Monday 24 November

I didn't write yesterday. I wasn't feeling well. I was queasy and my throat was sore, and by the time I got back from cleaning the church, I was in full blah mode. Full yuck. Not great. I finally decided to forgo church -- both worship services. I had so much to do at home as it was, and 2 church services was too much. D had cajoled me back by saying that if I didn't sing in the afternoon she'd ask VC to sing alto with her -- but then I saw the music and it is in all in unison. So, even tho she said she didn't want to sing the part all by herself -- she wouldn't be! So I let myself off that hook. I called CG and told her I didn't feel good and wouldn't be there and then I went and soaked in a hot bath, where it came to me, clear as sunshine, that God is Love and God wants me to be well more than God wants me to put in an appearance for social reasons. That's the part about church that rubs me the wrong way -- the whole social aspect, the human institution aspect. I simply want to worship, to pray and sing and praise God. I don't want to have to play the social game which includes first and foremost pulling myself together so as to be able to face those people, not to mention to sit up in the front of them where they all can see me. And then there is enduring the snubs and judgmental looks I get from some of the women there -- who the fuck needs that -- and also enduring people's big mouths and bad behavior and need to be the center of attention, namely PH who is back from FL in all her queenly imperiousness and hauteur. Enough. The other thing that rankles me is how they put on the program 'The Old Saratoga Chancel Choir under the Direction of...' as if we were good, as if we are worth listening to, as if the pianist were competent instead of fumble fingered and everyone in the damn choir can read music and actually sing the parts. No. It's all too much. And I opted out and gave myself a break and more needed rest and today I am no longer queasy and my throat is only a tiny bit sore and I don't feel like I am bearing the weight of a lead-lined blanket as I move through my day. None of those people -- none of them -- have raised a child alone and supported a household alone. Even the few, very few, single mothers there have family nearby or live with their family. The ones who judge me most are the ones who have always had husbands to help shoulder the burden of house and child. I like to think it is their own inadequacy and insecurity that makes them treat me so rudely. And what do I do that is so offensive? Fuck if I know, but it is a fact I keep my distance and I keep to myself. I am sensitive and intuitive enough to know what people are like toxic waste giving off odious vibrations and stay away from them.

Anyway what a rant for a Monday morning. This will be a different kind of week. I am thinking if it isn't too busy Wednesday to leave work early -- 3 or so. If it's possible. So I can be home and do some cooking and be with M and not come trudging in late and in the dark. Tuesday will be a long enough day as it is.

My phone isn't working right again. There is loud static on the line and sometimes it cuts out completely. I went outside the house and tested the phone on the so called network interface and the phone works. It is a problem with the lines. I hope the phone guy doesn't show up at my door at 8 like he did last time.