgiving. The letter was dated 12/9. It doesn't appear she paid the fine, but maybe she did. It said I would get a letter about it, but I haven't. Yet. I am still seething and simmering about all this. I don't expect she will be up for a bit, so I guess that gives me time to process my feelings somewhat.

I don't even know where to begin with my feelings. So I guess I will just proceed into my day. Library, market, clean church. My life goes on, anyway, and I feel pretty much unable to begin to deal with M. Yesterday she accused me of doing nothing to help her, and said that's why she's sick. I set her straight on that count, and she was contrite and friendly when she finally awoke in the evening. She slept all day.

I know one thing for certain -- if she has blown her chance to study in the Netherlands, she owes my mother the $300 deposit back.

So. It's very damp out. There is less snow and it was easier to walk. It is supposed to get up into the 50s either today or tomorrow and rain, and then go back down into the 30s.

I don't know what to say. I feel blindsided and emptied out. I do not like being a single parent especially in times like this. I was thinking I could tell her she acts like an alcoholic with her refusal to take responsibility for her own behavior and tendency to blame others. It said in the paper she has to attend some kind of program. I should go back to the college website and see what that program is.

This all makes me feel sick. And proceeding with my usual day is about all I can do to cope. Easy to feel overwhelmed by it all. Too easy.

I sit here scribbling and really don't know how to express anything. I walked in the door and saw the Christmas tree and presents and her asleep on the couch and felt like it was all a kind of mockery. That things aren't what they seem, aren't as they appear. I don't know what to do except to say I feel like I am drowning a bit. I feel completely unable to deal with this young woman. I am in over my head. In the olden days, people used to throw their young adult children out of the house. Now they let them stay. I have no idea whatsoever how to proceed and I can't pray cos all I want to do is pound my fists against the heavens.