Monday 10 November

Okay, so here we go. Monday. Grey, dim, damp, cool, not unpleasant. We had a good walk. The dogs move right along when it is cooler. We didn't see anyone, and as we went back down the hill, I saw a truck in the cemetery with a small backhoe, preparing to dig a grave in the soft, moist earth.

I slept well. I even went to bed early and read for awhile. I get tired of being crowded off the couch by cats. I am still tired, and am beginning to wonder if something is wrong with me, or maybe I am simply getting older, and all this walking and carrying wears me out. I was thinking how people are quick to say How are you? and Oooo I missed you! -- but never How can I help you? They must feel let off the hook by showing quasi concern in noting they missed me, but as I always say, Talk IS cheap.

A bit bitter? Maybe. Tired, more like, and sick of hearing -- Oh you weren't there! We missed you! You missed me? So fucking come and help me out now and then and maybe I will have the energy to show up a bit more often.

I have to deal with the bank this morning, find out what the fuck is up with my checking acct and why that fucking check bounced. It should not have bounced. I hate it when this happens. It always brings me back to when someone stole my debit card # and there I stood in the grocery store, with my kid and a full cart of groceries, unable to pay cos my card was declined, even tho I had deposited my pay check the day before. A low moment in the life of.

Okay, deep breath. Try to stay calm. Probably I get tired from the energy it takes to calm myself down. Maybe. I don't know. I was busy yesterday, dishes, laundry, vacuum, fish tanks. I went out and gathered apples from the trees since I couldn't buy any over the weekend. I had been meaning to gather apples for quite some time now, just hadn't done it, so this goaded me out the door. The Red Delicious are nicely sweet and definitely sweeten up my oatmeal. The Sops of Wine did not ripen fully and so are tart but are still good. I had an abundance of apples this year, tho not very many raspberries. Lots of elderberries too, tho I leave those for nature to eat. I hope birds eat them, anyway.

I secretly worry about Fergus. I probably shouldn't. He's energetic enough, happy enough, friendly enough. Enough!

I don't know if I will see L&J today at work. At first they had said they'd leave at noon, but then she said she probably wouldn't see me today, so I don't know what their plans are. Maybe L will come in the morning? I will know soon enough.

When I fed the 3 Papaya Bugs this morning, Matthew really leaped up and grabbed Zem's food in a huge mouthful. Cleared out most of it. I need to give her more.

I dreamt of being with the kids in Jamaica. And one little boy, his black eyes full of light, turned and looked directly into my eyes and said, I love you! I said, I love you too. It was one of those forceful dream moments, full of medicine. I had looked at photos and a video of Jamaica in the NY Times yesterday -- related to an article about Ian Fleming's years and inspirations and locations there -- many of them places I have been to or that Peat has told us about. It made me think of Mel too, and how I should send the link to her but I don't know if she'd actually look at it, so I didn't.