Saturday 8 November

It really is warm. Some plants are greening up again. I spied a few new tansy blooms. I vaguely remember it being like this last year, warm right through Christmas, wearing my denim jacket to Christmas Eve worship. I am not complaining. I actually like it, being warm, not having the heat on. Of course Maya didn't come back in last night. Now that no one is here 3:30 - 4:30ish, she often isn't around. That was her usual come back in time. I haven't seen her yet this morning, but it is warm out. Moist. Geese flying over. The sunrise was a pale orange and the sky is vaguely grey.

I slept well. I was dreadfully tired last night. Spooked out and weird on our dog walk. There were cars up in the cemetery. A car, at first, just sitting there. I saw its lights. Then as we neared the bathroom by the Monument (I walk along near the road and in the streetlights' glow these dark nights), a State Police SUV came, another vehicle following right behind it. They went up and in, but in 2 separate directions. I don't know what any of that was about, but with that and both the dogs acting like they saw things that to me simply were not there, I was fairly well spooked and just wanted in.

And, I guess one of my checks bounced, and I am still trying to figure out why. I used the calculator, and no, not all my math was correct, but even so nothing should have bounced to the degree that check did. It upsets me deeply and gravely when this happens. I am so careful about my money. I have been vigorously trying to reassure myself ever since. And, as it is Saturday, there really isn't anything I can do anyway except to not spend any more money until Monday. I do need some cat litter and I am going to try to scrounge up enough change (about $4) to cover that. My life could feel really pathetic right now if I let it. I had reached deep fatigue yesterday, the kind where my solitary life feels like a tremendous burden, an unfair burden, the kind where I could lay down flat and let the world crush me while I whimper softly. So that's a trap I must avoid, and simply keep putting one foot in front of the other, take care of myself and all that needs attending to here. And keep praying. Keep talking to God.

I made myself a nice supper of venison steak and vegetables and a bagel. I did the dishes while it cooked. After the dogs and I had our spook-walk, I came in and had tea and cookies and read. It was peaceful, and I was content and grateful.

And so now today. I plan to have a bath. I am not sure if I will go to the library. My sinuses and throat are bothering me more again. I will definitely vacuum, I think. Wash the dogs with vinegar. I didn't do Fergus last night, tho I did do him in the morning.

Work is really busy. J and I worked our butts off getting orders out. The store, the phone, all that too. It seemed like L waddled off somewhere when we were so busy. I heard him congratulating J for all her hard work and thought about chiming in and thought 'Nah.' No honor in that. She kept thanking me a lot, and we both were fully aware it was a joint effort. She's a good person, and I like her. I like L too but that is a trickier thing.