Saturday 15 November

It's really quite mild out. Foggy, moist, but warmish. The furnace hasn't turned on in quite some time, even tho I have the thermostat set at about 55. It felt nice out. Refreshing and soft and sweet. The dogs were mellow. Crows were busy yelling and flying about, intent upon their daily crow play. I saw BT up the hill with her little wild white dog. I haven't seen her in quite some time.

It is so mild these past few days that some of the lilacs are sending out new leaf buds. They might have done it last year too, when it was also so mild, so late in the year.

I had dreams of Jamaica, of Morris, and of BM and others from the team. It was a good dream, a catching up with each other dream, and it helped me fear less for the plight of dear Morris, and to hope that he may know peace inside himself, and that kind people will reach out a hand to him.

Anyway. The prospect of Saturday sits before me, staring me in the face. I plan to go to the library this morning. I also plan to go down to the church sometime after 6 to help with clean-up from the supper.

An important realization came to me yesterday -- that suddenly I feel as if I am in control of my life, that I am not buffeted about by external forces but that I stand solid, like a great tree in the wind, or a rock amidst the waves. It is an incredibly good feeling that brings great peace with it. A solid thing inside me upon which I can rest, I can shelter, I can stand, I can respond. I can choose, and I can create. As if I have finally grasped the deepest meaning of the words: Behold this day for it is yours to MAKE.

I hung the poster LG sent me, and it looks really nice in its chosen corner spot, surrounded on 2 sides by windows and plants. The green and off-white of the poster harmonizes nicely with the plants and windows and it completes the corner, and gives me a contented, homey feel when I look at it.

I was tired last night and slept well and had those vivid lovely dreams, full of meetings with people I know. I have lately been feeling even sadder about the prospect of no more Jamaica trips and have begun to take down the photos that sadden me most from the ones I have hung in my room, little Germaine and Ricardo so far. Some days I can hardly glance at the photos of Morris, it is as if I feel a knife pierce my heart. It seems like my life story that so much that I have loved so deeply lies always just beyond the reach of my hands. That is not to say there are not things and creatures here whom I love dearly, for there are, but these Jamaica connections feel sometimes like they reach right to my soul, my spirit, the very bright spark of life in me.

M sent me some great photos she did for a class, meant to express the concept of 'internalization'. She did a tremendous job. Of course I am probably one of her biggest fans. I am sure she sent them to me in response to our last phone conversation and me telling her she must utilize her talents and take advantage of the opportunities presented to her there. Some might say I was a bit harsh with her, but that is the Me that speaks to Her, and she knows and expects that too, I would think! She is a Rabbit and I am a Bear, but being raised by a bear she is accustomed to my gruff, direct speech and action. We are what we are and we communicate in that way. I speak my Bear speech, she shoots down her Rabbit hole, but she also hears me, and those photos she sent are evidence of that.

Anyway I am at the final lines of this page now, and plan to go make tea. Little Pearl was better yesterday. Go figure. Too soon to write epitaphs as long as we greet the sun each day.