Tuesday 4 November

I am tired in a raggedy way. I slept well enough tho I went to bed later than I'd hoped to. M called, and then JD. So I was doing that. By the time I lay down, I read only a couple of pages of my book because I could hardly concentrate, and I felt a headache coming on. The animals have been awful, it was pure chaos when I got home. Bad enough it is dark with the time change, but ever since P has turned into a wild bobcat in the house, attacking Topaz relentlessly, it has been very difficult with the cats. And then of course the dogs get all whipped up and involved. It's awful. And I simply have to stop giving vent to my anger and frustration by yelling because then I too am making it worse --

As if to counterpoint all this right now, sweet and gentle mellow Matthew is here, sinuously draping himself across my shoulders, all softness and sweetness and gentle mellow catness. Thank you Matthew. I do love you. You truly are the Best One, and if I had only you, how nice it would be. But alas he came as part of a package deal and his 3 siblings are regular causers of grief and frustration in the household.

It is Election Day. DD and MD are driving me to go vote, bless them. That was part of my talk with JD. That and the fact CW is drinking again and I saw him buy beer, and I had asked JD if I should speak to him about it. She thinks I should. J also thinks I should. Now to get up my courage. Because the fact is, I don't particularly like him in any special way and I don't want him to think I do. As it is at work I keep a distance. He has bad boundaries. And a flappy mouth. I don't want him any closer. I wasn't thrilled when he started working with us, like everyone at church seemed to expect I'd be thrilled. Fact was, I didn't care. There are more than enough broken down losers, messes, and misfits in this town -- myself often among them -- and I have absolutely no sense of liberal guilt driving me to treat any of them in a 'special' way. I am just as grumpy and distancing with them as I am with everyone else.

Matthew being here helped me forget another animal annoyance and that is the large aquarium is noisy and I tried to fix it last night by checking the impeller and it didn't work. And I shifted it and jiggled it and that didn't work and I guess I have to try again today because the noise really bothers me. I also finally got my period which also bothers me because I was hoping I would not get it -- it has outlived its usefulness in my life -- and I had only 2 pads left and am a bit broke at the moment. I am thinking I can scrounge up a few stray tampons in M's room.

I need to walk to the PO to mail that calendar to my mother. The timing is critical cos she is coming up on her Guenter Death Anniversary, and any gesture of giving towards her is something she soaks up like a thirsty sponge. I had hoped to get there yesterday but didn't have time after cashing the child support check at the bank. I am using part of the 10 she sent me for Halloween to pay for the postage. I used the other part to buy one of the pins the lady in the bank makes -- a nice little wooden bird. It is very nice!