Thursday 4 December

Dark this morning, with a line of intense red at the horizon. Rain today? There was a strong wind out of the west at times, and I felt a few sprinkles when we first went out. I was very warm by the end of our walk. We saw no one, not even crows.

I slept well. Dark and safe. Inca was with us again. I am tired, needless to say. I carried home groceries and a big bag of dog food yesterday. Charged up the hill. I don't know where I get my strength, precisely. There are moments in the day when I feel it all drain out of me. I felt overwhelmed and dizzy at times yesterday. We have big orders to get out, and the phone rings and people come in the store to endlessly browse -- and we scramble to get things done, and L wanders off. It sucks when that happens. I find I truly resent him then. We got a call he refused to take again, and it is from a business that says he owes them money, and so then they harangue me and I hate it. I really hate it.

I just had to go catch P, she was harassing Topaz again. I can't stand the hissing and the growling, especially first thing when I get up. Cat drama. It annoys me so much. I like a peaceful house. Which reminds me, I dug through the boxes of Christmas cards at Byron's yesterday and found a box I could buy. It says Peace on the front. It was the only one that wasn't tremendously ugly, amidst all the leftovers.

So we are really busy at work and L is focused on this house they are building instead of the work, and J gets in late cos she's doing who knows what and then she has to work so fast to get stuff done. And I have an upcoming funeral to attend, but I don't know which day yet, but it will be soon enough. CG told me it is on BT's birthday -- which day that is I am not sure, and as it is BT's mother's funeral, I find that an especially cruel twist and I told CG that. BT was treated so badly by her deceased mother that she has barely a shred of confidence and her health is terrible and to have the funeral on her birthday? Sometimes I really truly do wonder about the people around here, I really really do.

I feel the weight of a ton of stuff around here that needs to be done this morning -- dishes, fold laundry, and the last third of that turkey yet to deal with. Yes! That turkey! Still not put away. The weight is heavier because it is Thursday. Simply that. An accumulation.

It's funny because last night I was putting more of these journal pages on the blog and it was all about my feelings with M here, but the funny thing is, if funny is the right word, that my feelings have turned 360 degrees in the opposite direction and I am relieved she is back in Boston. Because she too is a weight I bear. And she costs money to feed. And when she is here for a month over the winter break, I am certain she will eventually be bored out of her mind and will slide back into sullen torpor. Since she doesn't drive, and we have no car, and nothing really goes on in this village, unless you go looking for it, and even then it is hardly anything at all.

So I have more groceries to cart home tonight, all the stuff I couldn't possibly carry yesterday. Choir tonight also -- the concert is Sunday and I have been away so much I don't even know what we are singing. As I recall tho, it is nothing difficult and my sight reading skills have improved greatly over the years. And so, on I trudge.