Friday 31 October

Matthew is here. He is up on my shoulders, purring and curling around me. He was in my bed last night when I pulled back the covers. I picked him up in a big silky ball and put him out in the hall. Inca slept with us, old Inca. Today is her birthday, M reminded me on the phone last night. She is 11. M wasn't sure of her age, but remembered her birthday, which I had forgotten. She also told me Inca is like her mother -- like me -- in cat form. Whatever that means. She sounded very certain when she said that, and she has alluded to it before. It mystifies me, somewhat.

Anyway, it's quite cold, frosty, and clear. Lots of stars. I looked up into them as much as I could while we walked. I got up 1/2 an hour early, just because I was ready to. I find that even when I get up earlier, I am still scrambling when it is time to leave for work. There is so much to do in the morning! My peak hours, my time for me and other tasks because my energy is so fresh and alive. The sunrise was barely a glimmer, merely a hint, as we came back down the hill. It was dark, but clear night sky dark, and I don't mind that, except for the streetlights and headlights actually make it harder to see, because my eyes have adjusted to the darkness.

I am glad I didn't go to choir because M called. I had just gotten in from our walk and I saw she had called, so I called her back. We talked for a bit. She had a lot to say about what is going on with classes and social life -- much more open and forthcoming than she was when she lived here! She also said that her father never calls, writes, emails, and she is beginning to feel more bitter about him, especially in light of the fact he contributes NOTHING to her college expenses. I didn't say but thought this morning how I need to tell her not to let that bitterness poison her. It is a bitterness I know well, and it is best spit out -- preferably at his feet in a steaming heap! Tho that isn't literally possible, how satisfying it would be to watch it burn through his shoes and scald his feet. There. Feel that. Have a sense of how your selfishness hurts others -- it is a kind of poison. But enough of him, he has taken up far too much space.

I am seriously thinking about not being in choir. I talked about that with M too. It really was a delightful conversation. I actually had the mental energy to be up for it. I had just gone into the bathroom to wash Fergus' tummy with vinegar when she called back. I noticed he had the mold spores all over his tummy and penis and so I gently dabbed the vinegar all over that space. The hair is gone and so it is all very easy to see on his pink skin. And yet, he is better. He gave me a kiss again this morning as I was getting up, and that tells me the most -- since he always always always used to do it, and then, month after month after month, no more.

M also said the set from 'Will & Grace" is in the college library, encased in glass. All I could think was, How big a space does it take up? She sounded so motivated and so positive. It was great. She isn't always that way when she calls. I think the learning community she lives in is really helping to give her a sense of purpose and shape, tho she did say she really doesn't know what her purpose is. She will find it if she looks for it -- I didn't say that but maybe I should. It took me decades to get a sense of that, and I don't know if I should tell her that or not!