Wednesday 12 November

It's cold again. Frosty, the moon is nearly full. We saw it yesterday late afternoon when we walked. Late afternoon but it was getting dark. It's dark by 5. The moon was big and high in the eastern sky. That same eastern sky was incredible this morning, expansive. I felt it fill my heart with something good.

M called last night, back in a wah-wah place. The hard thing was I was chatting online with S in Chicago and she was having simultaneously having a meltdown. My brain was not very well able to attend to the 2 scenes. M has to get over herself, start to grow up and face some reality. Now she's whining about her sleep habits -- up all night, sleep all day -- as if it is out of her control. Complaining that when she wakes up it is dark and she doesn't do anything when it's dark! I don't know what to tell her. She was all blase like nothing is good enough again. I read her a small riot act, reminded her of how fortunate she is to be there. How talented she is, and how she seems unable to appreciate all that she has, takes it for granted. She was that way here too. She got all sniffly and said she had to get off the phone. Which was, actually, fine by me. She also told me she found a bus that goes straight from Boston to Albany, no transfers, which I think is a good thing. Except FF says he won't pick her up in Albany -- it takes too much of his time, and his money, and Saratoga works better for HIM. All about him all the time. She asked me if someone here could pick her up and I said yes. I also emailed her later and told her I know firsthand how her father's selfishness can make a person feel like shit. But I told her she isn't the one who is shit -- he is. He is a complete piece of shit.

My mother would tell me to forget him, and I am trying. Another part of me wants to go over there and stomp all over his head. Selfish fucking fool of a child-man.

Anyway! Let's move on from there. Back to work today. I had a delightful restful day off yesterday and felt, at some point in the afternoon, better than I have in several weeks. That will all go to shit soon enough, but what a blessing to feel good now. To feel rested and alert and not in pain. I had another bath yesterday. Something subtly magical about that hot soak, and about peace and quiet, and time for me at home. It was cloudy and grey and dank and cold yesterday tho. I cooked up a pot of the spinach and potato stew, and had it for supper with a bagel and horseradish cheese. The cheese is quite tasty. I will bring it for my lunch today on an english muffin.

I cashed the child support check and used it to buy food, so I guess I will have to mail M a check for it.

It's really hard to watch your kid suffer, knowing you have to let them suffer and hope they will figure it out themselves.

I had a strange dream about fish and fish tanks. I often have that dream when I feel I have someone especially vulnerable to care for. All the fish were fine in the end and I expect M will be too.

I have asked CG if she will drive me to Albany to get M. If not her, I will ask JD to borrow their extra car. If not them, I will try to find someone to jump L's car and use that.