Saturday 29 November

It's colder, but nice. Fine flakes of snow are falling, but so lightly you could almost miss them. I finally took that silk flower arrangement that had blown out into the field and put it on a grave. VY who walks in the morning saw me, but she is such a gentle seeming soul, I doubt she thought badly if it, if she thought much of it at all. Laying flowers on a grave in a cemetery is hardly a bizarre or questionable action.

And now it is Saturday. Grey and dim. I plan to go over to the library. I have finished all the books but one, and I am in the middle of that one (To Kill A Mockingbird). M would like me to read a Goethe text she brought along. so I will endeavor to do that today. She is going with FF. So I also plan to cook that turkey J gave me from the pantry. And to vacuum and clean Pearl's tank. I cleaned the other 2 yesterday but didn't do Pearl's because she hadn't eaten her food yet. She finally ate it by last night. She certainly does not have the same cheerful spirit in infirmity that Joy does, or Homer did.

Having M home leaves me feeling as if something has clicked back into place in my life and suddenly I know what I should be doing. And then when she leaves again, there will be that great big empty space, and me persistently and tenaciously stepping around it, trying to forget it is there. But someday I have to confront it and address it because I think it somehow sucks the life out of me.

The phone is fixed. The guy came yesterday and ran a new line outside the house and now it is all good and should stay good. It's that same guy who came before and also came at work. He's very nice.

I don't know what to say. I sit here blank, looking at plants. I turned the Rex begonia around so that it will grow in a more balanced way. It is all to one side and I noticed there were new leaves emerging deep in the back. So I cut off the old damaged leaves that were on it when I bought it and turned it so the back faces the window.

I went out to do errands yesterday and as I dressed to go down, I thought what a dotty old bird I must look to M who is so sleek and appearance conscious (on Thanksgiving, she actually gave me the once over when she saw what I was wearing to dinner -- mentally comparing us -- finding herself overdressed, to her mind, but she didn't change her clothes, I kept telling her she looked great, and offered to dress myself up a bit more -- but that was certainly a first to be so frankly assessed by her like that) -- and I felt self-conscious for a moment, but mostly all I did was take off my winter hat. I didn't need it anyway and it did give me that final crazy lady look.

Oh my goodness, I hope I am not hopelessly lost.

The fridge has so much food in it, it is amazing. The pumpkin dessert we made, and that turkey, and all the other food I bought to have while M is here, clementines and brownies and whatnot. I cooked carrots the way she likes them last night -- baked in honey, butter, and ginger -- and we had burritos too. It was good.

Tomorrow she heads back. I need to be in touch with C to decide what time we are leaving, I think stopping for ice cream is still in the plan.