Thursday 30 October

Cold, clear, nice. Stars. Frost. A glimmer, a hint, of sunrise on the eastern horizon. I was back to feeling most foul last night, tired, aggrieved, put upon, depleted. I think I forgot to take my Clarocet yesterday, but that wasn't the reason. It was more like Monday night, but with an edge. I was deeply resenting all the needs demanding filling that surrounded me. I was tired. I came home, and took care of things briskly, including cooking myself up a vegetable stew that I ate with pretzels and cheese. Quite tasty. Then the fucking cats -- Nick -- got into the bag of pretzels overnight, tore it open and I assume ate some, tho I didn't find any scattered about. Tea bags I found scattered about, because they knocked that jar to the floor too, knocked down the oatmeal container, and really, the first thing I thought was, 'Man, I must have been really tired last night because I never heard a thing.'

On the walk back down the hill last night, we were greeted by the hulking form of the dog who lives just up the way, a massively big mix breed, black, out loose, as he sometimes is at that time of day. Sometimes when I see him, I don't walk at all. He is that big and he will approach us and make it all very difficult. Last night I crossed the road as soon as I saw him ahead, crossed over and yet he tried to follow us, he walked right out into the road, heedless of the cars. It was dark and he is black and he was also fortunate the person stopped and waited. And then another car came and he narrowly avoided that one too. He was walking in that stiff legged hostile way dogs have, hair up on his back. I was relieved to avoid him, but it was touch and go for a bit there, and I was yelling 'GO HOME' at him. I called his owner when I got in, but got her voice mail. She's a dimwit to my mind, a full of shit liar, a bossy nurse. I don't even know if she was home, or if it was her dog 'walker' seeing to the dog. I don't know if she called back. I haven't checked my phone, and I didn't hear my phone, but I also didn't hear the cat havoc in my kitchen either.

I do wonder if this is extreme PMS. I don't think I've had my period this month, I've been thinking back and trying to remember. I have to go to choir tonight, I have been gearing up all week to get there. I don't really want to, and fear that by 7pm, I really won't want to. But then, early this morning, I was dreaming about singing with other people, and it was delightful, making up my own part to underscore the melody. I had to stop by the church office yesterday to give JD the water heater bill so she could make a copy. She was going to see if the Relief Fund could help me pay for part of it. She gently insisted -- which was kind of her. Because I do need glasses and was hoping to get some now that I finally have health insurance. Paying for the water heater was going to make that possibility suddenly impossible but maybe now it's possible again.

L told me I have to find someone to jump his car. I was tempted to say 'It's your car...you do it...' but I didn't have the energy, and besides he has been on a snaggle toothed edge dealing with situations at work, including the infamous 'Rocks Out Back Guerilla War'. Whatever. I reassured myself by telling myself I didn't have to deal with it today.