Monday 1 December

It's December already. Thanksgiving came late this year, so suddenly, woom, now it's December and yesterday was the first Sunday in Advent. Good music from here on out. The concert is Sunday. I have decided to just get over myself and sing. People are counting on me. Only 2 of us can actually sing the alto part. So, there we are. I signed up to bring cheese and crackers.

I slept well and has a nice dream about purple skies and warm purple blue waters and a nice man beside me, a solid, strong, gentle, comforting presence. All so warm and reassuring and nice.

The bus station was mobbed when we got there, but after a certain point M just gathered herself up and strode right up to the door -- passing by the bovine throngs just standing -- and got one of the last seats on the bus. She was nervous and agitated most of the way down -- even when we stopped to eat which was something she had wanted to do. I had to urge her to get out of the house on time, and as it was, I had to wait in the driveway for a bit. And yet, at the bus station she hissed, We should have been here an hour early -- and who ordered a meal at Friendly's? And who took forever to get out of the house? -- But she got on the bus and all was as well as can be expected. The weather was dismal -- rainy in Albany, but snow and sleet up here. I was relieved it was just rain down there. The weather was tensing her up also. When we got to the station she said, The bus station here is so sketch! And I said, Well, it is Albany -- and it is dismal, plunked down at the bottom of the hill, hunkered over beneath expressway overpasses and taller buildings, and even more dismal under a deeply grey November sky, and rain. Cold rain.

She is such a complicated girl. She was happy and upbeat until yesterday. For whatever reasons. I had told her that BD, a student at Boston Univ, had asked me after church to tell her if she'd ever like to meet for lunch, she should contact him. I think he would have asked her himself had he seen her. And she was all -- I haven't talked to him in years! And, How weird! Honestly sometimes she just isn't a very nice person. But she was all odd yesterday, and spent an endless amount of time in the bathroom. I reminded her that BD is quite ill -- and no one has yet determined what is wrong with him -- and that it was a nice gesture on his part. She can be so scathing, and catty and hard to understand.

And now that she is gone again, I am fine, back in my solitary space, back in my usual routine. This transitional time is very tricky -- she's gone, she's here, she's gone again -- she is more than a house guest and yet doesn't quite live here but always has a home here and I guess I will just continue to flow with it and stop thinking dramatic thoughts. Getting myself back out there for the holidays will be good for me. I know my routine is good for me even when it wears me down. It's my life. It's what I have. I don't know what else to say.

It is still grey and wet and dismal, tho no rain is falling for now. I took some of the turkey apart last evening and began separating out what is for me and what is for the dogs. I was thinking I can also boil down the carcass as broth for them. All very good, good for them, and saves me money. And, of course, they love it --

I am simply going to try not to give in to worrisome thoughts. Let's see how well I do --

I don't know what else to say, here with 5 lines left. I didn't walk the dogs last evening, it was too yuck out, and they didn't appear to mind. When they went out after supper, they came back in and Fergus went to bed.